did a dumb thing, had to call my pdoc at 10 PM

I emailed a friend trying to explain my thoughts and feelings--sorta like what I would express here on PC, but maybe a little more in depth because I was really in touch with my feelings and my thoughts were a little demanding at the moment. Well, she freaked out and threatened to call the cops to have me committed. I was searching for confirmation that was okay, I sure did not get that from her.

So, the only way I could keep her from calling the cops was to call my pdoc at 10 PM. I did not want to bother him and I am still not convinced it was really necessary. But I sure did not want the cops to come knocking on my door and dragging me off to the psych ward.

I was honest with him about my lack of sleep and my thoughts--I had no choice--my friend also forwarded my email to him. I felt a little pressured into talking to him and I resisted, not because I don't trust him, just because I don't like being told what to do--even if it is the right thing to do.

He gave me what I had asked my friend for--he gave me confirmation that I am not going insane, that I really am okay, that my thoughts are probably a result of very little sleep due to a bit of possible mania...really, any "normal" person as sleep deprived as I am would be having some odd thoughts. I truly am more "normal" than I believe myself to be. He relieved some of my anxiety.

I still feel a little bad about bothering him at home that late at night. But, I am glad he gave me what I needed...I can always count on him to provide just the right thing for me. Even if sometimes I don't agree, but usually, I see his logic and generally he is right. The good thing about him is that he talks to me like I am a partner in my medical care. He never pulls the "I am the doctor, you must do what I tell you." card. He lets me make up my own mind about things--he guides me with his knowledge--he never demands me to do as he says. Even when he had me committed to the hospital because I was psychotic, he somehow reached into my warped brain and helped me decide that it was the right thing to do--he let me keep control of my life when it would have been easier for him to just have me committed. In doing that, I did not resist being in the hospital, because I agreed to it--I was never told to do it. that also helped me preserve some of my dignity. Giving me the control of my life is very important to me and I think it has really helped me grow. I have been responsible for my own mental health. He has had to be very patient with me, I have not always seen his logic right away--there were times he had to work real hard to help me see that his idea was the better option...but, then he also helped me make the idea my own--he ultimately gave me the choice. he is a master at communicating with me. And, did I mention that he is really super patient--the most patient person I have ever known.

So, yes, I still feel a little bad about calling him. Even though, really, I know it is what he would have wanted me to do. It was reassuring to hear his voice. He is seeing me tomorrow even though he is not going to be in the office seeing other patients. He is going out of his way to help me...or in some ways to help me help myself. Although, yes he has to do the things like write scripts--there are things he directly helps me with because I am not allowed to just go to the pharmacy and pick out my own antipsychotics. Although, sometimes, I think I'd probably be able to do a pretty good job at it.

I am fortunate to have such a good pdoc. To have somebody who takes the time and invests the energy to give me the absolute best care possible. I am very grateful.

Oh, and no, don't worry, I am safe, I don't need to be hauled off to the psych ward. Matter of fact, I may be having some illogical thoughts, but I still feel pretty good. My mood is positive and believe it or not, even though this is a little scary, I am still having a bit of fun in life. Mania, although it can be devastating, can also make even the worse situations seem kinda fun. Of course, I am not sure if that is entirely good for me. Well, good or bad, it makes my mental health struggles a little more entertaining and somewhat bearable.

My pdoc is the best pdoc in the world!

((DePress))

I'm glad you're not about to be hauled off anywhere!!

People just don't understand and I think they get scared, and that winds up causing us more problems in the long run. I'm so glad Pdoc was able to respond in the way you need.

Take care.

((((DePressMe))))

I don't think what you did was dumb at all, expressing yourself and being interested in your thoughts And calling your pdoc was the right thing to do for you, so good for you for knowing what to do!

I'm glad your pdoc is there for you--he sounds very supportive, validating, grounding.

I hope you can get some really good rest soon

((Depress)) Glad your Pdoc wasthere for you also!!