[MissCharlotte]

As I replayed this week's session in my head I became more and more worried about something T said so I called T after session and asked him to call me if he had a chance. We have been talking about my "support" system as he has been encouraging me to develop a larger support group of friends. T said, "You can't just have DH and SIL as your only supports." I said, "And you!" And he said, yes but sometimes I am not there. (He was referring to the ruptures we have had.)

It was an okay session otherwise, and for the most part I felt connected to him. However, at one point in the session we traded digs about who was more difficult.

So, of course--because one of my core wounds is abandonment--after session I coupled the two comments together and decided T was pushing me out and encouraging me to be less dependent on him. I decided he didn't want me to be so attached and that inner voice was saying "I knew it, I told you so," etc.

He didn't call back on Thurday or Friday. By Friday afternoon I was absolutely convinced I was right. When I got home I called him again and told what I had noticed in session (on his machine). I didn't hear from him last night. I was so down.

This morning I got up and walked the dog around the block. While walking I kept telling myself, "You are in a trauma place. T is just busy." But I could feel the tears just lurking behind my eyes and I felt really lousy.

Finally, he called. He apologized and said he had erased my first message by accident. I was beyond relieved to hear from him.

We spoke and I explained how I was able to tell myself he was busy but it still hurt like hell and he said that I was holding both viewpoints and feelings simultaneously. He said although I knew he was probably just busy I was still looking for my mother. I told him how much I hurt and he said, "Doesn't it hurt a teeny bit less this time?"

When he said that I all of a sudden realized that I was able to avoid cutting during this episode. I also signed up for a weekly pottery class. T was so proud of me.

I am beyond exhausted. Therapy is exhausting. Grief is exhausting. Integrating is exhausting. This morning I wanted to quit but now I know I'm going to keep plodding along.

P.S. At the end of the call I said, "So, you're part of my support team, right? And he said yes. And then I said, "And attachment is good, right?" And he said yes."

Sigh. This is so hard. I know it's an understatement, but it's what I feel now. Yikes.

[gimmeice]

(((((((((((((((( misscharlotte ))))))))))))))) I am glad that your T did call you back.

I'm glad he called back, Miss C - the wait must have been excruciating.

AND I'm glad he gave you what you needed in the call!!

T has learned not to say things like "....and in the future you can get this need met by someone else" or anything along those lines. We just need to do now what we are doing NOW, and the rest will work out. Slowly but surely.

Your pottery class sounds really fun, by the way