[Mouse_]

Its funny how what T says eventually begins to be felt/known by me. It takes a couple of weeks or more, but suddenly I experience something and think, aha, I know what she meant now.

For example, the other week when I said I am not destroyed my life wasn't that bad, I've exagerated everything, T replied, so what if you have, we also deal with your inner world in here. That blew my mind, what does she mean? But suddenly I've realised that whats going on on the outside doesn't necessarily explain what is going on inside and other simple stuff like I was cleaning the bathroom and realised that It really is so very unimportant in the big scheme of things whether the bathroom is immaculate or not, its more important how I'm feeling and I felt how I have convinced myself of how I'm feeling by measuring what I achieve in the external world, I mean a clean bath just means a clean bath, it doesn't tell me anything about ME.

Now thats the simple stuff, but yesterday and today I'e become aware that there is still in me a real fear and mistrust of attachment/relationships. Its as if I am in touch with this part that is very much like a rabid dog terrified of getting to close. I can see T with my eyes, but my gut reads danger/hurt/fear. This part wonders how can it ever trust again? IT reminds me of those dogs they show who have been rescued from a terrible fate and they show the before and after pictures and I always thing to myself, yeah but what about the memorys that dog has and will always have? This is me, what about the memorys? I can't ever forget the painful past, the awful attachment to my primary care-giver, and your expecting me to play pretty now? How can I? Unyet what I want the most is to be close with T, but I can't get past this history, this emotional history that will not just be told to forget and to feel safe now, its like a minefied where I have to be careful where I tread incase I set of another fear-bomb.

But I thought I was fine with T, I thought I was in control, I thought It was just something I had to say to myself, I thought it was just a matter of finding the right button, but its not, its going to be a untangling bit by very slow bit my emtional past and finding a place where I am finally at peace before this will be a fear-less attachment/relationship.

I said to T yesterday that if I knew when I first started with her that over 3 yrs down the road I'd still only be this far, well I dont know how I would have felt, I know there are changes and improvement for me, but I am still not where I feel I am aiming for, and it is a very slow process. T said, yes it is slow. Perhaps thats an acceptence on my behalf instead of this run in fast and think I've achieved something.

SO today what do I know that I wasn't aware of over 3yrs ago? That I have deeper feelings and emotions then I ever would have believed, or infact that I Have feelings and an inner world. That just because I want something to be so, doesn't make it so. That baby steps are better then great big strides. That relating to another humanbeing is where the joy is and also where the fear is.

OH and today I Have one very clean bath

[Perna]

I laughed when I read your first paragraph. I spent like 8 years walking down the street weeks or months after a session and suddenly being struck with, "Oh, so that's what she was talking about!"

It got so constant that I learned not to worry or feel bad if I didn't get what she said, I'd just wait, knowing it would show up in my own good sweet time.