[LostOnTheTrail]

Hi all,

I've had a weird week.
The day after my therapy session, I experienced a really intense 'griefquake', but I didn't make contact with R because we'd only spoken the day before.

I talked it through with someone on the helpline, and she sat with me whilst I wept through most of that conversation.

In session today I found it really hard to explain the impact it had on me.

I recognise that I try to ignore the depth of my grief for Steve, because touching the pain hurts.

There I was with the opportunity to explore it further and be witnessed in it, but I couldn't 'go there'.

I have no desire to reconnect with that rawness, but it feels important to be met in that space.

Yes, one aspect of therapy is learning how we can manage when these things come up, but I struggle with allowing these emotions to exist.

I know R would never use the phrase 'So what?' but that was how I felt when i was trying to explain.

I referred to my journal, but because I resist putting it all down on the page, there's not much to go on.

Any thoughts?

Lost

[Lostislost]

I don’t know if I’m right, but I definitely get the feeling that some people just feel things deeper than other people. Even when my T has empathy and compassion for me, I usually feel like he doesn’t truly get how deeply I feel something. Or how much it affected me. Maybe you are a super deep feeling person too? I always wonder how it would be to not feel things this way, but at the same time I’m glad I do. Sort of.

[LostOnTheTrail]

Hi,

Yes, I relate to being 'highly sensitive' as they call it.
Being so whilst being resistant to my feelings on this level is really hard to manage.

[LonesomeTonight]

I can identify with this. Sometimes the reason I do email Dr. T is to capture what I'm feeling in the moment, rather than a more distilled version next time I see him. But lately, I'm more likely to save that as a draft and not send it. I'll sometimes then share it with him at the next session, or at least read a couple lines from it. Maybe this is something you could try doing?

Though you did say you censor yourself in journaling, so you might do so in an email, even one you know you won't send. I wonder if it could help to talk to your T about why you "resist putting it all down on the page" (to use your words). Are you concerned about admitting the feelings, even to yourself? Just wondering if it could give you some relief to write (or type) it all out, without the intention of sharing it. If it's a case where you're concerned about someone reading it at some point, you could shred, burn, or (if electronic) delete it.

[LostOnTheTrail]

Hi LT,

Thank you for sharing your process.
I feel as though it would have been useful to write the email even if I didn't send it.

I am still overwhelmed by the depth of this experience.
After nearly four years, I'm still peeling back layers of process...

Facing the totality of this experience terrifies me.

[phoneboothghost]

Lost, does it help to think that you only have to process one layer at a time? I know it can feel overwhelming, and that everything is interconnected. The totality is a lot to take in. What if you could tell yourself, "you know, this is a lot, and I see you, I see all of it. For now, I'm going to look at this layer, or this fraction of a layer, and the rest of it I'll get to later." Or something along these lines. I'm doing some Internal Family Systems work, and I'm starting to see the usefulness of acknowledging various parts and aspects of myself while only wanting to look at one thing at a time. I'm not sure if this makes sense....I feel for you, though. And "griefquake" is a very apt term, one that I relate to. Take care.

[LostOnTheTrail]

Thanks Ghost,

That helps a lot.
I suppose Anne Lamott's one inch picture frame approach to writing could also apply to grief.

You take care too,

Lost

[Therapy reviewed]

I think you're doing all what you can at the moment.. Grief is different for everyone...that you contacted a helpline is more than some can manage... Help but at a safe and manageable distance... Boring as as this word is, time is the lead..