Ugh. Went for an extra appointment with T today, because I could feel myself going back to the bad place in my head, and I thought that maybe, maybe, maybe if I could see him, it would help.

It was such a stupid appointment. We couldn't talk about ANYTHING, because no matter WHAT was said by either of us, my heart would start pounding and the room would start spinning and we would both have to sit there while I breathed and got present again. Then we would try to talk again and it would happen again. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

He came and sat with me and held my hands, and it just felt like....I don't know. I guess it was grounding in a way, because eventually the spinning and heart stuff stopped (although it still happened a few more times once he came over to the couch). But I didn't feel a connection with him at all. I asked him if HE felt connected, and he said yes. But me? Nope.

I don't know what is going on. There is a LOT going on in my life, with my H, and my family, and there is a lot that has come up in therapy, big stuff that we haven't discussed before, and everything just feels like a LOT. It's overwhelming, and I get panicky and overwhelmed and start turning to my huge bag of Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms. On one level, I know T is there for me, I know he cares about me, etc. I mean, I guess intellectually, I know that.

But here I am. I love him. Not romantically, or anything. Just...love. And that makes me just want to put up a wall. I thought I wanted him to love me, but I don't. I just want to be alone, like I have always been.

I feel totally shut down. I left a message for T and told him a lot of what I said in this message. I asked him to call back. He hasn't. I don't care.

Why, why, why, why, why do I want to push away the caring? Why can't I just open up and accept it?

I just want to open my front door and start running and run forever.

I'm not even going to reread this. Just hitting send, and apologizing in advance for what a big whiner I am.

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((( earthmama )))))))))))))))

[gimmeice]

((((((((((( earthmama ))))))))))) I am sorry that you are having such a hard time right now I hope that everything will get better for you soon.

(((((Earthmama)))))),

I feel totally shut down. I left a message for T and told him a lot of what I said in this message. I asked him to call back. He hasn't. I don't care.

I'm so sorry you are in so much pain. I understand feeling shut down, or numb. I do wish he would call you - I think that would make you feel better. In the meantime, we're here for you. If you're alone, you have to be alone while being in the company of us PCers. So, we're all alone, together.

I'm not even going to reread this. Just hitting send, and apologizing in advance for what a big whiner I am.

I don't think you are whining. You are expressing how much pain you are in, which is a good thing! I know it's painful not to feel connected with your T. I know you WILL make it through this rough patch. I'm here, as always, if you need me EM!

[MissCharlotte]

((((((earthmama)))))

I hope you can stop hitting your head against the wall because it looks like it hurts a lot and I care about you!

Maybe you need to slow down your trauma work a little bit. I know that when I was moving too fast I had a lot of similar sessions where I would dissociate with pounding heart one session after the next. Finally, finally, finally we began to have more sessions where I was grounded than not. Clearly, I still have difficult sessions as you well know.

Why, why, why, why, why do I want to push away the caring?

I think it is because we internalized the unhealthy, harmful, hurtful self soothing techniques when we were very very young. There was no healthy reflection for us to model. I do believe that we literallly must re-teach ourselves how to be soothed in a way that is not harmful. earthmama, I am here if you need to chat. Take care of you.

[internettie]

((((((((((earthmama)))))))))))

I've had times when I just couldn't connect with T. It's very frustrating. I don't think you're whining, just expressing how you feel. I hope you feel better soon.

[krazibean]

I'm glad you were able to express to T how you feel. That should be very helpful in processing what happened. If you can though, take a look at what your wrote about how your T responded to you. He seemed very caring and connected. He came over and held your hand! Your T did that for YOU! He was so there. You just need to figure out where you were. What was it that you needed that he didn't give? I hope you get through this (((hugs)))

Originally Posted by krazibean

If you can though, take a look at what your wrote about how your T responded to you. He seemed very caring and connected. He came over and held your hand! Your T did that for YOU! He was so there.

Yes, he was there. He was. He did everything right.

It's ME. I just want to put up a big wall and push him away. I really don't know why.

[krazibean]

maybe he disappointed you in some way? Its something to think about. Don't leave T out though. Maybe he can help you figure it out, but in the end remember you have the answer.

[Sannah]

Hi EM, I have experience with having one of those so called walls. When it comes to close friends I am just at the end of tearing it down completely. These walls or personal boundaries were placed there by us for personal protection. We were never taught how to have healthy boundaries, boundaries which are flexible. They go up when we need to protect ourselves from harmful people but then they can come back down when we decide that we want to get close to someone. I also think of them as going back and forth too. They are thick with harmful folks and get thin when we want someone to get close.

What also goes with these are knowing that we can protect ourselves (which was a big discovery for me 20 years ago) and then to know how to do it gracefully (you start out not being too graceful! It's a learning process you know!).

When I worked on my boundaries a big issue with me was self-worth. When you don't think that you are too valuable you certainly don't want anyone to get too close so that they can see how valueless you are! Of course here you need to work on increasing your self-worth.

The other issue is when you have been hurt and you didn't know how to protect yourself. This is where learning the social skills comes in.

I just remembered that another aspect of this is knowing what your needs are at all times. This is a big thing to learn because when you aren't taken care of adequately as a child, your needs were unrecognized, you never learned to recognize your needs. This certainly can be learned. Tuning into yourself at all times and paying attention to yourself is how you learn what you need. I guess this might be difficult if a person has had a lot of overwhelming feelings that they have been trying to get away from their whole life! I guess a person would need to get through this stack before they would feel real comfortable tuning into their feelings and needs all the time.

Originally Posted by Sannah

When I worked on my boundaries a big issue with me was self-worth. When you don't think that you are too valuable you certainly don't want anyone to get too close so that they can see how valueless you are! Of course here you need to work on increasing your self-worth.

.

I think this is a big part of it right now. On Monday, I brought in a picture of myself at age seven. He asked me how I felt when I looked at it. And I am so ashamed to say that I looked at that little girl in the picture and felt that she was disgusting, ugly, bad, and deserved everything that happened to her and more.

And then I put up the wall. When I saw that picture it triggered all of these thoughts of "maybe I AM bad, and it was so obvious just from looking at me, that of COURSE my abusers abused me. I got what I deserved". I told T I thought that. And now I am scared that T can see through to the "real" me, the bad me.

Ugh. I think I'll go take 1/2 of a xanax.

[Sannah]

EM, I would suggest you learn how to love that little girl. She certainly deserves it! Right now you are taking the perspective of your abusers?

[Mouse_]

Originally Posted by earthmama

Yes, he was there. He was. He did everything right.

It's ME. I just want to put up a big wall and push him away. I really don't know why.

Yes I feel like this too at times!

[MINIME]

I just want to open my front door and start running and run forever

wow I know that feeling. Just run and run and run and run and not think not feel not cry just maybe angry tears. Im so sorry that you feel like this. I can tell you that it will pass. It hurts like heck but it isnt forever I promise. Here take a holdof my promise star and hold it in you hand and you will feel the strength of it. OK? *