No dissociation-just me and T

Okay, so now that we have established that I want to feel special to him, and that my feelings are okay, the hard work begins.

T and I have been talking about intimacy and relationships and how I push people away before they can hurt me. It was sort of a nuts and bolts session. He kept saying he wanted me to try and hold my power when I find myself in these situations.

I began to feel overwhelmed with his suggestions, and as I reflected I asked him how on earth I could do what he was asking when others in the relationships expected me to be where I usually am? And he said, "Oh you can't do any of this. Just notice it." On my way home I realized that what I was feeling was the child self who was overwhelmed with adult responsibility.

At the end of the session, T said it felt good to him and that it felt better than sessions where I dissociate.

I was slightly annoyed but didn't say anything because I was enjoying his company and didn't want to spoil the moment. Just being there with him, in that space, is soothing to me.

You know what? He's right, it is better. Boring, but better.