the ebb and flow

My last couple of sessions before my most recent one have been pretty intense, as has outside of therapy. It's hard to describe, but I think I had a transformative experience, as in life-changing. I haven't been able to write about it because it was too... too... too... something. (And it sounds melodramatic when I write it.) It had to do with my recognizing how I felt about a certain behavior I have that dates back to childhood. The recognition of how I felt about this (how could I not know?) made me want to change that age-old behavior, and I did. It was kind of amazing for me. It made me feel very happy. I sat in T's office and was beaming. He beamed back. I said, simply, "I feel happy," and he was delighted. I don't remember ever saying or feeling anything remotely like that in his office before. I hope this experience has a lasting effect and I can keep this up--my changed behavior pattern. T recognized the significance of this moment completely, and I love him for that. It was also wonderful to be able to share this with T and I told him that. (I was really letting lose with the positive feelings in therapy, and that was so unusual too, and so wonderful.) In response, he said, "I am honored. You have laid this on our altar and I accept." It was a solemn moment, made almost holy by T’s choice of words.

In all of this, I'm not quite sure what happened. There are cusp moments, turning points in our lives, and from our vantage point in the future we can look back and identify these. I feel and hope this is one of those, and it is a gift to be able to see it now, instead of not until the future.

In my most recent session, things were different. It was kicking back and taking it easy, going less deep and being more practical. We didn't mention the stuff from before. That's what I mean by the ebb and flow of therapy. On the one hand, it is disappointing to me. On the other hand, I am somewhat exhausted by all of this. And still processing. I was not a leader in therapy during this session. T was quite directive and I just let him run with it. He invited me to move into considering the future with him now. Raising questions, but not necessarily answering them, visualizing how things might be and what I want out of life. I was more receptive to this than I have been before, and we talked a little on this topic. It's a start. But it’s unsettling too, as it fills me with an underlying uneasiness—is this the beginning of our end? Do I really have to do this? (Can I just run away now?)

Wow Sunny,

It feels a little bit as though we are on similar tracks here. Moving forward in a positive light is the common thread.

I love your ocean metaphor. Therapy is so much like the ebb and flow of waves on the shore. </font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
T was quite directive and I just let him run with it

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> I love when this happens-it's as if they know when we need them to carry a bit of the session...the sense of timing is perfect, isn't it?

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It's a start. But it’s unsettling too, as it fills me with an underlying uneasiness—is this the beginning of our end? Do I really have to do this?

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Yes yes yes! I share this feeling you have. But I think the beginning of the end was the day we first walked into their offices.

It's almost like every once in a while we look up and say-whoa-this is an amazing experience, I never want it to end! (Because we know it will never be repeated in exactly the same fashion.) But it's funny because when therapy ends it is a true beginning for us.

I too seem to be on this same ocean. Lots of change, and t took charge last time - and i let her and rode it out with her. That is nice, Sunny, that you can have that pinnicle moment now rather than later looking back. Knowing it is a time of change while you are in it. That is huge.
Holding for you the continued change of the behavoial pattern.
((((((((((sunny)))))))))))))
kiya

Wow Sunny. It must have been an amazing session to feel that it was life-changing. I think sometimes I notice my age-old behaviors, but it is so hard to change old habits. Can you share more about this one? Did you do something specific to feel that you'd changed a pattern or is it more that you have the maturity and insight now to just choose a different path?

Sometimes it feels good when T's are directive. I think sometimes my T drops in little comments to prepare me for later discussions. She know that I need a long time to process and think about things before I'm willing to discuss them. So my guess, I've never asked, is that she drops things in for my reflection to help direct me towards more growth. Maybe this is what your T was doing.

Sunrise I am glad you feel like you've move though a transformative experience. It sounds like you feel really good about the growth and change you've made. It also sounds like during your session that you and your T stopped for a moment and allowed yourself to be fully consumed by your happiness. I real one of your other posts regarding giving T's gifts. From how you describe your T, I think your ability to briefly share your happiness with him was a certainly viewed as a great gift.

I hope you are willing to share more of this experience with us. I like to hear about these experiences. It give me hope that happiness although fragile and seeming unsustainable in this world does exists.

So in an effort amplify this experience I will ask you more about it and how you found it. I know it is likely personal so realize that I am not asking for specific details. I just would love to hear about the overall experience.
If you do not want to share any more on this it is OK to say, "Chaotic butt out". I'll put my curiosity in check.

You mentioned that you've had a really intense month both in and out of therapy. From what you've shared here I say: "Damn, girl you have been wadding through some serious crap!" You have certainly earned yourself a lot more than a passing moment of... I Feel Happy. I am reminded of one of Mouse_'s post where she shared a Buddhist perspective on Pain vs. Pleasure. (That was a great share--TY again mouse )

I'll start my inquiry with this statement:
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It had to do with my recognizing how I felt about a certain behavior I have that dates back to childhood.

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When I read this statement, you seem to be saying that the recognition of how you felt was more important than simply acknowledging the age-old behavior pattern. Since I frequently misinterpret things, it this correct? Can you elaborate on how this recognition came about? Was is something that occurred gradually and at one point you stepped back and said, Hmmm wow? Or did your feeling just come in the form of a.... catharsis? (I like that word...there was a great thread on the spirituality forum on it).

Sunrise, if you are not interesting in sharing more about this experience, that's OK. Just know that I am very glad that you found a moment of happiness recently and that you took the opportunity to share this gift with our T and with us. Thank you

I hope that what your fearing as a sign of the "beginning of our end" turns out to be just a beginning glimpse of the many much happier moments to come both in your therapeutic relationship and in other relationships.

Thanks, MissCharlotte, Kiya, Lemon, and Chaotic.

MissCharlotte and Kiya, it sounds like we have been in some similar spaces recently. That feels nice.

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MissCharlotte wrote:
It's almost like every once in a while we look up and say-whoa-this is an amazing experience, I never want it to end!

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Yes, MissCharlotte, I think that often. It really has been an amazing journey and I wish I could keep doing it my whole life.

yes having company makes things.... well - not hard to bear. not so isolated. it validates.

(((((sunrise))))))))

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Lemon said:
Wow Sunny. It must have been an amazing session to feel that it was life-changing. I think sometimes I notice my age-old behaviors, but it is so hard to change old habits. Can you share more about this one? Did you do something specific to feel that you'd changed a pattern or is it more that you have the maturity and insight now to just choose a different path?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Hi Lemon, the transformative experience actually happened over a few weeks, with a part of it in T's office. Yes, I did something specific to change a pattern although it was not even a pattern of behavior I had been terribly aware of or discontented with up until the last few weeks. Part of the experience was discovering this pattern in myself and seeing the chain of repetitions stretching back to childhood. And when the situation reared up again, in therapy, right then and there I changed my behavior. Just like that. It was an incredible experience. It felt great, actually, to do that. I felt really empowered to be able to change a pattern and also like I was reclaiming so much energy that the pattern drains away from me. This came right at the end of a session so we didn't have time to talk about this or process it or anything. Then a week later we did, and that was when I felt so happy with him.

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chaotic13 said:
I real one of your other posts regarding giving T's gifts. From how you describe your T, I think your ability to briefly share your happiness with him was a certainly viewed as a great gift.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">I think you are right, chaotic. Thanks for pointing that out. I think we can give our T's lots of gifts that are not material goods. I think they are deeply appreciated--a reward of being a therapist.

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chaotic13 said:</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
It had to do with my recognizing how I felt about a certain behavior I have that dates back to childhood.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">When I read this statement, you seem to be saying that the recognition of how you felt was more important than simply acknowledging the age-old behavior pattern. Since I frequently misinterpret things, it this correct? Can you elaborate on how this recognition came about? Was is something that occurred gradually and at one point you stepped back and said, Hmmm wow? Or did your feeling just come in the form of a.... catharsis?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Yes, the recognition of how I felt was very important. This was not a behavioral pattern I was very cognizant of or maybe I was somewhat, but didn't see it as a major problem. You are right, what was key, was recognizing how I felt about this pattern. I didn't know how I felt about it, it was very deep and unconscious and hidden from me. Through work with T in session, the unconscious became more known to me, through our work on dream analysis and emotional connections to the conscious world. No, the recognition did not occur gradually, but almost all at once, and then when I saw in a flash how I felt about it, and then started experiencing the pattern again (in session!), I suddenly saw a way out, that now that I knew how I felt, I did not have to do this anymore. And so I didn't. It was kind of instantaneous. The change in energy flow was amazing and incredibly reinforcing.

During my processing of this and attempts to give this experience context and better understand how a dream helped bring about behavioral change, I was reminded of accounts I have read of people who have taken the psychoactive drug ibogaine (and some other drugs) and because of their experience while under the influence, have then been able to abruptly beat addictions (like smoking, heroin, alcohol). They are able to quit immediately and maintain that. Something inside their brains changed and they became able to do this, despite previous unsuccessful attempts.

I know it is really not the same, but that is what I was reminded of. Insights I gained while in an altered state of consciousness helped me change my behavior (which was not an addiction) in the conscious world.

For me what was key was understanding how I felt about the behavior. There was nothing rational about this.

That's my somewhat "out there" explanation. Chaotic, if you ask me a bunch of rational and reasoned questions about this, I probably won't be able to answer, as they just won't "fit."

I wish all could have an experience like this....

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Chaotic, if you ask me a bunch of rational and reasoned questions about this, I probably won't be able to answer,

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I think I get it. The transformation occurred in the right hemisphere of the brain and the left hemisphere can't explain it. Maybe even attempting to is counter-productive.

I'm really glad you had your T there to share it with. I hope this positive energy flow ripples through and positively feeds other aspects of you life.

Thanks for sharing.