An issue that is screaming at me.

I've posted before about how I've wondered about my sexuality at times...I seem to be drawn to masculine females, though I've never had a sexual or lesbian relationship and do have enjoyable sex with my husband...but this seeing a masculine woman triggers my fantasys of being taken care off and completel merger with another I think...I really need to talk this out with T now, but its causing me anxiety even the thought of doing this, even though I had brooched the subject last friday when I talked about "The dream"...you know perhaps because my T fits this criteria and I'm scared she will say, "Do you find me to be masculine?" and yes I do, but she has an inner warmth that is pure woman!...I feel as if I'm on the borderline between accepting myself as female and not accepting it, like I can only accept being a female as long as its very close to being male also..it must be strong and not shallow...why I have this idea of what female is acceptable to me and what isn't? I Know my adoptive mother use to talk about what an attractive woman she was before she got us, and yes I've seen photos that back that up, but my experience of her was a big woman that always wore trousers...as a child I would cry if I had to wear a skirt, I hated having to do female things...my adoptive mother told me I wasn't a pretty girl, that i was rather plain...T says that my adoptive mother wouldn't let me be prettier then her...i was most proberbly a threat to her?...perhaps she felt the relationship I had with my adoptive father, which was very good enought! was a challenge to her? she was motherless from age5 and raised by her elder sister and had 2 brothers and her father who she idolised? Perhaps she wanted to be the only female in the house?..but why would that make me attracted to masculine strong women? or is that how I saw my adoptive mother? and Im hoping to get the care and loving still that I should have got from her? %#@&#! this drives me up the wall wondering why? what is it? what does it mean? does it mean I'm a closet lesbian? would I run a mile if a woman touched me? I've got to talk about this, but not sure I can be so fluent about it as I am here right now.

Mouse.

I don't see that liking the "masculine" elements of a woman or the "feminine" aspects of a man are a particular problem. I think probably all are mixtures. There is lots of variation, with "positive" aspects to them all.

Pachyderm, You know until you pointed this out I didnt' realise that this is all bound up in shame. When I have positive feelings toward a woman, I feel intense shame..unyet when I see a man that I find attractive, I just take it in my stride and let myself enjoy thinking about him...

Ya mean I did something right -- even if I didn't know it?

Well that depends on whether your wearing your Army fatigues today.

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Mouse said:
When I have positive feelings toward a woman, I feel intense shame..unyet when I see a man that I find attractive, I just take it in my stride and let myself enjoy thinking about him...

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I do this too. For me I think it is related to my previous conditioning that homosexuality is not acceptable. Then coupled with my continuing pattern of thought that I am not acceptable and "abnormal", it creates a perfect storm of negativity and fear. Intellectually I understand attraction, sexuality, gender identity are all separate things. We can identify ourselves or be judged by others on where we fit in each of these continuums. The hardest thing for me to remain conscious of is that where ever I am its is just a variation of normal.

Mouse I think it is great that you are open to exploring this in yourself and brave enough to share your thoughts with your T.

At our last "girlfriends' club" (small group of 6-8 professional women who happen to be hetero) meeting (we sit around and eat and drink and talk and laugh) many of us admitted that we are often attracted to females, not really sexually, but emotionally, nonetheless. Women and men possess different qualities and there's nothing unusual about admiring them.

Mouse and Chaotic, I wish you could get over the shame feelings. I know how awful they can be. I was conditioned to believe homosexuality was a mortal sin and managed to let that go a long time ago, but there is still shame associated with sex period. I'm so impressed by how open you are with your T, mouse. Jealous, I guess!