ten and a half hours... and some grief.

Last week when I made a countdown post, I ended up not being able to see T the next day because of the big traffic accident and the road closures.

So now I'm making a risky move and making another countdown post. I was never one to be superstitious, so I'll take the chance.

However, I am scared as hell that I will turn on the traffic report and find out there is a sinkhole the side of Canada in the road and I won't be able to see him.

We had a phone session on that day last week that was so wonderful that afterward, I wasn't the least bit upset about not being able to go to his office. The connection was so strong over the phone, and we covered so much material, that I was really okay with it.

Then I called him on Friday morning and he called back that night while he was stuck in traffic.

He did most of the talking-- for about 15 minutes! He sounded unusually upbeat. I said, "Did you drink coffee? You are extremely hyper today." At the end of the call he said, "You know? I did drink some coffee at the end of the workshop today and I am more verbal than usual tonight!" The man wouldn't let me get a word in!!

Ahhhh I can't wait to see him tomorrow and just be in his presence... just to have that 90 minutes with him is so valuable to me-- it can be such a gentle, quiet time.

I have been really overwhelmed lately because I am working three and a half days per week, sometimes seeing up to seven clients per day. I am in my last three weeks of the semester and the work is getting so demanding and intense that I literally cannot do anything for myself because any minute that I am not studying or doing work is a wasted minute.

"Time heals all wounds" is ********. I miss my dad more every single day and sometimes I feel like I am only living for my work/schooling. I feel like I can't deal with my life without my father. I know I am dealing, but it feels like I am getting punched in the stomach all the time-- there are so many moments in the day in which I feel like it is the first time I am finding out that he is gone. It still doesn't make sense to me. It is so raw. I am not even close to accepting that he is gone, so I am obsessive and in denial about certain things-- like making sure that no one moves anything that he touched-- because he left things a certain way for the last time he touched them... and I don't want anyone messing with his stuff.

There are so many things that have happened in the last three months that my dad would have wanted to know. There is so much I need to tell him, so much we would talk about. He never got to know that Obama won. He would have been so glad. He would have asked me how low the gas prices are in Philly, compared to NY. We would have talked about it. He would have been so proud of me for my work in doctoral school. There is so much that I want to say to him.

Time to put compartmentalize the feelings and study Maslow.

All I can say is that I am sitting right here with you, if thats ok.

Your right Time doesn't heal all wounds, it is a lank of crap.
Wounds are healed by talking and making sense of things that just don't makes sense.
I don't think we'll even totally get over the loss of our parents.

Like your dad, my mom was proud of what I was doing as well. I am in my last year of nursing, my mom was more proud of that than I. I am the first of her six children to finish highschool and go on to college. I know the moment I walk down the isle, its going to hit me.

I find myself getting more angry at the loss of my mom. I still haven't fully let myself break down because to me thats giving in and accepting her death, I just can't do it yet. Sometimes I just want to freaking scream.....

Pink, at the risk of sounding cliche, the dead that we love are never ever truly gone. I fully believe, without any doubt, that he IS proud of your school work. Not a moment goes by that he is not with you in your heart. The physical body is no longer here, but the love you share IS REAL and is with you in every moment. Never deny that. What you have - you can share with him. As long as you have him in your heart, he can never be closer. I know it is terribly painful, i miss Austin SOOO much it is a physical ache. But I also know that when I think of him (which is no longer every single second of each day because it has now been 6.5 years) he is a breath away, sharing that moment with me. I missed him so very much yesterday, I climbed over a pile half my body in height to get to his picture and touch his face. But I also felt him touch my tears.
kiya

((((((((((((((((((((( Pink)))))))))))))))))))))))

I lost my dad 4 years ago, and it IS hard to think about the things that he isn't here to share with me. Like...he doesn't even know we have a dog! He missed C's first piano recital! He doesn't know that S is the best pitcher at the park he plays at. The last time he saw E, E was 1 1/2 and now he is a 6 year old with his own personality. It still hurts. I guess it will always hurt. BUT, I promise, it doesn't hurt like it used to, not in that punch-in-the-stomach-every-single-day kind of way. Your loss is so, so, so new. In AA someone said once "time takes time" and it's so true. Time DOES help...but we can't speed up the time, or the healing.

You're so busy, which is maybe good and bad. Good, because you can't just get lost in your grief...but bad, because there is so little time to process it. When my dad died, C was in the process of being diagnosed with autism, and I had a crazy 1 year old and was homeschooling and taking care of my mom, and I think that the healing was slower because of so much other stuff going on in my life. Maybe having T for 90 minutes each week can give you some time to slow down, and feel what you need to feel about your dad.

(((((((((((((((((((((((pink)))))))))))))))))))))))))) thinking of you, and sending hugs. If a sinkhole the size of Canada appears, have T send a helicopter for you. It's time to go and see that guy in person!

I was the opposite with time when Austin died. I had alllllll the bloody time in the world. It still took years. I shut down completely. I was devastated. I nearly joined him. I visited his grave and wanted to dig through to him to be with him and stay there. I lost a lot of time to utter nothing-ness. i was lost and all light was lost to me. Ok so the first 4 years i guess i did count what he had missed. I was grateful he hadn't seen 9-11. But he didn't get to graduate. He didn't see me start therapy or seminary. But for my graduation, i carried a momento of his with me and said his name as i walked across the platform - so he could "live" through me. There are times that I think he is missing things... but times now (more so now than in those first early years) that he is right here with me in my heart. he is apart of me. Grief is just hard. so very hard. His mom, my mom, our friends thought I'd never "snap out of it". They had all gone on. I can't say it doesn't still hurt - i'd be a lier. It brings tears even now to think that on it and know that in 2 weeks he would have been going on 29. At first i was terrified because his voice and features were vacating my memory. I think it is the trauma of loss that does that. But (for me) it came back full force once I got through the nightmare of loss.
((((((((pink. earth))))))))))))