Quitting Therapy

I think I'm quitting therapy.

I called T and canceled Friday's appointment and I mailed him a check today for my appointment yesterday. I usually see him twice a week and pay on Friday.

Everything in me is screaming RUN.

So I'm running.

I'm worried about you... check your PM.

I just read about your great appt. and now you want to run. Hmmm, interesting....

the "everything" that is screaming run... is it the same everything linked to the things in life that do not work for you anymore? i mean... maybe this voice of "run" is from a coping style you dont need anymore... maybe this is a time to tell everything that now isn't the time to run. Running isn't always safer, but it's almost always familiar to us.... and familiar won't give us the change we seek.

many blessings em

It's too late. I left a message canceling my next appointment, and didn't ask him to call back. So he won't call back, and he'll let me go.

He's probably relieved to be rid of me.

This is more familiar. All of that caring and understanding - it was too much, I don't know how to handle it. Now I'll just be on my own, like I'm used to.

The edge feels oh so close.

I was going to say a lot more, but I guess what I really want to say is that I understand how you feel. I'm sorry you are having such a rough time at this point. I hope you can take a deep breath and take a step back from the edge. I'll be thinking of you.

Earthmama.... can you sit with this a bit? You can always change your mind. Like they've said in here - run used to be the safe thing - but now it may be time to hang up the shoes. T might call you back (i hope). ANd even if he doesn't, you can always call him back and change your mind. I hope you'll give it some thought. We can't change without going through the painful scary stuff. letting someone care sometimes falls into those categories.
(((((((((((em))))))))))) thinking about you!!!

(((( earthmama )))))

I know that feeling so well.
I have run so many times.
This time I have vowed to not run from therapy. She asked me to trust the process so I am.
But it doesn't stop the wanting to run.
Right now I want to run, but from everything except T for a change.

Can you say what it is that's making you want to run?

(((((((((((((((((((((( everyone )))))))))))))))))))))))

T e-mailed and called. We talked. It helped, I think. Helped me get out of the dark, panicky place for now, anyhow.

He said he still had my Friday time available. I told him that I was stuck - that I still wanted to run. He said "I would like to ask you to try something different, and not run this time, and come on Friday". I don't know if I'll go, but I think I will.

I feel kind of dissociated, but wanted to update and say thanks.

What a great T to email, call, and keep your appointment time open.

I hope you'll go, and see what it's like to go when you really want to run.

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T e-mailed and called. We talked. It helped, I think. Helped me get out of the dark, panicky place for now, anyhow.

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((((earthmama))))

This sounds so much like last winter when I canceled my appointments on a number of occasions. T never really let them go! I am glad your T didn't either. Go to your appointment, take your time, breathe deeply and all will be okay. I think your T is awesome and I think you two have a solid working relationship, so see if you can conjure up the safety you felt last week and bring a little bit with you. Be well and take gentle care.

((earthmama))

(((EM))) Sorry to hear that you are struggling so much this week. I decided on Monday to quit therapy at least for a while. I just can't handle returning at the moment.

I'm glad your T responded and is keeping your Friday slot available if you change your mind.

Earthmama,
I love your T and I don't even know him. I'm so relieved he called and emailed you. Please go to your appt.....please let him try to help you. You are worth it.


ktgirl

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earthmama said:

T e-mailed and called. We talked. It helped, I think. Helped me get out of the dark, panicky place for now, anyhow.

He said he still had my Friday time available. I told him that I was stuck - that I still wanted to run. He said "I would like to ask you to try something different, and not run this time, and come on Friday". I don't know if I'll go, but I think I will.

I feel kind of dissociated, but wanted to update and say thanks.

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Yyyyyyyyyeeeeeeaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!!!!! I was so happy to read this! You do have an awesome T!

i am so glad your T knows the place you are at and is able to work with you in that. i am also glad to hear you trusting a little more. Hope your day goes well

If I canceled mine today, my T wouldn't call and try and convince me to come in...so I say go on Friday.

He's reaching out to help you. You can do this!

Just a quick update -

I DID go to my appointment today.

It started out as a really hard session. I did NOT want to let him in, and I think I sat and glared at him more than anything.

BUT - some little part of me knew that that was where I needed to be, and that he IS the person who can help me - so after a while, I tried to let him in a little.

And before I knew it - maybe halfway through the session, I was able to lay down on his couch and relax (which I only do when I'm feeling young and safe) and just BE there and share and let him take care of me. I never thought I would get to that point today - but I did.

At the end, I started feeling the "run!" urge come back a little and I told him I didn't want that over the weekend - I wanted to take the safe, cared for feeling with me. So he said, "what can we do?" and I said "Maybe you could tell me a story" - sort of half joking - but he replied "okay, what kind of story would you like?" I finally asked him to tell me the story of a piece of art on his wall - and he did, and it was actually a really good, really interesting story.

I still feel a little....tenuous? But I am trying to hold on to the safe feeling over the weekend.

Believe in Him or not --- GOD LOVES YOU!

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((earthmama))

You are extremely brave!!!!

Kudos to you and your inner child!