Getting praise from your T

I had therapy today and my T was telling me how good I was doing and I felt so uncomfortable. I don't take praise very well. I'm just not used to it. She kept telling me how proud she was of me for making such good choices and that the idea of making my vision board was. She was also proud of me for making the decision to keep a food diary. I meant to bring that to her today but forgot it. I brought my vision board but forgot the food diary. I'll have to remember that for next week. I saw on the news the other day that if you keep a food diary you are more likely to lose double the weight than if you don't so I thought that was an easy way to lose weight. So far its working I think twice about eating something because I want to make it worth the while to have to write it down. But do you feel comfortable when your T or anyone gives you praise for how you are doing?

Jbug

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But do you feel comfortable when your T or anyone gives you praise for how you are doing?

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No, I usually tend to dismiss these comments or act like I didn't hear them. I don't really like hearing praise during the session. It can be almost painful at times. For some reason it makes me feel childish; like she thinks I need a gold star on my behavior mod chart. The sad thing is some deep inner child ego inside me does really like maybe even needs to get T's gold stars. Kind of stupid, i know.

I think my T gets my pseudo -aversion to praise. Most of her praise is done in a very low key way and she allows me to ignore her.

Uuuggh, I do horribly on the receiving end of a compliment. Usually my head nods down, I lose eye contact, and grumble. I seem to do fairly well at giving the compliments though...Guess its never too late to realize that we truly deserve some praise, right?

(((jbug)))

On the outside I don't, but inside me quitely looked away in an underground dungeon is a small child that craves praise.

I can't take praise or a compliment either. I always discount them somehow, e.g., oh, I just got lucky (I just realized what that sounds like and how I wish it were true - lol). I think I think compliments are insincere and sometimes manipulative. But maybe that's part of the sefl-esteem problems....

I totally understand.
Part of me is craving compliments and acceptance, and then when they do come they make me uncomfortable. I feel like if someone praises me, then there is just further for me to fall..so a compliment turns into pressure in my head.

I've talked with T about this, and he said it has to do with my fear of people abandoning me.
When someone compliments me, that brings me closer to them. The closer I am with someone, the worse it will hurt if they abandon me.

I hope that makes sense. It is something I'm still working on fully comprehending.

BTW -- excellent work on the food journal and vision board! I might just have to borrow your idea on the vision board and do that for myself.


Owl

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jbug said:
She kept telling me how proud she was of me for making such good choices and that the idea of making my vision board was. She was also proud of me for making the decision to keep a food diary. Jbug

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That's so weird! I just started a food diary this week and I've been working on a vision board too!

As for praise during therapy... I echo the above sentiments that it make me feel uncomfortable too. I feel like a 'little kid' obtaining approval from an authority figure. You know, like: "Good job sweetie! I knew you could do it!" And then you get pat on the head...

I remember when I told a p-doc of my upcoming career change and he kept smiling at me (he didn't do that very often) and telling me what a wonderful opportunity it would be-- it felt unauthentic in a way. He was making a bigger deal out of it than I was!

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I feel like a 'little kid' obtaining approval from an authority figure. You know, like: "Good job sweetie! I knew you could do it!" And then you get pat on the head...

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Yes! This is exactly how it makes me feel.

The thing is, I'm a teacher, and when I do that to my kids? I totally mean it. I wouldn't praise them if I didn't mean it. So that makes it harder for me to doubt T, too.

For some reason I can handle it when it's my T or my pdoc, because they're low key about it. My pdoc says things like it's nice to see some of your spark returning, and she was really happy for me when I got my job. My T talks about it in terms of how much progress I've made.

But for some reason I can't handle it at all from my addictions Dr. I mean I know I'm less comfortable with her overall, but she's really effusive in her praise over how far I've come, where as I guess I still am more concentrated on how hard it is, and the areas in my life that I'm still trying to work on, such as being more social. She's also naturally a really formal and reserved person, so it seems kind of weird when she gets all enthusiastic about stuff. Makes me seriously uncomfortable.

--splitimage

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Spotted Owl said:

I've talked with T about this, and he said it has to do with my fear of people abandoning me.

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I don't get this. Can you explain it in more detail?

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skeki said:
I'm a teacher, and when I do that to my kids? I totally mean it.

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But that is just it, I feel like my T see me as a child who needs someones praise. I feel like as an adult I should not need the praise or approval of someone else. When I get it I feel like I have lowered myself to the level of a small child.

I completely can relate to Spottedowl. I crave acceptance and praise, but am terrified of abandonment and rejection. It is something I have been dealing with my entire life.

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AllyH88 said:
You know, like: "Good job sweetie! I knew you could do it!" And then you get pat on the head...


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This is funny to me, because a few months ago in therapy, T asked me what I needed and I told him "I need you to pat me on the head and tell me I'm doing a good job"

Therapy brings out the little kid in me, I admit it. It's the first time I've let myself be childlike EVER probably. For sure, it's the first time since the age of 3 or so. But before I'm done, I hope to be a whole adult.

Im not sure how I feel. I think I feel that they are using "praise" as postive reinforcment, and that makes it yucky.But then I also think that they are trying to help me feel better about making certian choices like asking for help. I dont know. I just am trying to accept it and allow it to settle with out processing it. Its hard. It means alot to me though when they do tell me Im working hard or they are proud of me. See Im not sure how I feel.

At the time I say thank you, move on quicky. Afterwards, out of there, I feel it a while and it feels good. Then I start warping it, turning it into something else--a criticism in disguise or an obvious exaggeration that she might say to see if I 'buy' it, etc.

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Echoes said:
I feel it a while and it feels good. Then I start warping it

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Hate that.... totally hate it.

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Quote:

I've talked with T about this, and he said it has to do with my fear of people abandoning me.

Chaotic13 said:
I don't get this. Can you explain it in more detail?

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I'll do my best chaotic13-- let me give you a hypothetical situation.

Lets say I'm cooking, and someone I respect says 'Owl is the most amazing cook'. Rather than accepting the compliment as a warm fuzzy, it turns into pressure in my head. In order to live up to the expectations of an 'amazing cook', I feel like there is no room for error, and if I do mess up that person will not like me any more or find out I'm a fraud.

I have a hard time believing that people will accept me even if I make mistakes, or if they find out that I'm just a 'ok cook', instead of an 'amazing cook'.

I'm not so sensitive with everyone, but particularly with authority figures or people I really respect. I *think* this has to do with the fact that most of the authority figures in my life were not there for me emotionally as I grew up. When they needed me, I'd jump to help, but when I needed them they were checked out or dismissive or just not there. So I internalized that as me being 'not good enough'.

I'm afraid that if people find out I'm 'just human', they too will abandon me when I need them.

Hope that makes some sense...it is a pretty new realization for me, so I'm still digesting it all.

((Cmara)) -- Thanks for the understanding!