[Christina86]

((((((((((((((Fluff))))))))))))))))

[Kiya]

what's goin on out there Fluff?
=(

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((( Fluff ))))))))))))))

[gimmeice]

((((((((((((((((((Fluff))))))))))))))))))

[Perna]

{{{{Fluff}}}}

[chaotic13]

((Fluff))

[I_miss_my_kitty]

Triple *sigh* and two *Ughhhhhs*

[Edahn]

Post deleted by DocJohn

Post deleted by DocJohn

[Edahn]

It's sickening.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Edahn said:
It's sickening.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

LOL... the hugs or the guy running around NY.

[Kiya]

Fluff - how are you doing out there? You've been real quiet =(
Kiya

thanx guys... had a very heavy heart. Seeing deleted posts makes me kind of uneasy.. is it wrong to just express deep sadness?

i appreciate the hugs.. i truly do. Sometimes it's all anyone can say and there isn't anymore..

i'm feeling a bit better.. T is back. i saw him yesterday and despite my feeling like he was just some guy that i don't feel connected to.. i walked in and i was ok again. He's just that cool. Things went ok, we're back on the same page and we're going to re-start past stuff next week ( i see him for a double and a single, so 3x next week)

im really scared. i dont have any way to make a living yet.. the art stuff takes a long time, and i dont have a lot of options right now. im looking into starting a small business but i dont have any money so id have to take on debt.. and then what? what if i am as much of a failure as i feel and believe i am?

i am so lost... now without school there isn't much structure but the demands on me have increased. In a whole lifetime there has never been a safe harbour in which i could take shelter for very long... is it ok for a person to forever be lost at sea? If it's not ok.. then what? I mean, so what.. not like i get some kind of compensation or get a do-over. What i got is a constant sense of lack... and an inability to relate to people in the very ways which might give me some of what i crave. Every person who offered me relief was so very temporary, or conditional, or i hadn't the ability to connect.

life is undoubtably better compared to before... and the depression has lifted too.. every other day someone says to me that they see this happiness creeping back into how i am.. they are seeing me again.. or some for the first time. But that is one level, one layer, albeit an important one.. it is the level that functions "out there" among people and that needs to be ok... so that part is a good thing. The other layers and levels seem to have become deeply aware of the degree of loss, inexperience and grief. Part of me is beginning to understand just the size of the gap between my experience and that others had growing up. i can clearly see just how deficient i am... and i wonder if a child who does not feel unconditional acceptance can ever feel it.. if they never know a sense of place and belonging, can they ever know it?

a child born blind can have their eyes repaired later in life yet still not be able to see because the brain never learned to process that information.. maybe inside i can never get to feel what others feel.

sorry.. i'm rambling