Re-parenting

Icon applied for brief mention of cutting (not the focus of the post).

I am trying to sort through some excruciating exchanges with T this week, part of which I posted about in my earlier thread entitled "Aftermath"... These conversations evolved over the course of two days as I asked for an extra session this week.

Yesterday, I told T that I wanted to hold on to the resilience of my inner chlid and hoped to parent her myself--that I was aware of the fact that--although she had so little to hold onto--that she had a certain resilience that she created for herself.

T said that I had so little parenting and that when I did get some it was very rough, so I am drawn to painful experience. I asked him if he meant the cutting and he said yes, but also the ruptures we have experienced together. He said that therapy has to yield positive changes in your life.

I reflected and I told him that felt that there had been many positives over the past two years and I articulated several of them. I then said that his statement made me feel as though he were kicking me out of therapy, sort of "shape up or ship out." But yet, I was able to say this with a smile because the adult me knows that wasn't true. He pointed out that my feeling this is exactly what he means about me begin drawn to the negative experience of parenting--that rather than hearing him make an empathic statement about my experience I heard him tell me to get lost. This is similar to what I said in my prior thread about not hearing what was actually said.

I know I do this when I am frightened. It is a protective mechanism--a sort of batten down the hatches mode.

He said that he sees how hard it is for me to find a place at "home" in his office. I told him that I never relax, anywhere. He said it was important for us to stay aware of these negative feelings and exchanges and talk them through so we don't fall into the same pattern that I lived with as a child. He said that what we were after was a new experience for me--a "re-parenting." He said that although it is important to go to these scary places of our childhood from time to time that the goal is to recontextualize the experience. I told him he reminded me of the guided imagery journey I listen to on a Bellaruth Naparstek tape for ptsd. She says that although you cannot make these things go away, your willingness to look at them can make them change over time.

I was able to tell him that I have finally accepted the existence of my wounded inner child and it is in his office that she can be--and that I knew it was safe there for her to come out and ask for the colored pencils if she needs them.

I asked him if he thought I would be coming twice a week if I didn't get anything out of it. He said that people stay in bad marriages all the time. This statement freaked me out;

Yet he was very caring and open in saying he will see me next week at our usual time. I told him he was leaving me with a mind %#@&#!. Oh God, this is so freaking hard--it sucks.
I am left holding every possible feeling in the book. Oy vey.

Oh, how confusing a session, but it sounds like it was challenging in a good way, too.

My T has said something similar to that "bad marriages" line. It hurt to hear, because it felt like he was saying that though I perceived myself as getting good things out of T, it wasn't true. But I think I was just casting it in the most negative possible light.

Maybe as you notice yourself falling into the "batten down the hatches" mode, you can point it out to him so that together you can work through them more?

MissCharlotte, I can see why you would have been so shaken by this session.

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He said that therapy has to yield positive changes in your life.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Did this make you sad, that your T didn't recognize the positives that therapy has brought?

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He said that people stay in bad marriages all the time. This statement freaked me out;

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Yeah, me too! Yikes.

MissC, it seems your T was quite reflective this session and dropping some bombs. What does it mean? Does he want your therapy to move into a new phase? A more positive phase?

Take care.

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MissCharlotte said:

He said it was important for us to stay aware of these negative feelings and exchanges and talk them through so we don't fall into the same pattern that I lived with as a child. He said that what we were after was a new experience for me--a "re-parenting."

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Wow, Miss C. What a session.

The quote above jumped out at me when I read your post. It sounds to me like T wants to give you a new, positive experience....and maybe he's worried that it's not making it through the negative filter??

I was really impressed in your post when you described your awareness of wanting to filter things in a negative way, but your ability to hold on to the knowledge that that wasn't what T was really saying. That's such a great skill.

(((((((((((((((((((((( Miss )))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Skeksi,

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I think I was just casting it in the most negative possible light.

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Yeah, I tend to do that too! And you are right! It was a positive challenge as well.
The hatches are opened this morning.

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id this make you sad, that your T didn't recognize the positives that therapy has brought?

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Well, actually Sunny it made me panic that unless I saw the positives he was going to kick me out of therapy. I know, ridiculous, but there nonetheless. What I know this morning is that he was simply saying out loud what he wants us both to keep an eye on (the good stuff). He did this because the other sessions this week were incredibly painful for me as I integrate traumatic experience from my childhood.

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MissC, it seems your T was quite reflective this session and dropping some bombs. What does it mean? Does he want your therapy to move into a new phase? A more positive phase?

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I'll tell you Sunny, I think it means that he was trying to be empathic while helping me to see that there is a future for me out there---a world for the new, integrated me. I think he was helping me to hold onto the fact that the trauma was in the past and that he and I are in the now. Sigh. What a difference a day makes. I awoke feeling okay about all of this, so as a person who is working on relying on her feelings I have to assume this is a good thing! And as far as the statement about marriages goes, I just had a lightening bolt thought--I think he said that because he wants to empower me. He wants me to realize that as an adult I hold the power to make changes in situations that are not good for me whether it's therapy or anything else. Whoa. I don't think he was saying that therapy is bad--just that I have my own power to change things now because I am an adult.

So he is challenging me to hold onto two parts of myself simultaneously--the wounded child and the empowered adult. Can I do this?

Hi earthmama,

With respect to the statement about reparenting--I think that what T is doing is embracing my inner child along with me. I began the session by talking about my inner child and her resilience and he just jumped on board my train with me! It's amazing to me how we can say things and then they just act as if they have been waiting for years for us to say it.

Isn't it amazing how a night's sleep can create a whole new reflection? The inner/unconscious processing is so cool.

(hmmmm, maybe he has been--just sitting there waiting for me) Yoo hoo T-- I 'm here!!!

LOL

Miss C, Sounds like a good session.

((((((((((((((miss!!!))))))))))))))
That's a lot to take in. I don't know what else to say that hasn't already been covered - but I'm here.
Kiya

(((MissC))),
What progress! I have to admit that I was afraid at what your T said. However, after you shared your post-sleep thoughts, I totally understand what you are saying! I'm so proud of you! Your hard, excriciating work IS paying off. There is hope! Thank you for sharing this with us.

Soli,

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I have to admit that I was afraid at what your T said

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OMG so was I. I actually fantasized yesterday afternoon that I had to write him a "Dear john" letter, saying "thank you very much but sayonara" (and enclose a check for one week). I figured he meant he wanted me to quit. But he doesn't. He is simply challenging me to take my own power--to admit that I have the power over my circumstances now despite the fact that there was a time in my life that I didn't. Although he didn't say this directly I just know he meant it because I know he cares about me and I know that he wants only good for me. And--we have had many conversations about the prospect of personal power and, in fact, when I first began therapy I told him I didn't believe I had any and he goes, "I know."

Sigh. I feel good but absolutely exhausted today. This is really hard work.

Yes, it is really hard work! But you have gone from reading the negative "I'm going to leave you" in what T says, to accurately reading what he says, that he is saying things to empower and help you. I thank you, because this has actually "clicked" with me. I'm having difficulty seeing the positive in what my T says. I have a feeling that I'm misinterpreting him, but the amygdala alarm is still set off. So, even though I can fathom a different meaning, I can think a different meaning, I have yet to "feel" the different meaning. When I also feel it, it will resonate, and that's what I think I'm seeing in you Somehow, as confusing as this reply is, I know you'll understand, LOL. Again, keep up the good work! I can't wait to see what scenarios you come up with now that you are seeing things in a positive light, LOL. What can possibly outdo the assprint, the fire alarm, and the bathroom key? I have no idea, but I'm sure you'll figure out something. Love you.