[Kiya]

Well... tonight started unhinging the walls. I still don't really know what *the* trigger was - or maybe it was just simply a culmination of 2 apnts followed by 2 groups, and knowing i have an apnt tomorrow morning that i am nervous about. But around half way through group I started having a hard time breathing. Breaths had already been shakey (like the kind after you've been sobbing and they come in all rattly) but they were getting more and more frequent - eventually i wasn't getting enough even though I was breathing deeply; panic attack. i kept thinking "I can hold on til break, just til break, i can do it, just til break" and it was a long 10 minutes or so in coming. I closed my eyes, did breathing 1-5 in 1-5 out, was holding the pressure point i know... TOO long til break. But finally break came, and the T (who was sitting right next to me) made a point of casually checking in and watching my every move and i conveyed to her I was having a panic attack and couldn't breathe (was also close to falling over for some stupid reason *sigh*). I was standing up trying to get outta there, but she had me sit and started coaching. When I thought I could get out, I walked out side and broke down crying, then sat folded into a lil ball by the balcony wall and cried and cried.
Totally blindsighted by this.
One of my friends in group checked in, and when it was time to go in, i couldn't. Either T had an eye on me or the others informed her the state I was in and she joined me out side. She had us go sit in the hall for 30 min i guess and talk. I did manage to get back to group, but only for the last 10 min or so. At check in I was still pretty durn shakey and close to hyperventlating. T nicely gathered up all the handouts for me and checked in to make sure I could drive. I feel fortunate to be working with such a good and supportive group and T. ...and also a lil scared about those walls coming down... seeing what is behind them - even tho i already know. I don't want to look. But I have to look. *sigh*. In the hall, we just sat on the floor and she sat at my knee, facing me. It was strange to have someone be that close and attentive... good, i guess too. but I am not used to it and no one has ever supported me like that through a panic attack. I also haven't had one this bad in ages (i have enjoyed the reprieve). Back in the group, I REALLY wanted to sit on the floor - perferrably under the tables pushed up against the wall. Being back in the Conference Room Chairs was bringing back a lot of panic.
As soon as i got to my car, i broke down again. Some strong stuff is really trying to get out. I suppose letting it out might actually be easier than fighting it... but I am so used to fighting it. Fighting in general.
Anyway - thanks for letting me process this. ...soooooooo tired. Need to sleep.
PS also found out today that I have a HUGE iron deficiency (pardon my spelling, it is after midnight afterall). I guess i am suppposed to be in the 90ies (whatever that means) and I am at 17. Yipes! So, no wonder I'm tired, eh? I have accupuncture in the morning and am REALLY super nervous about them "pins". zowie. *breathing*.
kiya

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((KIYA!!!!!!!!))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I can't tell you how many times I've heard in the past few days (from T, from Teacher T, from naturopath) that fighting something makes it worse....that you DO have to face it and let it out. You are doing that....and it's scary as hell....but you are DOING IT, and that is amazing and brave and good, even though it feels like crap.

I love how supportive your group T is. And your group. T has helped me through panic attacks in a similar way...sitting close....and I feel like...wow, someone CARES and HELPED ME. That's huge.

Come back and tell us about acupuncture. I was just thinking yesterday about trying acupuncture so I am anxious to hear how it goes. Just remember to breathe, remember that it will be okay. People have been using acupuncture to heal for thousands of years.

Thinking of you!

[Sannah]

[oneinleftfield]

Thats awesome to be supported like that! I have been in group therapy before. It was a long group (DBT). It doesn't matter what kind really. When I would go in there I wouldn't have panic attacks but sometimes feel myself slipping away. I was disassociating. I would miss most of the group because I wasn't present. There were times I could catch it coming on and I had to learn grounding techniques. I would suck on a sour candy, rub my feet on the floor, take a special rock out of my pocket that had some sentimental value (I collect them and people give me small ones sometimes), other things too. Maybe it will help? I couldn't do the breathing thing, I still can't. One time a counselor was saying goodbye and I went into the bathroom, sat on the floor in a stall and cried. Then I returned to group. Don't give up!

[Kiya]

Originally Posted by earthmama

Come back and tell us about acupuncture. I was just thinking yesterday about trying acupuncture so I am anxious to hear how it goes. Just remember to breathe, remember that it will be okay. People have been using acupuncture to heal for thousands of years.

UGH. Another panic attack. But my case worker was great. She met me in the lobby, took my hand and led me to the room... reminded me to breathe. But seeing the room barely lit with a table... i started crying, shaking, and backed up against the hallway wall. She asked if i needed more light, never left my side, brought a stuffed animal, turned on the lights all the way, stroked my hair even! @_@ I told her i hate being on my back and this would be with a guy... i couldn't do it. She said I could sit and reminded me no one is here to hurt me. So we sat and talked until I was as calm as I was going to get. She got the guy but by that time, there was no time to do the accupuncture - DARN! lol. So i met him, we talked, he looked at my arm and neck and explained what would happen. I have 2 apnts for next week and my case worker will be at both. *Whew*!
Thanks EM!

[Kiya]

Originally Posted by oneinleftfield

There were times I could catch it coming on and I had to learn grounding techniques. I would suck on a sour candy, rub my feet on the floor, take a special rock out of my pocket

Yeah... i tend to lose all feeling from my ribs down, every group session. I rub at my legs and my toes turn to ice. I do have a rock that might help - hadn't thought of that. It is round but with rough edges so it is almost like accupressure to roll it around in my hands. Thanks for the idea.
Today i feel like i'm dragging. I still have therapy tonight... *sigh*.

[Dingoroo]

i'm glad you like your case worker. it takes a lot of courage to do group therapy, it mmust be a big step to do that- showing up to therapy is an accomplishment in it's own.

~ dingoroo

[emilyjeanne]

(((Kiya)))

I can totally relate to your experience. I am also in group therapy and today was extremely difficult.

Good work.

[chaotic13]

(((kiya))) sounds very difficult.

[Typo]

(((((((((Kiya))))))))))))))

[Kiya]

((((((Dingoroo, EmilyJeanne, Chaotic, Silver)))))))
thanks. too much info to process. i feel like i need another brain. T agreed with me on that tonight and said "that's what we want!" !?! Another brain?!? No - to have me be processing info "in a way that is healing and transformative". ohhhhhhhh!

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((kiya))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I'm so glad your case worker went with you to acupuncture. It sounds like a good first step - just going, meeting the guy, being in the room, hearing what will happen.

Baby steps. Those are good.

[Kiya]

From what T was saying last night, i was concerned she'd have me try to drop something - talking about plans and planners and how she and MD have spoken about me yesterday (after the non-accupuncture apnt) and they decided that together they are going to be the "planners" for my my... what is the phrase... gah i'm already dissociating.... regime or therapy plan. i don't understand and i need more info and i sent t an email tonight panicking about all this. i need to be in control of my life and this does not feel like control. i .... i dunno. i'm not dropping group therapy. if i never push myself, i won't look at any of this junk. and i like the group and they do allow us to leave if we just can't cope. group t last week said i could leave - she'd have even gotten my stuff for me! so that feels ok and safe.
or md and t will change the accupuncturist to a woman or...or ... but i need to KNOW in ADVANCE!!! *breathing* @_@

When T and Teacher T consulted about me, it felt really weird and upsetting and I did kind of fear losing control of my own treatment. T told me they talked for 30 minutes about the best way to provide support for me, about what each could bring to me, etc. Which all sounds really nice, but feels like.....eeeeek!!!!!?!?!?!

My T does keep trying to make it very clear that *I* am the one in control. He said I am the general and he is my lieutanant general (I assume that means I'm in charge, knowing nothing about army rankings!!). It does feel strange to know that other people are putting their heads together about our treatment.

If there is one thing I am sure of, it is that your T is absolutely dedicated to you, and understands where you are coming from 100%. Tell her about your fear of losing control of all of this. She will hear you.

(((((((((((((kiya)))))))))))))))

[Mouse_]

((Kiya))

..............

[Kiya]

Originally Posted by earthmama

If there is one thing I am sure of, it is that your T is absolutely dedicated to you, and understands where you are coming from 100%. Tell her about your fear of losing control of all of this. She will hear you.

More than that, last week she TOLD me... "You want control".... yeah, so ...hello! I did not hear back *cries* but am trying to be calm. (Hahahahah *sigh*). I do remember your talking about T and Teacher ... was it you that panicked and T said, yeah but it's ABOUT YOU. For me, I don't want to make waves or cause problems or... or... ya know?? I don't want ppl to have to meet to talk about me (like you said, Eeeeek!). @_@! I feel i already take up too much of their time as it is. and i really don't want T to take caseworker from me. =( (for the accupuncture). that would really really hurt.

Which reminds me.... even case worker told me to go to another place and get a caseworker (so there is a LOT of abandonment crap coming up). I don't think she's unassigning herself from me - she always tells ppl that I'm her's (as in, her program) and says "MD gave her to me". But all the ppl i just got used to now sending me off to other ppl.... *hides in corner, wraps fox tail around self*.

It must feel totally overwhelming to be trying to coordinate care with so many people. Just the whole "T and Teacher T" thing just about threw me over the edge. In fact, there are still a bunch of little aftershocks we're working through.

What's up with your case worker?? I don't get that.

Well, not to sound like a broken record (but here I go anyway) - with T on your side, you are not going to fail. No matter how confusing and overwhelming it gets, SHE CAN GET YOU THROUGH THIS. I am sure of it. She knows how you feel and what you are going through...so try to trust her, and try to trust that she also wants to hear YOUR wisdom and that when you share your ideas, fears, opinions with her, you are not making waves or causing problems. You and she are working TOGETHER to help you heal.

((((((((((((((((((((((((kiya))))))))))))))))))))

[Kiya]

ok.
breathing.
I like broken records - each time they go around, i hear something I didn't the first time. especially when you've added something new =)
(((earthmama)))
you know what? I think my friggin email didn't go through. i always send myself a copy, and i didn't get it. also, it is not in my sent box. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr i didn't even make a copy in my journal. it is just POOF gone.

[Kiya]

my email to T got lost in Cyberspace. She never got it. *sigh*.