Being alone while being in the presence of T.

Yesterday's session did not go as planned, but then again, we don't plan what the unconscious does.

The first part of the session was okay. I talked about some issues with H.

Of course the conversation ended up turning to my Dad. After that, I remember almost nothing T said, except for the end of the session when he was telling me to look at him, focus on certain things in the office, and feel the ground underneath me.

I remember there was one point in which he said, "I want to tell you something." And he talked for awhile and then right after I told him, "I don't know what you just said." I still cannot remember it at all.

I do remember what happened to me though. I can recall what I was saying. I entered a different "place" in which I created it so that my dad was still alive. I began to talk about him in the present tense. I told T that I was going to call my dad this weekend and if he doesn't answer his phone, that's okay because he's probably just in the car on the way to visit my aunt, and he never answers the phone while he's driving. Cognitively, I knew at this time, that he is gone.. but my conscious mind was not the part doing the thinking... so the feeling was such that he was alive, and a sense of calm had come over me.

When the session was over, I left in a daze. I could not drive to school, so I just sat in my car (I may have fallen a sleep for a bit). T knew I would be sitting there so he came out to see how I was doing. I told him that I was stuck in a "middle place" now where I hadn't entirely come out of what had been going on in his office, and I was very confused as to whether to feel that my dad was dead or alive. T said that I had gone to this "place" in an attempt to not feel the pain.

I went to school and sat in class pretty much in the same fog. After class, I thought about what the session was like, and realized that for most of it, I had no awareness that someone was in the room with me. I had no awareness of Ts presence; it was virtually as though I was alone. And it disturbed me so much that it was like that. It disturbed me so much that I couldn't remember anything he said.

I left him a message on my way home from school telling him this. He called back in ten minutes, which has never happened. I asked him what the hell happened and he said that as soon as the conversation had turned to my dad I began to go "in and out." He told me again, that I was in a state in which I was avoiding the pain. I told T, "I would rather be with you, in pain, than locked up inside myself without you there." He was so gentle on the phone and did his whole thing where he names significant things that are in his office so that I can visualize them and try get the safe feeling of being in his office when I am grounded and we are together. He told me that I have lost so many things with the loss of my dad. He is exactly right.

I'm really wearing down. Gosh, how my life has changed in two and a half months. You go out to get a cup of coffee, get a phone call in the parking lot, and your life has changed in that instant. There are two seconds within that time that exist-- the second when your life was your "old" life; the second your life was the way it always had been-- and then the very next second when it changes forever.

Oh, on a funny note-- at the end of my phone call with T, he said, "When you get home, make sure you really focus on feeling the ground underneath your feet." I said to him, "Yes, that's fine, but my head still feels detached." T said, "Well, we will work from the bottom up. Don't stand on your head."

I do love him.

((((((((((((((((( pinksoil ))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Your T sounds great. That sounds like a scary experience, I am glad he was able to explain what was going on.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((Pink)))))))))))))))))))))))))

I have had that experience of being "alone" and with T at the same time. It's disorienting and kind of scary when it's over. I your T. He is so good at caring for you, grounding you, being sure you get what you need.

It makes my heart ache that your unconscious is working so hard to protect you from your pain. But maybe that is what you needed right then. If only we could speed up healing, it seems like it would be so much easier. But we can't. So I'm glad that T was there with you, and that he is STILL there with you, even though you are not physically together.

Thinking of you, sending so many

Pink
You have such a great connection with your T, I can't even imagine what that is like. I feel so disconnected from mine and I keep thinking its because shes not emphathetic ect, sometimes I feel like I am just another number and she's not new, she's been doing it for over 15 years.

Maybe its me, maybe I just won't allow that connection, I don't know, its not like I don't want it. I hear of all these great T stories and wonder why every time I walk in my T's office I don't feel this warm safe place. Its not that I feel she is going to hurt me ect. There just seems to be this wall between us thats not budging.

Im sorry about not feeling safe with the pain, it sucks. I remember a session with my T one time that was something like yours. I recall her saying "if there is anything I want you to hear from this whole session its this" and I don't remember what she said, don't remember much of anything from that session. When I was leaving she asked me to stand up for a minute and not do anything, then she said would you like me to call one of your siblings or friends to come get you. I said no, she said are you going to be ok driving home, I said yes and left.
I dissociate alot in session, that one was probably one of the weirdest times.

I'm happy to hear your T is there for you and knows you pretty well.

Hangingon

The wosrt part is that I want to talk to him everyday. I want to all him every single day-- but I don't. I am going through such a devastating time and there is one person who gets it... so why wouldn't I want to talk with him everyday?

I'm scared. My father dropped dead. Alive one second, dead the next. What if this happens to my H?? What if this happens to T??? Anyone could go at anytime... when the person who you are closet to in the whole world just goes like that... you really become faced with the reality of our mortality... and how life can change in an instant.

I am writing a million things about my dad. I am putting together a collection, "Poems about my Father." I am also writing a book. In psychology, there is so much emphasis on the mother. I find little that focuses on the relationship with the father.
I want my writing not only to be in honor of my father, but the importance of the paternal relationship, both the positive and negatives.

Here is the newest poem:

Glasses

You let me borrow the watch,

and I am puzzled in a small space

between squares, keeping you

from timing trains.

Push down on the floor. The carpet is rough.

The garden hangs above his head.

You are coming home.

Saturdays are quiet. You are pulling luggage for the winter.

Obviously you can’t answer. There are too many sweaters.

You regulate sound with light. The car is there.

I hand you crackers.

I am soaking my leg. Fifteen minutes are up.

Fifteen minutes in the bucket.

I went to get coffee.

In New York, you were already dead.

They can’t remove the body yet.

Departure: Covered with sheet.

They left his glasses on the kitchen table.

He can’t see without his glasses.

That is a very powerful line. Thanks for sharing your poem. I like the idea for your book.