[splitimage]

I had an interesting discussion with my T today, she asked me to tell her what I'd like to say about my mental health history in an upcoming talk I'm giving at AA. (I'm struggling with how much to disclose). I'll spare you all the details, but basically I said that I wanted to say that part of my recovery included inpatient treatment for depression. She then asked me if that's really how I saw myself, as suffering from Major Depression and alcohol dependence rather than complex post traumatic stress disorder (CPTSD). I've been Dx'd with CPTSD by both her and my pdoc, both of whom are truama specialists and I realize that my symptoms fit the criteria for CPTSD almost perfectly. But I've never really identified with that diagnosis and now I'm wondering why. I think it's partly minimization, that I keep telling myself that my childhood wasn't that bad - maybe because I still don't want to deal with all the truamatic memories that I haven't dealt with yet. Or maybe it's just that depression is a more easily understood and explainable label, than having to talk about dissociation, self injury and fractured ego states. I guess too I've struggled with depressive episodes all my life and so I identify that as a primary illness as opposed to being a symptom of something more complicated and just dismissed the other trauma systems as weird unpleasant **** that I just had to deal with.

Generally I'm not hung up on Dx labels, as they aren't that relevant to me, as long as the treatment I'm getting is working, which it is. It somehow seems more relevant now for two reasons. One - I have this upcoming AA talk to give and two, I've applied to volunteer on a psych hospital's crisis lines, and I know they'll want to discuss my mental health history as part of the interview process. So I guess labels are assuming more importance in my mind and I can't quite figure out why one feels so uncomfortable.

--splitimage

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I hate diagnoses.

But!

For your AA talk, do you really have to reveal a diagnosis? Can you just tell your story - that you needed more than to just "quit drinking", you needed help dealing with mental illness? At the AA meeting I went to on Friday, much to my surprise quite a few people revealed stays in a psych hospital (not a rehab) early in their sobriety. No one revealed their diagnosis, but it was good for me to hear that part of their story, because it helped me with where I'm at right now.

Maybe this is something you need to look at more with T....why are you so resistant to the CPTSD label? I was just thinking this morning how resistant I am to any diagnosis (and CPTSD is my diagnosis as well). I think for me, it makes me feel "more sick". I like to think of myself as someone who just got a little too stressed out and who needs a therapist to just sort things out a bit (which is why I imagine most people go to therapy). To have this diagnosis, and actually be "sick" is scary to me. It makes me afraid I'll never be "better".

((((((((((((((((( splitimage )))))))))))))))) Regardless of your "label", you are a wonderful, intelligent, kind, and courageous person!