[emptybucket]

As it stands right now i'm bordering on barely functioning.I'm dark as hell,thinking the darkest.I would never hurt anyone else,love a few people more than anything but that dark part in my mind is really evil and oh so tired.I've had "untreated" depression since my teen years,in my twenties-i would rent hotel rooms to get drunk by myself and try to work up enough nerve to go bye bye for good.No friendships,none,the only ones that existed in the past were shallow "using" friendships to get marijuana,nothing deep or meaningful.I tried the Army,made it through basic,then my whole mood crashed, i chaptered out with my papers saying something about suicidal thoughts and immaturity.I wanted that life so badly,then slip-it's gone.

As of a few months ago i was given the responsibility of partly taking care of a disabled family member.I love this person more than anything in the world,my respect for this person cannot be measured.In the past my depression would only result in hangovers,suicidal thoughts and illegal drug use,in other words i managed it in my own way.I'm too tired now,i don't have time to be depressed but i am,i "rage" at times to where i'm the "jerk of the day" I don't like being mean.I get flustered with people, thinking "can't they just put themselves in my shoes" but i don't think they can and i wouldn't want them to.Nerves are fried.I've started a worrying-type-thing that did not exist in the past.I push on the refrigerator door a dozen or so times to make sure it's closed,when i turn the water hose off,i'm constantly thinking "righty tighty lefty lucy" while constantly squeezing the faucet nob then i pace back and forth to the length of the water hose to make sure there is no water coming out.I have to do this.But yet i don't have time for it But i have to do it I will stair at the nobs on the stove for like ten minutes to make sure everything is off.I can't afford any more mistakes i have too much on my plate even though i really don't get anything done anymore.I'm crashing.Every morning my mind goes through an assessment of my life,eyes open-i lay there,i remember far back-maybe even kindergarten,sum it all up with that feeling of i'm pretty sure i know how this book is going to end so why read the rest?

So in short i'm an evil person who needs guidance.I don't have or make a lot of money,no insurance.Can i just go into like a regular hospital and ask to speak to a doctor ? Get script and throw it on a credit card ? I'm broke,my cards are maxed out,or should i save up and seek out a therapist

[sunrise]

Can i just go into like a regular hospital and ask to speak to a doctor ? Get script and throw it on a credit card ? I'm broke,my cards are maxed out,or should i save up and seek out a therapist

I think a person's family doctor is often a good first starting point. Do you have a regular doctor? It can be easier to go see them as they have an established relationship with you (easier to get appointment, etc.). I wouldn't look at it as going to see someone to get a script and throw it on a credit card. You don't know if you will need a script. The doctor can help make recommendations, which may include therapy, a prescription, a referral, etc. Good luck. You're taking a first step, so bravo!

[DePressMe]

At this point, it sounds like you need some help in anyway you can get it. Here in Ohio we have a service called Netcare. It is for everybody, even if you don't have insurance. Maybe you could look for some type of service like that in your area. I really hope you can get some help with your issues. It sounds like you are in a lot of pain. I will send some good thoughts your way.

[foreverlost]

Jeez, empty, I'm sorry you're feeling so bad! I, too, somehow survived horrible depression from childhood through mid-40s before I sought help. It is never too late to get help and I think you know that's what you need to do. I agree that if you have a GP that is a good place to start. Also, many places have community mental health centers that operate on a sliding-fee basis. Your GP may be able to refer you or check online or the phone book. But, do get help; you deserve it!
Take care.

[Simcha]

Originally Posted by emptybucket

As it stands right now i'm bordering on barely functioning.I'm dark as hell,thinking the darkest.I would never hurt anyone else,love a few people more than anything but that dark part in my mind is really evil and oh so tired.I've had "untreated" depression since my teen years,in my twenties-i would rent hotel rooms to get drunk by myself and try to work up enough nerve to go bye bye for good.No friendships,none,the only ones that existed in the past were shallow "using" friendships to get marijuana,nothing deep or meaningful.I tried the Army,made it through basic,then my whole mood crashed, i chaptered out with my papers saying something about suicidal thoughts and immaturity.I wanted that life so badly,then slip-it's gone.

As of a few months ago i was given the responsibility of partly taking care of a disabled family member.I love this person more than anything in the world,my respect for this person cannot be measured.In the past my depression would only result in hangovers,suicidal thoughts and illegal drug use,in other words i managed it in my own way.I'm too tired now,i don't have time to be depressed but i am,i "rage" at times to where i'm the "jerk of the day" I don't like being mean.I get flustered with people, thinking "can't they just put themselves in my shoes" but i don't think they can and i wouldn't want them to.Nerves are fried.I've started a worrying-type-thing that did not exist in the past.I push on the refrigerator door a dozen or so times to make sure it's closed,when i turn the water hose off,i'm constantly thinking "righty tighty lefty lucy" while constantly squeezing the faucet nob then i pace back and forth to the length of the water hose to make sure there is no water coming out.I have to do this.But yet i don't have time for it But i have to do it I will stair at the nobs on the stove for like ten minutes to make sure everything is off.I can't afford any more mistakes i have too much on my plate even though i really don't get anything done anymore.I'm crashing.Every morning my mind goes through an assessment of my life,eyes open-i lay there,i remember far back-maybe even kindergarten,sum it all up with that feeling of i'm pretty sure i know how this book is going to end so why read the rest?

So in short i'm an evil person who needs guidance.I don't have or make a lot of money,no insurance.Can i just go into like a regular hospital and ask to speak to a doctor ? Get script and throw it on a credit card ? I'm broke,my cards are maxed out,or should i save up and seek out a therapist

((((((emptybucket))))))
You aren't an evil person, although I'm sure that the Army made you feel pretty damn worthless and "not good enough" by tossing you out like you weren't worth the so-called "trouble." The Army and military in general have not much in the way of good healthcare--let alone mental health care, that it is pathetic. I know because I'm a veteran myself. Motrin was actually PRESCRIBED for fooks sake! I lost my hearing in basic (found out due to a bad infection), and when I went to the TMC they prescribed me Motrin and my DS hauled my arse back there and made them do their job. They still do things like that at your regular post downrange after you graduate, FYI. Whatever they labeled you with on your Army papers--do NOT believe it. It's chocked full of bias and ignorance, and not an accurate representation of who you are anyway. Ack.

Okay, first thought is if you are currently drinking or even doing drugs of some sort--- to stop. You can't think straight when your high or drunk. Secondly, I think you should see a Pdoc and/or therapist, but I really think even if you see the Pdoc that you should see a therapist (usually a psychologist) at least weekly. I would probably make an appointment with your GP first, because you can probably get in right away vs. waiting. Then you can probably get something to calm down the depression until you can get into a therapist. Pdocs and T's are in short supply in most places I think. Usually GP's can just bill you, so you have time to pay it later. Someone already mentioned the community mental health centers and the sliding fee process--that's a good way to go too, but it they might be busy as they usually are so call them first, see when they can get you in, and call your GP and make appt with him if it's too far out.

(((((((((((((((((( emptybucket )))))))))))))))))))))))

Wow, you sound COMPLETELY overwhelmed.

Being overwhelmed like that is what did finally send me to therapy - although, like you, I had some lifelong issues that I sure could have used help with sooner.

I hope you will call a T and give yourself the gift of some self-care. I feel concerned about you.

[emptybucket]

Sorry for late reply;
Thanks for all the responses,very cool people here

Yeah i hate to seem so cut and dry with the whole "where can i get a script" attitude,I in no way mean to be condescending to the Psychiatry community.It's just given my finacial situation it seems to be more cost effective.I have no family doctor,the last time i even went to a doctor was in third grade for falling off the monkey bars,seriously-and no i didn't hit my head.I do live in Ohio,so i will be looking into Netcare,thanks for the heads up DePressMe.Thanks for all your responses i'm going to lurk around these forums for a bit,great resource.Thank you all again.

[ECHOES]

I am a former Ohioan
In most counties I am familiar with there (northeast Ohio) there are Community Mental Health services that offer the opportunity to see both a therapist and a psychiatrist on a sliding scale that begins at $0.00.
See if there is a listing in your phone book.

Also, you might want to contact your local hospital to see if they have someone who works with the patients and community to provide community resources, often called a patient liason or something similar. They are very connected to services available.

If you live near a university, call them and see if they offer therapy services. Many universities offer psych services at a very reduced rate (where I live it is $5 to $10 per session).

If you live near a large metropolitan area, you might check here to see if there is a training institute that offers very inexpensive (like the universities) psych services there or through therapists in the community: http://www.div39outreach.org/search%...nstitutes.html This is how I found my therapist.

And if you do get a script, you can ask the prescriber to prescribe one of the medications that WalMart, KMart, etc offer at a low cost. WalMart, for example, offers generic Prozac for $4.00.

I hope this helps and good luck to you!