[Mouse_]

One of the things I struggle with is understanding T isn't getting any pleasure out of my suffering in any way. Intellectually I know this, but you know those little ole emotions.

I was thinking on something last night and wondering where the hell this was coming from, then it hit me, I sometimes have transferrence concerning my brother. He and I were adopted by the same family but he was raised by my narcisstic adoptive mother as the "good" child, and I was the "bad" child. He and my adoptive mother were like lovers. They would sit and talk and got their socks off by belittling me. I use to feel so dumb and stupid in their company. Nothing of mine was sacred from this dyfunctional bond they had. I remember my record-player I had was a target of my brother, he would tell mum if I didnt use the correct stylus for the correct size record (showing my age here LOL) and I would feel imense anger that my terroritory was being invaded yet again. My protests were in vein and actually only brought me more punishment, and my brothers smug giggles would be like a sword in my soul. I've put the memory of my relationship growing up with my brother out of my mind, but yesterday it all came up and I realised that I sometimes feel how I use to feel when being belittled by my brother with T. This was such an AHA moment for me last night. I also got to feel the rage and anger that is still within me at the injustice of my treatment by my brother and mother. I wonder now where I thought all that rage had gone? Perhaps I'm ready now to deal with that part of my life too, and now when sometimes I look at T, I can say, "shes not your brother", and bring the here and now back into the room. I hadn't realised just how much damage can be done by siblings too.

[gimmeice]

(((((((((((((( Mouse )))))))))))))))))))))

i'm sorry mouse... being adopted together it is a real shame and a loss that you didn't form a tight bond together instead of advesarial... but kids do strange things i guess. Do you believe he was naturally cruel, his personality before the adoption i mean.. or was he being groomed this way by the mother? i ask because its a different framework right?

[MissCharlotte]

((Mouse))

I grew up in a very similar environment, only this was with my real mother. My brother is only 19 months older than me. He was the only boy in the family with 4 sisters. I grew up in his shadow and my mother absolutely adored him. Their relationship was bizarre and I was invisible, ridiculed and belittled as well.

I think it is this foundation that makes it so difficult for me to exist, or to own who I am.

But hey, we are the strong ones now!

[Mouse_]

Jello, My adoptive mother prevented any bond being formed between us. He was adopted first then I followed.

MC, Yes I am so glad it was me that was the "outcast", I got to find my own path!

I just want to add that when I post my thoughts and personal insights I am not looking for pity! If we were all in a room face 2 face you would see the smiles and sometimes ironic looks and hear my voice which is talking in a general conversation type way. I just wanted to make this clear.

[DePressMe]

Hi Mouse, sounds like you made a great leap forward in your therapy. I always feel like therapy is going nowhere then, something like this happens to me and I realize just how much progress I have made. I don't offer pity when I say I am sorry you had to endure that as a child...I offer compassion and understanding. My situation was a little different-- I was the girl living with my father and 2 brothers. They all hated women and nothing I did was ever right or good enough. You really sound like you are very insightful considering your therapy. Keep on working it....