So, I went to T today. This morning I had a LOT of anxiety about going, but it kind of faded during the day, because I finally, FINALLY managed to get it all shut down.

When I saw him I had this surge of anger. I went into his office and the anger was replaced by absolute FEAR. I could NOT look at his eyes, it was so, so, so triggering. And then I felt sad, because my safe place had become such a scary place.

I talked for a while without looking at him. But it was like everywhere I looked in his office, nothing seemed safe. It was almost like an acid trip (or so I've heard) - the patterns on his chairs and rugs looked sinister, the black leather chair in the corner looked like a void that could swallow me up. I was paralyzed. I told him that I felt completely stuck in the corner of the couch I was sitting on, like I'd never be able to move again.

We had talked some about how the little me really, REALLY wanted to feel safe - just wanted to curl up on the couch and be soothed...but some other part of me was SO scared, and his eyes were just freaking me out.

He said "what if I come over and I'm stuck there with you...we can be both be stuck". So he came over and sat next to me. It made everything better because I couldn't see his eyes anymore. So we both looked kind of straight ahead and did therapy that way. I held his hand. So the little me felt soothed, and the scared me felt a little safer since I couldn't see him. He apologized a lot and said that if he could do Monday over again, he would in a second. He said I was retraumatized, and it took away the safety of my safe place.

He has little zuni animal fetish carvings on his desk and he asked me if I wanted to go look at them and pick one to hold. I managed to get unstuck and I went and looked at them. First I picked a beaver, because it was the tiniest one, and I felt so small. I sat down and we talked about it for a while - but it started to bother me because it had a stick in it's mouth and I felt like it couldn't talk...or maybe couldn't breathe. I put it back and looked at them again and picked up another one. I couldn't tell what it was at first, but it ended up being an eagle. Hawks and raptors are really symbolic for me for a bunch of reasons so I hung on to that one for the rest of the appointment. I told him my hawk stories (I have a lot) and he told me one of his hawk stories. It had a flat head and it felt good to rub it. So a very young me sat with T and played with the eagle and we just shared stories about hawks. He's going out of town and he told me to keep the eagle for him until he comes back, so I got to bring it home with me.

It was such a strange appointment in a way, because he was CLEARLY making a point of not looking at me. He kept his eyes facing forward, even when I got brave and peeked at him. But as weird as that was, it was caring, and helpful. I could feel the strength and safety of HIM next to me, knowing it was T, without having to look into those scary eyes.

The next day I see him is his birthday on Tuesday, and I had already ordered a little fish fetish for him....which is interesting, because today is the first time we ever even mentioned them being there, and certainly the first time I've held one. Now when I return it, I can bring him the fish to go with it.

So the youngest part of me feels safe again, I think. The rest of me, I don't know. I still couldn't look at his eyes when I left. But I could sit next to him and hold his hand. The youngest part of me is the first part that felt safe in therapy when I started feeling safe...so the fact that she feels safe is huge and makes me feel better. I know that the rest of me still probably has a lot of anger and hurt to work through, but it's such a relief that little me can go and be safe.

I took a klonopin and I'm just going to try to "be" for the rest of the night. I feel really, really young. And that just has to be okay for right now.

[free2beme]

((((((em))))))

it's wonderful to hear that your therapist
was sensitive to your youngest's need to feel safe.

i'm so happy for you.

[gimmeice]

((((((((((((( earthmama )))))))))))))))))
I am glad that your T was so sensitive to your needs, it took a lot of courage to go there today. I hope that the safety returns to your therapy.

[ECHOES]

He said "what if I come over and I'm stuck there with you...we can be both be stuck".

Love this earthmama. I love that he wanted to help you feel safe and that he did help you feel safe again.

Think your T might call my T....?

[searchingmysoul]

Huge hug Earthmama. You, all of you, were very brave today.

I hope you took your pocket client.

[Mouse_]

EM, Yes you did survive and thats important to remember.

I love that he gave you the transitional object, and you will come back with a gift for him to add to the collection.

Therapy is HARD. And we get through it.