[sunrise]

My 14 year old daughter has been in therapy for a year and a half. She went because her father and I were worried she might be depressed and we wanted her to have extra support as the family went through a divorce.

Her therapist is her individual therapist and does not talk to me or my daughter's father. She has not wanted our input, viewpoint, etc. and just wanted to work with my daughter and offer her the safety of complete confidentiality, no conversations with parents, etc. We've given them a lot of space to do therapy.

Now my daughter would like to decrease her sessions from every week to every other week. Her therapist is being very resistant about this. She said she disagrees and wants my daughter to continue every week. My daughter finds it hard to stand up to her and make her voice heard about what she wants. The therapist says they need to meet every week for the sake of their relationship.

The therapist wants to talk to me about this in our own session, even though in the past she has refused to talk to me. I feel confused about this "about face" and worry she is trying to get me to take sides with her and stand against my daughter on this. I don't want to force my daughter to go to therapy every week if she doesn't want to. Yes, she's an introvert and does have trouble making friends. But she is not depressed. She is not harming herself. She is doing well at her new school (for her), has joined a sports team, and has adjusted well to our shared custody arrangement. She said she doesn't want to stop therapy but just go less frequently.
I also think this T may be threatened because daughter and I have been going to see a family therapist (just a few times) for help with our family issues. This was something my daughter's T told us she could not help us with as she wasn't a family T, and she recommended we see someone else. So we did, but now my daughter's T is acting all weird.

My daughter has been making a lot of negative comments about her T recently. I think she's angry because her T is being so resistant to decreasing sessions and doesn't seem to be hearing her. My daughter doesn't want to have a close relationship with this T. You can make someone go to therapy weekly, but can you make them form a strong bond with someone? Maybe it was a mistake for daughter to do therapy. Or therapy with this particular T. But how could I know it wasn't helping when my daughter doesn't tell me about her private life and the T would not talk to me about any concerns?

This is just way too complicated for me. Why does decreasing sessions have to be so hard? As a therapist, wouldn't my daughter's T be used to that?

[ECHOES]

((( sunny )))

I'm wondering if the therapist is seeing the desire to decrease sessions as a resistance and that there might be something really important they are working on at the moment that could be impacted if the relationship is disrupted (or possibly manipulated).

Sometimes relief of symptoms is the beginning of the work. When symptoms are relieved, the person can be in a position to take in more readily and to grow even more.

My T has not wanted me to miss sessions when I went weekly. I now go twice a week. Even when I was in financial distress she wanted me to come anyway; it's important to the relationship she said. It was important, in many ways. It was a kind of 'holding', in that I didn't have to lose her even temporarily while I was going through my temporary financial problem. And her desire to keep seeing me regularly regardless of my ability to be current with my payments meant I was worthwhile and deserving. That she didn't abandon me when I wanted her to (by attempting to cancel sessions due to current lack of funds), my trust increased and I felt cared for.

It's hard to just trust the therapist when it's your child. There's a protectiveness that's there and a desire to give our children what they want. Complicated. Like therapy and trust can be sometimes, too.

[e_sort]

You sound like a very levelheaded person to me who wants the best for her child, and I would trust your judgment. I think it is important to support your daughter's choices, especially about her own therapy. If she's not in trouble and she wants to decrease her sessions -- which is not extreme, like saying she never wants to see the therapist again -- it should be up to her. I guess it might be worth talking to the therapist to see why its so important not to quit.

I admit though I am biased because I was forced to go to therapy with a therapist I hated, when I was 15 or so. It was worse than useless. My parents wouldn't let me stop, which was just another in a long series of ways they would not trust me or my judgment. When I was 21 I moved across the country, and we have a good, but across-the-country relationship

Sorry, I don't mean to be all scary, and I realize teenagers are not trustworthy in all things. But I do believe that the more you act like kids are worthy of trust, especially in their own emotions, the more trustworthy they come to be. This is not like refusing medical treatment or something. If she wants to resume the weekly visits, she can.

[Christina86]

Hey ((((((((((((sunrise))))))))))))))

You are such a caring parent!

I'd say if your daughter wants to go to therapy every other week, you tell the T that "this is what we're trying right now" ... and if your daughter wants to go back to weekly appts, then so be it! Nothing is set in stone with therapy. Also, not everyone chooses to be in therapy of a more long-term basis, if she wants to quit now - and if you think she's doing well, then I'd probably let her. Have you talked to her (your daughter) about why she wants to go to one session every two weeks? Does she just not like this T or?

If the T is having issues, too bad! It's your daughters therapy, not the Ts.

[splitimage]

I think Christina's right - talk to your daughter about why she only wants to go every other week, and if it seems like a well thought out reason, then support her. You could also ask your daughter's permission to talk to T about why T think's weekly sessions are important and then talk to your daughter about that.

I think however the emphasis should be on supporting what your daughter wants. If, as you've said, she's doing ok, she may simply feel that weekly therapy is too much with everything else that she has going on in her life.

Good luck.

--splitimage

[pachyderm]

I think confusion is a sort of dissociation. Dissociation in order to avoid fear of a conflict situation which is seen as intolerable. Worth thinking about?

[Sannah]

Sunrise, so your daughter doesn't want you to talk to the T?

[sunrise]

Thanks, everyone, for the comments.

Originally Posted by ECHOES

I'm wondering if the therapist is seeing the desire to decrease sessions as a resistance and that there might be something really important they are working on at the moment that could be impacted if the relationship is disrupted (or possibly manipulated).

If there is, she should let my daughter (or me) know about it. Otherwise, it's just guesswork on our part, and we wonder why she is so against this change? My daughter has not gotten much information from her. Maybe she will be more forthcoming with me when I meet with her next week.

Originally Posted by e_sort

If she wants to resume the weekly visits, she can.

That's a good point. If they start meeting every other week and it doesn't go well, they can always go back to weekly. Maybe that would help convince my daughter that her T's thinking had merit. Thanks e_sort for providing the view of someone who has "been there, done that."

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by Christina

Have you talked to her (your daughter) about why she wants to go to one session every two weeks?

Yes, she said she didn't feel she needed it and that it seemed like if she went every week, they didn't have enough to talk about. She said she has dealt with some important issues (in therapy) like the divorce, her older sister moving away, etc., and she doesn't feel she has to keep talking about them. She also said what you brought up, splitimage, that she is very busy right now and this is one more "activity" for her to do. She also said her T told her she needed to tell me her problems, so that I would understand her need to go to weekly therapy. I told my daughter I was very open to hearing anything she wanted to tell me and she could trust me not to share what she told me with anyone. But she got very frustrated and said she didn't have any problems (beyond divorce adjustment, etc.) and there was nothing to tell me and she didn't know what her T was talking about. This part of the interchange worried me. (It made me wonder if her T has made some sort of diagnosis that she doesn't want to share with us.)

if she wants to quit now

She said she didn't want to quit, just go less frequently.

Does she just not like this T or?

I'm starting to think this may be true.

It's your daughters therapy, not the Ts.

I guess that's the bottom line.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by pachyderm

I think confusion is a sort of dissociation.

I just try to muddle on through as best I can.

Originally Posted by Sannah

Sunrise, so your daughter doesn't want you to talk to the T?

No, she does want me to talk to her. At first we suggested talking to the T together, but the T wouldn't allow this. So I have a separate appointment next week. My daughter is hoping I can learn more about why her T wants her to go every week, and can communicate better to the T that she doesn't want to go every week. I think she sees me as her advocate. I wish we could have this conversation all 3 of us together. I don't want to say anything that my daughter could construe as "betraying" her. The T has also told me that our conversation will not be confidential and she can share anything she wants from it with my daughter. So I'll have to be very careful about what I say.

What I hope for from our meeting next week is more information, clarification, and greater understanding. I'll be dissatisfied if the T can't explain what's going on.

[chaotic13]

Sunrise,
Sounds like you are in a difficult situation. When I read it I tried to image how would respond if it was one of my kids. For me....with my issues...I know I would be struggling a lot with this situation because...well, the T seems to be the one in control... not me or my son. Why is it that the T is the only one who can determine what is confidential and what isn't? Shouldn't this T be more interested in helping your daughter build a strong, open, and healthy relationship with YOU more so than with her. I think if your daughter has a problem that should be communicated/shared with you ... her T should be working on having your daughter bring you into the loop.

I also couldn't help thinking...if it were my own therapy and I wanted to try backing off a little bit...what would be the real harm in that? If she doesn't seem to be in crisis, is really busy with school and activities...why not back off a bit? Give her some extra time adjusting to life...instead of sitting in therapy talking about adjusting to life. She can always go back if things start to spiral out of control and she finds that she is not ready to be more independent.

My daughter finds it hard to stand up to her and make her voice heard about what she wants.

I understand that the therapeutic relationship between a teen and a T is likely different than an adult relationship, but this would concern me a bit.... Maybe your daughter is at a point in the relationship where she is becoming comfortable enough to try standing up for herself and is wanting to do therapy on her own terms. Maybe this is a good sign.

Of course i can also see you concern as a parent that maybe she is not giving you the whole story about what is going between her and her T. I guess the only way you can find out... is to meet with her T and find out a bit more about what is going on.

I think you are doing the best thing you can do in this situation. You are being open and honest with both the T and your daughter. Can you tell your daughter that you will not make any decision about the changing her therapy schedule until you have heard her T's perspective and then talked her again? Maybe reassure her that after your meeting with her T that the two of you will sit down and figure out what to do together. I think if you keep communicating and hearing your daughter's concerns, you will be able get her to accept whatever decision you make on her behalf.

I think T's are great and have wonderful insights....but you are her mom. After hearing both sides you will make the decision that is in your daughters best interest. As her mom you are going to be there to help her deal with the end result.