S Days to go!

Mouse_ · Sep 06, 2008, 04:08 AM

OH god its been so long...I can't believe Monday I will walk into that familiar room again...I will look around at the bookshelves and check the box of tissues and look into the waste basket and then perhaps peep at T to see if she's had her hair cut or if its at its half way stage that I sometimes notice...and I will sit and say, I need time to gage what I am feeling...I of course will want to hide any anger I will feel because that hurts...I hate anger...it seems to spoil it all...it kills off the good feelings I know that will be there too...unyet I think I have to make T pay! she must pay for being able to just leave me...how can she just do that? Oh don't be silly of course she can just do that because you mean nothing to her...you stupid girl you really believed you were/are anything more then someone that just sits on that sofa? Don't you think T's had a great time with her family during the summer, you just don't fit into that....now shes back and proberbly thinks, oh here we go, more sorry, sad arse whingy people to sit and listen too...and I've got to try and hide all those thoughts and feelings from myself or else I won't even be able to get the scraps that she throws my way...like a humble dog that just follows its owner around "regardless" and happy for anything thrown its way..;.Ii've got to hide that knowledge...but why oh why am I so desperate to see her again if I believe those things? coz I'm the lowest of the lowest and even false sympathy is better then nowt? is that true? well I'm not sure, I'm just not sure, I just know I want to run from the overwhelming tension of it all...

Mouse_ · Sep 06, 2008, 04:33 AM

darkrunner · Sep 06, 2008, 08:15 AM

(((((((((((((((((((mouse))))))))))))))))))))))))))
I hear all your strong strong feelings. It is hard and complicated to know that, while T's care about us, they are doing their jobs ...........as much as we want to be........ we are not like family.......if we stop paying them they wouldn't even be able to see us.

But, to look on the positive side, it really is their objectivity and professionalism that allows them to help us...... and allows us to be able to trust them completely. They do really care about us and want to help us to heal, and if they were as close to us as our family or friends they would not be able to do so. It is their position of T that allows the relationship to be entirely about us, a one-way relationship, so we can be selfish and not have to consider their needs....but just do, say and feel what we need to help ourselves.

It sucks....the tension you describe. It is really really hard.
hang in there...you are strong and smart and it will be OK.

ktgirl

missboots · Sep 06, 2008, 08:15 AM

Mouse OH My god you sound like I feel! Except I never show that to T. I would think she would think I'm a hopless case. I at times think that unless I am with T my life is meaningless like what I do by myself or with my family doesn't count or have value it is only when I am with my so call important authority figure does my life matter. I never want my kids to feel this way! They are 18 months and 4yrs and I am learning from T how to parent my kids. (Her experties is children) I feel so lucky to have such a great Teacher. I love the phrase you once used( I angin turned up like a faithful dog) I so feel that way! Warm wishes for Monday I will be thinking of You!

Mouse_ · Sep 06, 2008, 08:37 AM

Ktgirl, Yes you are right in that they need to be objective so as to be off the greatest value to us. I think I need that to be drilled into me, as it seems its a habit I have of falling into that all or nothing thinking, but your right I know.

Missboots, Yes I have and still do feel sometimes like my family are in the way of my being with T, I guess the break has one positive in as much as I seem to come back down to earth where my family are concerned and my concentration is focused on them once again.

You know yesterday was a baddddddddd day where my parenting skills were concerned. My son is excited before his big trip tomorrow and came in from work and one thing led to another and I ended up having a go at him about something he said. He ended up going up his loft ladder mumbling under his breath and I felt just as bad sat downstairs in my armchair berating myself for having let what he said get to me.

Then my other daughter was throwing a fit because she was critised at sch by her science teacher and critism isn't taken well by a homonal 15yr old and her twin sister came home telling me her friends say she could be a model, and I thought **** if her head gets any bigger, and I was slipping up all over the place, went upstairs to bed, journalled and realised that I can't go back and start the day AGAIN, but I remembered what T has told me so many times, its not so much the breaking of the connection, its if you can pick it back up again, so this morning I acted as if nothing had gone on yesterday with each of my children and just started the day afresh and my love afresh for them again. This is where I realised I lack skilss because growing up the connection that was severed many times at home was never repaired and even a fresh day the previous days arguments/fallouts were brought back up. I had no experience of knowing that its ok to make mistakes if you don't leave the relationships severed. I think T for this, its this she trys to get me to see when things go "wrong" between me and her in session. I'm so used having to pay for my "sins" over and over again that I feared my messing up yesterday would be the death of my love for my children, that would be no way back. This really does feel new to me, to make a mistake and then to accept that but to not let that effect my relationships..another learning curve on this journey called "life"

missboots · Sep 06, 2008, 04:55 PM

I know how you feel when you mess up with your kids or in a relationship with a friend, hubby. I feel I am a horrible Mom, friend, wife etc.. I beat myself up and not let it go. Instead of saying yah I screwed up and tomorrow is new or a fresh start I say well I might as well throw in the towel because I am no good etc.. I to am learning to let go of my mistakes and learn from them. It is harder to do than I realize.