I have T today.

After my last appointment - this was the one after all of the hospital stuff - I sent him an e-mail that said in the hugest font I could create on my computer "I DON'T NEED YOU". Ah! T sent me an e-mail back that said "I'm still here".

We have left each other a couple of phone messages since then. T talks in "we" right now - like "We need to keep moving forward", "We're not sure what to do right now", "Our feelings have been really close to the surface lately". I guess he's trying to make me see "we" are in this together. And "we" will figure it out.

The thing is, of course, that I DO need him. I just don't WANT to need him.

This has been a VERY SURREAL week. I didn't think I would be here for it - the best case scenario I could have imagined was me in the hospital. But I'm moving through it, and doing all of the things on my calendar that I thought I would miss....hair highlighted on Tuesday, concert last night (which was awesome), T today.

I want to go to T and just rest today. I know some people here don't consider that "therapy", but I think I can't work, work, work, work all the time. Sometimes I need to just go and "Be". T wants me to work on just "being" in my real life (outside of therapy). Maybe he will let me practice in there.

This evening, I am going to a Family T. Just me by myself. I need some guidance on how to create some calm for myself in my chaotic land of boys. EVERYTHING I DO when it comes to parenting is basically my best guess, since I wasn't raised in any sort of way that I would want to emulate. I talked to her on the phone - I hope she can help me.

SO! There's me. Two therapy appointments today. Yikes.

[Mouse_]

EM! I am pleased you have proved to yourself that you perhaps didn't need hospital....and yes sometimes we do need to just go to therapy and be able to take in all the gentleness and caring that is on offer, as my T once said, just the "coming" is part of the therapy...which concert did you go too?

[splitimage]

I hope both T appointments go well. And there's nothing wrong with needing an appointment where you don't do any hard work.

[cantstopcrying]

Wow!! You are so strong!! How proud you should be!!

[Kiya]

((((((((((((Earthmama)))))))))))))))
yay for you for being here in the week and being able to do all the things on the calender.
I feel like i am "with you" today in the T category.... but one week behind you on the hospital talk (which will be happening tonight.... *digging for courage*). I also have several appointments today and just knowing I am not the only one out here facing all this makes this day a little ... not easier... but doable? I have body work then case worker, and then tonight t. I'll be thinking about you.

(((((((((((((((((((((((( kiya ))))))))))))))))))))))))))

What a day you have! I'll hold you in my and maybe we can both come back later and say how it went.

One appointment down, one to go.

T was just what I needed today. He sat with me, which grounds the adult me and kind of keeps me there and able to talk. We talked a lot about the past week, and about our feelings. He told me that even though he is my therapist, his feelings DO come into play, he does get concerned, he loves me, and he has to use his own supports to be able to be the steady, constant, reliable support that I need. In a way, it made me feel good that he could be so honest. In another way, I felt bad because I've obviously caused him some stress lately. But in session, I felt like we were both able to be honest, and he reminded me (like he always, always does) that we will work out whatever comes up between us. He did say he is "attached" to our relationship, which felt good, to know that the attachment goes both ways. And I asked him to please trust me, like I trust him - to trust that I WILL grow and change and I WILL become less dependent and that the process will work like it's supposed to - just like he's always telling me. We have to trust EACH OTHER. That was kind of an a-ha moment for us, I think.

As for my next appointment, he knows the Family T I am going to, and he said she's very good, but that I should trust my own experience. Not sure what that means, exactly, but I will remember his words when I am with her tonight.

So, onward to appointment number 2.....

[cantstopcrying]

What a nice session that sounds like! You are so lucky to have such a wonderful persn.

[foreverlost]

So glad to hear your're working this out, EM! Your T sounds wonderful.

[Sannah]

Okay! Went to therapist number 2.

I really liked her, which was interesting to me because I NEVER thought I could work with a woman therapist, AND because I am so attached to my own T. I really felt like she was hearing and understanding me.

At one point she looked at me very seriously and said "I'm worried about you" - which was kind of disconcerting because I was sitting there trying to be really okay. I was just being honest about the state of affairs in my family right now - she doesn't know ANYTHING about my trauma history, SI, etc. etc.

She gave me some ideas but I think she could see me becoming more and more overwhelmed (although I was trying to be okay)...I think it was that body language reading thing they do. Darn it!

She seemed to get right down to the root of things really quickly. And the end result was I need more "space" and "structure". I AM completely overwhelmed, it's true. Space and structure seem like they will be impossible to come by. When she saw I was overwhelmed, she started talking about baby steps.

SO. She teaches a chi-gong/meditation class on Sunday evenings - I think I may try to go to that.

I guess I'm still really overwhelmed - maybe even a little more so after going and facing what my life really looks like right now -and I don't feel like I told her the half of it.

Sigh. I'm sad. I want so badly to do a good job, and be a good mom, and I kind of feel right now like the cards are just so stacked against me.

I guess I will breathe and try to take baby steps like she said.

Overwhelmed AGAIN. And T is out of town, completely unavailable to the point where there is another T on call, until Monday.

Breathing. Breathing.

I'm here for you if you need me. We all have to stick together through these tough times. You are so amazing, look at all you've done!

I can imagine that you are overwhelmed, that goes without saying! Raising three kids, one with a disability, is a difficult job! That along with the other things your are dealing with, you're really doing exceptionally well, EM!

I'm so glad that you are going to see a Family T. I hope she is able to help you! I also saw a female T (the consultant) and absolutely loved her! I was so surprised. Strange, isn't it?

You've been climbing uphill for quite a bit now, it's time for you to drift downhill and relax. That's what I'm hoping to do!

LOVE YOU LOTS I'm glad you are doing well!

[darkrunner]

Way to go Earthmama!

I agree with Soliaree, you ARE amazing!

Please please please don't be sad!!!! You are doing so much for your family, by working so hard on your own stuff and trying to help them at the same time. There are lots of people who might use such problems as an excuse to slack off. (IDK, maybe I'm one of them.) But not you, you keep forging ahead!!!!
You should be PROUD of yourself.

[SpottedOwl]

Originally Posted by earthmama

SO. She teaches a chi-gong/meditation class on Sunday evenings - I think I may try to go to that.

Have you ever tried meditation before?
If you haven't, I would definitely check out the class. Especially with trauma work, I have found it so very helpful to get more in touch with my body and learn some breathing techniques to center myself.

Sigh. I'm sad. I want so badly to do a good job, and be a good mom, and I kind of feel right now like the cards are just so stacked against me.

Reality check -- You ARE doing a good job!
Not just a good job, I'd say you're doing an amazing job.

You have not given up on yourself. You knew what you needed, and have worked with your doctors through a very difficult time. You still find energy to take care of your kids and take them to see waterfalls....

I really think you should give yourself a heck of a lot of credit.

Overwhelmed AGAIN. And T is out of town, completely unavailable to the point where there is another T on call, until Monday.

Breathing. Breathing.

I'd give you an assignment if I were your T -- to write up a list of all the amazing things you do every day, and beautiful qualities you have.

I know it is not my place to do such a thing, it just hurts to see how tough you are on yourself.

Give yourself a big gigantic HUG. Imagine you are hugging one of your own kids, and how much love you have for them. Give that level of love to yourself, because you most definitely deserve it!

Many warm thoughts for you!
And, many

Meditation is part of what led me to therapy. I had been meditating for a year or so, and things started coming up during meditation - feelings, body memories, images. I finally had to stop meditating and start therapy.

I'm a little scared to go back there, but this T said she can help me be safe.

Thanks everyone for your kind words. Everyone here is way, way, way, way too nice to me, but I do appreciate it.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by earthmama

He told me that even though he is my therapist, his feelings DO come into play, he does get concerned, he loves me, and he has to use his own supports to be able to be the steady, constant, reliable support that I need.... He did say he is "attached" to our relationship, which felt good, to know that the attachment goes both ways. And I asked him to please trust me, like I trust him

I really like how he acknowledges the reciprocality in your relationship.

I felt bad because I've obviously caused him some stress lately.

I know it's natural to feel that way about someone you are close to, but remember, he does have training in how to handle the stress, and he can take care of himself. My T has said to me before, "don't worry, I can take care of myself" on more than one occasion. Still I think it is nice to let them know we worry and care about them too.

earthmama, I'm so glad the session with the family therapist went well. It must feel good to have the extra support. I also see a family therapist occasionally with my daughter, in addition to my regular T, who is himself a family therapist. Plus, I see a PNP, who has charged me for therapy a couple of times--I find I talk to her about different things than with my T. And I got so much out of the few sessions I had with the child specialist who worked with me and my kids and their father due to the divorce. They are all different and bring their own strengths and expertise to the mix. At first I felt a little disloyal to my T, but got over it. They are each unique, and I don't try to replicate my relationship with T with any of them. I am glad your family therapist seems so perceptive and has some ideas on how to help.

I want so badly to do a good job, and be a good mom, and I kind of feel right now like the cards are just so stacked against me.

You are being a good mom by trying so hard. You haven't given up and are seeking help when you need it. That is an accomplishment!

[Sannah]

EM, I wonder if you are where you are at now because previously you went about your day with everything all shoved down, your past, your feelings and your needs. Now you are letting your past and feelings out but with this is coming your needs and this is what is overwhelming you now?