Therapist giving compliments... I can't take it!!

Yesterday in session, T said something (can't really remember, lol), but I know it was about the other parts of me, aside from depression, SI, all the bad stuff...

I was in a crappy and self-deprecating mood to start with, so I said something like, "Oh yeah? Name one thing."

So T goes, "Your creativity, the depths of your intellgience, your ability to--"

"OK OK OK that's enough! Stop! I said to give ONE example!"

Yes, that's right-- I totally cut him off and freaked out.

Where does this come from? As a child, there was no shortage of compliments. My parents never hesitated to let me know that they were proud of me. To this day, this is still the case.

But when T compliments me, or mentions what he feels are good qualities in me, I flip out. I noticed I also get really uncomfortable when people such as supervisors or professors compliment me. When T does this, I want to shut him up as quickly as possible. What's the deal?

Do you suspect he is trying to get your approval by complimenting you?

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pachyderm said:
Do you suspect he is trying to get your approval by complimenting you?

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I have approved him a long time ago.

I don't think he has "motives" for complimenting me. In this particular case, I did ask him to name something positive. My T is very genuine and authenic-- I do not believe that he would state things that he didn't truly believe. But for me, it is not about why he gives the compliments-- I compliment my patients a lot b/c I want to share with them, the wonderful things abou them that I see. This is more about my reaction to his compliments.

When I get compliments I sometimes panic because I wonder how I can live up to it. If my boss tells me what a good job I'm doing, for a split second I feel really great, but then I feel like I have to live up to that image at all times and even surpass it. It then becomes an overwhelming pressure. Simultaneously, I often question the truth of the compliment--am I misrepresenting myself? Am I a fraud? and then it turns into the "I am bad" self talk. Yep, compliments and me don't get along too well.

I think Kessa's on the right track here. I think that when we are shaken and unsure of ourselves and we screw up we see ourselves as bad. Period. That's it--we are bad! (Sort of the feeling of I told you so, T!)

Then along comes a compliment...a reference to a part of ourselves that we can't see or feel at that moment. We panic and say, "Who is he talking about?"

Then, if we agree that there is or was a "good and talented self" (that T described), we feel we have to be that self and that is a difficult prospect because we feel ugly in this moment. Also, it is really hard to hold onto competing views of ourselves. We feel we have to be either good OR bad, but not be something in between or both. Maybe you are a smart, talented, intelligent person who occasionally has a difficult time and does something you're not proud of?

Another thought is that the "bad" feeling is realy old -- like infancy old. You wouldn't remember and it's possible you were made to feel bad about something--something you needed.

I'm glad you were able to discuss this and have your session.



xoxoxxoxoxoxoxoxxo

This thread really got to me for some reason and brought up a lot of "stuff". In addition to what I said earlier, compliments can trigger another fear in me. For example, if a friend would tell me I'm funny, a part of me wonders...Is that why they like me? What if I'm not funny anymore will I be rejected? Does this mean that love is dependent on "what I do" and not based on "because I am"? I must be "on" at all times.
It exhausts me this fear of rejection.

For some odd reason, most of the time it feels like some kind of criticism to me.

Other times it feels so good and I can hardly supress the delighted grin that wants to come and seems out of place.

It makes me feel like I have to deny the compliments. With the modesty I learned growing up, it seemed somehow boastful or arrogant to readily accept compliments. So I sometimes deny them or shunt them aside or say, "but you're so much better," or whatever. As I've grown through the years, I've tried to stop this learned behavior, as I know there are things about myself that are worth complimenting and people who shunt compliments aside can be annoying (false modesty, can't take praise, etc.)! But still, it's hard. I often feel so screwed up that it seems almost laughable to think a compliment is due me. Like, who are we kidding here, lol!

When T compliments me, it can be especially hard, because, like ECHOES, I can feel like grinning and that seems inappropriate! So I try to contain my joy just as I try to contain things like sadness when they come up. I am trying to get better about this and not contain so much, but it's hard! And when he says the nice things about our relationship, that is even more hard. Oy.

Usually, compliments set off the warning bells for me, I guess if someone can notice something good, they can notice the bad stuff too. And of course, I wonder what "payment" I'll be asked to give for the compliment. But over the course of my therapy, we've talked about the limited range of emotions - happy or sad - that I allow myself to feel or express. My therapist talks about the parent's role in helping a child modulate their feelings - happy or sad or angry or whatever. So if your parents didn't join you when you did something really well - you kind of don't know how to handle that surge of pride or joy or whatever. Mutual regulation between a parent and infant leads to the infant growing up learning how to regulate themselves.

It has taken me a long time, but often I'll now share in therapy when something goes well, or I do something right. And I'm not totally terrified that he'll leap out of his chair and exclaim, "Great! You are cured. Now go away." (not totally...just a little...)

But not being able to accept compliments is not unusually pathological, I don't think. It seems really common for people, all the hidden stuff about it not being polite to agree with someone that you are great at something, etc.

One of the best things I learned when my kids were small was to take pride in their accomplishments but not own them. So when someone would say, "wow - your son is really sweet," instead of replying "thank you" - I now say, "yes, I think so too." And I repeat the compliment to him when ever possible.

I think I feel a mixture of all of the above. I definitely feel I am I a fraud and that they just don't really know my true level of knowledge. I also feel like if I seem really pleased with myself for earning their praise then I'm being childish for caring what they think or egotistical for accepting that the praise is true.

When my T give me a compliment often times I assume that she is just doing it to raise my self-esteem or to positively reinforce some behavior. I kind of interpret is as as "GOOD GIRL" pat on the head thing.

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Flowerb said:
So when someone would say, "wow - your son is really sweet," instead of replying "thank you" - I now say, "yes, I think so too." And I repeat the compliment to him when ever possible.

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I like that response! When someone compliments me on my students (I teach), I often agree, "Yes, aren't they ____? I am so proud of them!"

I am learning to share my accomplishments with my T and accept that he feels good with me, but accepting the compliments he gives of his own volition is still really challenging. Probably because I'm not in control and I have a hard time trusting he has no deeper motives.