I left him a message yesterday to tell him of my horrible experience taking one dose of Seroquel (I will never take that drug again). I didn't tell him to call back or anything, but he called me today.

He told me he could only imagine how frustrated I must be at this point. Then he told me (for the 90 millionth time) about how whole and grounded I feel as a therapist and how much of a positive thing this is for me right now. I have been engaging in sort of a push/pull thing with him lately about how he constantly focuses on the my work as a therapist (which I agree with 100% about), but I feel as though he is not acknowledging all of the pain and bad stuff that is going on along with that.

I started to get frustrated and exasperated about everything all at once. I said, "Mother %#@&#!!" Then I began to cry. He said, "Ok. What is going on for you now?" I gave the brilliant and mature response of, "Nothing." He told me he was not ignoring the pain I was going through. I continued to cry a bit. I could feel that he was about to wrap up the conversation. He said, "Ok. Well, I will see you Tuesday." Then he told me to try my meditation again to help me sleep. I said, "Okay. Bye." And that was that.

When we got off of the phone all I could think was that as soon as I started to cry, he didn't feel like dealing with it, so he ended the conversation. However, he did give me the opportunity to tell him what was wrong. I chose to say, "Nothing."

I was also bothered because I was trying to tell him that it was fine that I am a full-time therapist now, but in a few months being a therapist would no longer be the center of my life-- doctoral school would. And school is a lot more difficult to deal with while having an illness, than being a therapist is. He told me I was getting ahead of myself again and that I needed to focus on being in the moment. He wasn't hearing me. Or maybe he was. He didn't understand. Or maybe he did. He was wrong. Or maybe he was right. I don't know I don't know I don't know.

I am so sensitive to every word he says, every action, every movement, everything.

[ECHOES]

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I didn't tell him to call back or anything, but he called me today.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> I love that he called you!

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was also bothered because I was trying to tell him that it was fine that I am a full-time therapist now, but in a few months being a therapist would no longer be the center of my life-- doctoral school would. And school is a lot more difficult to deal with while having an illness, than being a therapist is. He told me I was getting ahead of myself again and that I needed to focus on being in the moment. He wasn't hearing me. Or maybe he was. He didn't understand. Or maybe he did. He was wrong. Or maybe he was right. I don't know I don't know I don't know.

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It sounds like he was hearing you but I think you needed something here. I think he could have added to what he said, saying that he would be there still when you begin doctoral school and you and he together will deal with whatever happens. What do you think?

Hey T--"Nothing" never means "nothing", it means we are overwhelmed and / or have no words for what we're feeling or worrying about. It is so hard.

Pinksoil, your sensitivity is what I suspect helps make you a wonderful T yourself.

and I hope you're feeling better soon.

well... you already know that there is a big battle inside you between the competant therapist and the hurting you that has mental health issues.... this is a harder line to walk than most of us face between our dual struggles, because the healthier side of you also knows all of the tricks of the trade so to speak. You have *you* as the therapist in your head... but you aren't at the stage at which that works well...yet. You know how it goes... a client learns to internalize the therapist and then move to giving themselves what they need... and where does that leave you? You've got yourself, as a T, minding your own business and the rest of you doesnt want to listen yet. Frankly... that has to be a pain in the ***. (meant sympathetically) i'm sure you'd want to tell your T and your inner self to shut tf up.

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I have been engaging in sort of a push/pull thing with him lately about how he constantly focuses on the my work as a therapist (which I agree with 100% about), but I feel as though he is not acknowledging all of the pain and bad stuff that is going on along with that.

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scuffy and i had that sort of convo not long after i started... because my experience was like what you describe... that my pain and struggles were always written off by people, i had to fight for acknowledgement.. it was important that he not do that too.. i really feel a personal sort of twinge with what you said here.

im so sorry it hurts inside like this... im sorry that you feel unheard and afraid. There are a lot of new things to face, adjustments to make... fears to soothe and eventually conquer. You know that you'll need to address this feeling of being unheard inside, and not just rationalize it away because you happen to be a T in your day job.

what about writing out a conversation with yourself? (yes, really) Type it out and pretend you are two people. Ask yourself what is upsetting you about this... ask yourself why you told him nothing... be that T and ask yourself like you would a client. Do more asking in that role and answering in the other. i have frequently been somewhat enlightened by what came out of this exercise.... and i am pretty cynical about that sort of stuff.

i wish i knew how to sooth that hurting part of you... sending as much hugs and love as my cable modem will carry

[Kiya]

Fluff has a point - i have also done that dual convo thing (and am also pretty cynical) and learned alot (once the inner voices stopped telling me to shut tf up and started answering with enlightening responses).

[gimmeice]

(((((((((((((( pinksoil )))))))))))))))
I am sorry that you are having such a hard time, and I hope that you are feeling better soon.

[mlpHolmes]

I am so sorry you have such a conflict to deal with Pink. I think you are quite right that your T wasn't hearing or understanding you. However, I do not believe you are being overly sensitive - my reasoning: what type of T would end a session with his client extremely upset,& crying ends w/ "Ok, see you Tuesday!" even if she does say "nothing" is wrong(obviously something is wrong!)
Empathy towards your pain? Not in my opinion.
Does this sound like an "understanding" T? , or the proper & correct strategy?? You are really hard on yourself, & alot of all or nothing thinking. You are wonderful ease up on yourself you're Great and you'll be an awesome Doctor!

[kim_johnson]

Hey,

What was up with the Seroquel (How much did you take, when did you take it, what happened etc)? I was on that for a number of years and while it would take me a good week to get used to a 25mg dosage once I was used to it it helped me significantly with respect to overall calmness and good sleeping habits... But a week of hell while the system adjusts... Might be possible to 'ease into it' more gradually by way of splitting tablets...

It sounds like your therapist is trying to help you feel better by focusing on your strengths - how together and competent and professional and highly functional you are in your work as a therapist. That is nice... But a perfectly understandable response on your part would be to be concerned about how much the put together, competent, professional, and highly functional aspects will carry over in a different setting... Sometimes (when therapists don't get the issue) their variety of reinforcement (and what is meant to be reassuring) can be a source of stress in itself!

With respect to the 'nothing' that is my standard response to the question 'what is wrong?' Partly (for me) it is about my needing to take some time to figure out what is going on for me. Partly (for me) it is about an automatic response to what is typically (in our society) a cursory remark rather than a request for a genuine explanation.

> I was also bothered because I was trying to tell him that it was fine that I am a full-time therapist now, but in a few months being a therapist would no longer be the center of my life-- doctoral school would. And school is a lot more difficult to deal with while having an illness, than being a therapist is. He told me I was getting ahead of myself again and that I needed to focus on being in the moment. He wasn't hearing me. Or maybe he was. He didn't understand. Or maybe he did. He was wrong. Or maybe he was right. I don't know I don't know I don't know.

Aw sweetie... It is understandable that a change in your schedule would be a major source of stress. I find such changes to be a major source of stress, too. Every new academic year I'd start freaking out about what my classes were going to be like, what the professors were going to be like, what my fellow students were supposed to be like. I don't like change at all. I hate it in fact. It would really throw me into a spin...

Can you talk to him about how you are finding this change stressful to deal with?

I think he is right in the sense that the way to manage stress in the moment is taking care of yourself in the moment (e.g., relaxation, mindfulness, nice things for yourself like bubblebaths. Basically... Diverting your attention from ruminating / worrying about events to your attention becoming focused on pleasant sensory experiences in the present.

But: I think you are right in the sense that change is stressful. And the more your functioning and competence and professionalism is associating with your present activities the more the thought of engaging in different activities becomes a source of stress and concern...

Basically: Both can be right :-) To try and focus on pleasant sensory experiences when feeling upset and like things are too much... And to think and talk about your concerns about these stressful changes in your life such that you can start to feel better about these changes (and contemplate how there will be similarities between what you are doing now and what you will be doing such that your competence etc will transfer to this new setting).

Hang in there...

[Gravity]

Pink,
Sorry to hear the new med didn't work well for you. I know you've been frustrated about "going back to the drawing board" but this just means that you can cross this one of the list immediately (the same thing happened to me when I tried Trazadone - most hellish night of my life). You're still on the road to finding what will work for you.

Also, I had to notice that you had said recently in another post that you don't cry much in front of him. I know this was on the phone - but perhaps a step in the right direction?

I would think that it would be easier to go to school than to work as a therapist (I've got my doctorate so have experience in the school environment but not the therapist part). I can't imagine how seeing patients all day would be easier than going to school (not diminishing the difficulty that school presents). I almost feel like - hey, if you can handle seeing patients like us - then you can handle school!

[crazybones]

[ However, he did give me the opportunity to tell him what was wrong. I chose to say, "Nothing."
see i would suggest if u want him to be there for you be honest even though deep down he probably knew that something was wrong we men get SCARED yes i can honestly admit to this myself i get scared becuase i dont have all the answers and he really possibly wanted to help make you feel better you didnt give him a chance i dnk much about the whole situation nore do i need to know and also when he simply said you needed to basically finish one thing before you get to far ahead and become overwhelmed he was just looking out for you even though it may not seem that way i hope everything can be worked out and the both of you can come to an understanding best of luck to you