[sunrise]

My friends, I have very bad news.

After over a year of working on my divorce with my H, just as we were going to sign the settlement this week, he abruptedly backed out. He sent a five page diatribe to us all and is threatening to go to court.

I am very, very upset and don't know what to do. I have not even gone to sleep yet, and it's already morning.

Maybe I shouldn't have, but after several hours, I responded to his missive, and copied everyone on it. I deserve that. I am tired of containing.

I just called my boss to tell her I would be late to work, and I couldn't even talk. I just broke down on the phone and started crying.

This makes my little glitch with T that I've been rambling on about seem so trivial. It is all so unimportant. Ignore those posts.

[cantstopcrying]

Oh I am so sorry. I know how painful the divorce process is. Please take care of yourself during this time.

[gimmeice]

((((((((((((( sunrise ))))))))))))))))))

[MissCharlotte]

(((((((((Sunny))))))))))

I am glad you replied. Yes I agree you deserve to air your voice and don't have to just take what's put out there. This is awful news. But all of your hard work is not down the drown. You just can't see the benefits right now because of your H's behavior. Stay the course. And keep posting, we are holding you up sistah!

PS. NOW can you put EMERGENCY in the subject line of an email to T? You know, at first I thought that was a good idea just to get his attention (not so much that it was an emergency). Now I think it's a good idea, all the way around.


((((((((((((Sunrise))))))))))))

[coconut64]

Sunrise....is he even allowed to do that? I'm sorry to hear about this. In one of your posts recently you mentioned you were going to have a final meeting, maybe this is him getting cold feet right before the end? I bet your lawyer will be as POd as you. At best it's a temper tamdrum as the end is near, at worst, he wasted everyone's time. Let your lawyer and your T/coach handle this. You have good advocates on your side. Please stay strong and try contacting your T even if its just to share your feelings about this and let him support you. And no more replying to your H (even if you're tempted), let your lawyer handle this.

[sunrise]

Thank you everyone.

Originally Posted by MissCharlotte

keep posting, we are holding you up sistah!

Thank you, I really need it. And yes, you're right, now would be the perfect time to use EMERGENCY in my email, but...

T already emailed me, unbidden. He said to call him so I did, twice on his cell, and once on his office phone. No answer. So I texted him. He called back about 10 minutes later. HE CALLED ME. I'm trying to be thrilled. I certainly would be under normal circumstances. We talked for just a few minutes. I was very distant and unreachable and resistant to whatever the hell he was saying. I think he said this was all a really good thing and now that we knew the sources of the conflicts, we would be able to deal with them. I don't want to deal with them. He can deal with them. L can deal with them. I am not dealing with them. We talked for 2 minutes and 37 seconds. We are talking later today for longer. We also have an appointment for early this evening, which I can now attend since I am not going to the legal meeting. What I love is that even though we have this appointment for tonight, he is still going to talk to me on the phone in a couple of hours. I guess he knows needy when he sees needy.

We have a legal meeting scheduled for later today but I have let them know I will not be there. I have authorized my L to act on my behalf if she wants to proceed with the meeting.

I want to get the locks on my doors changed immediately, because H still has keys and I am afraid he is going to come and get me. He has guns. I wish I had a Dobermann. I know I am being totally irrational. I don't feel safe. I emailed my L and asked her to contact H's lawyer and request the keys. Oh, God, I feel stupid. Why is that my first order of business?

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by coconut64

Sunrise....is he even allowed to do that?

Coconut, I think you're right. It is in our signed agreement that we cannot threaten the other person with going to court. I had forgotten that. But what can you do? If he wants to threaten, he'll threaten. It's not like he can be arrested or anything.

I have not heard from my L. Good advice--I am not having any more contact with my H (or his L). I do not want him on my property at all.

Thank you for your support.

okay...deep calm breath...you have already taken steps to keep yourself safe.1. you called your lawyer and your t...they are aware of the situation.2. call a locksmith or a handy friend...go to home depot or a hardware store and buy new locks. change them. not hard.3. you can press charges if he threatens you. call the police. let them know. if he leaves a phone message...save it. let the police hear it. if you don't feel safe..let the authorities know...this is a valid thing.4. put the police # on speed dial on your phone (not just 911)5. let a neighbor know what is going on or a friend so that there is an emergency place for you to go if need bethe lawyers and t will continue with the legal process...you are right they are probably pissed at him getting cold feet...and trust me at this point if he does anything the wrath of the legal systema nd God will reign upon him...be strong...you already know what you need to do...you have said it yourself in your e mails...now just follow thru on it...nothing wrong with changing the locks...you would have done it anyway...now is just a good time

[Simcha]

Originally Posted by sunrise

My friends, I have very bad news.

After over a year of working on my divorce with my H, just as we were going to sign the settlement this week, he abruptedly backed out. He sent a five page diatribe to us all and is threatening to go to court.

I am very, very upset and don't know what to do. I have not even gone to sleep yet, and it's already morning.

Maybe I shouldn't have, but after several hours, I responded to his missive, and copied everyone on it. I deserve that. I am tired of containing.

I just called my boss to tell her I would be late to work, and I couldn't even talk. I just broke down on the phone and started crying.

This makes my little glitch with T that I've been rambling on about seem so trivial. It is all so unimportant. Ignore those posts.

(((((((((((((SUNNY))))))))))))))

DAMN!!! What an absolutely nonsensical, cocka-maymee thing for him to pull at the last second. What was your H's stated excuse for his 5 page "manifesto" against signing the divorce settlement? What does he have to be angry at now?

Well, first thing I'd do is call your lawyer if you haven't yet.
Second thing I'd do is call your H and speak with him 1/1 to ascertain the origin of his threat. Feel free to reverse the order. I know that if I were in your shoes, I'd be incredibly pissed, and I wouldn't let him discard over a year's worth of hard, emotional work. I'd also call your T and get an appointment to discuss, as this seems a rather big deal to have to go through it alone.

I can't think of any valid excuse for his behavior--it's all his emotions running amok, and he wants to do battle in spite of it all. You know, when you contact him, if he isn't straight with you concerning his real reasons for his temper tantrum, I'd call him on his bluff--take him up on his "offer" of filing a civil divorce petition---there is no way in hell that it could POSSIBLY be longer and more painful than the lengthy and extremely emotional arbitration proceedings.

You have put forth a good faith effort over more than a years time toward being amicable, and in very difficult circumstances. If he's REALLY not interested in an amicable split at this point (which it seems he's not), how will he be any different at arbitration in the future?

Next step?
And your T says???

[Simcha]

Originally Posted by sunrise

Thank you everyone.

Thank you, I really need it. And yes, you're right, now would be the perfect time to use EMERGENCY in my email, but...

T already emailed me, unbidden. He said to call him so I did, twice on his cell, and once on his office phone. No answer. So I texted him. He called back about 10 minutes later. HE CALLED ME. I'm trying to be thrilled. I certainly would be under normal circumstances. We talked for just a few minutes. I was very distant and unreachable and resistant to whatever the hell he was saying. I think he said this was all a really good thing and now that we knew the sources of the conflicts, we would be able to deal with them. I don't want to deal with them. He can deal with them. L can deal with them. I am not dealing with them. We talked for 2 minutes and 37 seconds. We are talking later today for longer. We also have an appointment for early this evening, which I can now attend since I am not going to the legal meeting. What I love is that even though we have this appointment for tonight, he is still going to talk to me on the phone in a couple of hours. I guess he knows needy when he sees needy.

We have a legal meeting scheduled for later today but I have let them know I will not be there. I have authorized my L to act on my behalf if she wants to proceed with the meeting.

I want to get the locks on my doors changed immediately, because H still has keys and I am afraid he is going to come and get me. He has guns. I wish I had a Dobermann. I know I am being totally irrational. I don't feel safe. I emailed my L and asked her to contact H's lawyer and request the keys. Oh, God, I feel stupid. Why is that my first order of business?

I must have skipped over this post in my first response. I didn't see that you had already spoke to your T. I'm just a little confused by the turn of events. I don't see any reason for alarm, unless:

Is your soon to be former H violent and abusive?

Is he unstable in some way that is evidenced by past behaviors that would indicate violence to self/others in this current instance?

Was their something in his 5 page diatribe letter/email that indicated he was a possible danger to himself and/or others?

Did he say something threatening?

If he has made known the possibility of being a danger to himself or others by something he said in his letter/email, then you need to report it to the police so that no one gets hurt. If that's the case, make sure you go somewhere safe also. I'd make plans to get your locks changed anyway, as he has no longer has the right of unrestricted access to your property.

Anyway, if there isn't any real fear of safety, then you are probably experiencing a panic response. I'm glad your going to see your T today!

[e_sort]

getting your locks changed is relatively cheap, will make you feel better, and you can probably get it done today. who cares if it's justified. who can make that determination anyway?

i assume you're legally allowed to do this? it's not irrational, especially if he is violent or has threatened you. it seems to me changing locks is maybe something to ask a lawyer about but I'm not sure.

someone said this might well be a last-minute panic response, and though I don't know your husband I think that certainly possible. Also your T is right -- now it has all come out, you know where you stand, and you don't have to wait for the other shoe to drop.

((((((((((((((((((((((sunrise))))))))))))))))))))

How frustrating and terrible. I can't think of strong enough words. I know you have worked SO HARD on this.

Is there a genuine fear for your safety, or do you think it's panic/anxiety? If you really feel you need to change the locks and can't today, you could go to a hotel tonight and do it tomorrow. I'm sorry you feel so scared.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((sunny)))))))))))))))))))))))))))) Keep posting and letting us know how you are doing.

[mlpHolmes]

((((((((((((((SUNRISE))))))))))))))))))))

and the Lawyers will get richer.

(change the locks) IMO

and remember This is Temporary !

[chaotic13]

(((SUNRISE))) You H is certainly playing the control game to the very last minute. Sounds like you are doing what you need to do to be safe. I guess as your divorce coach you T has to look at H's move as positive. When I read your post my first thought was if your H really wanted these "conflicts" dealt with wouldn't he have put them on the table earlier? What did your H gain by springing the on you in the final meeting? I hope you can hold strong, not concede anything that you deserve, and let your H know that his days of emotionally bullying you are over. I agree with what others have posted, if he threatens you in any way, even if you sense that he is just venting or pounding his chest... I would encourage you to file a police report. He needs to stop playing games with you.I'm really sorry your H is putting you through such a roller coaster ride.

I hope you and you daughters remain safe as his real intentions are revealed.

[skeksi]

{{{Sunrise}}}

I'm sorry this is happening. I hope things feel less scary after you talk to T and L.

[MissCharlotte]

HE CALLED ME. I'm trying to be thrilled.

Although this is a dreadful situation, I'm glad your sense of humor is intact.

We talked for 2 minutes and 37 seconds

Don't you love cell phones? I always look at the time T and I spent on the phone too!

Oh, God, I feel stupid. Why is that my first order of business?

Sunny, you are NOT stupid. I think you answered this question earlier when you said you don't feel safe. I am glad you are listening to yourself and taking care of you and your girls. It is empowering. Get the locks changed.

(((((((Sunrise))))))))

[ECHOES]

(((( sunny ))))

What a blow! You have been working and working so hard and so long to get this done. I'm sorry this is happening and at a time when it seemed nearly over.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Sunny))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

How did everything go last night??

[sunrise]

Thanks, everyone.

Originally Posted by Simcha

What was your H's stated excuse for his 5 page "manifesto" against signing the divorce settlement? What does he have to be angry at now?

I'm won't go into details, but the bottom line is he feels the settlement is highly unfair. He has had a chance to negotiate for over a year now, and he agreed to everything in our settlement. I made many compromises. He made significant compromises also. I thought we were doing good. His letter was highly insulting and inflammatory, not just to me, but to the entire team. The tone was supercillious and grandiose. They are mystified, but I am not. This is my H, at his NPD worst.

Second thing I'd do is call your H and speak with him 1/1 to ascertain the origin of his threat.

I won't be speaking to him. Too scary. I'm too intimidated. Pointless. I need him to take back the threats and ultimatums before I can even consider talking to him.

If he's REALLY not interested in an amicable split at this point (which it seems he's not), how will he be any different at arbitration in the future?

I actually don't know what arbitration is. Is that the same as litigation? I do need to talk to my lawyer about the ins and outs of going to court, since there seems a good chance my H wants to do that. I do know that if we leave our current process, we lose both of our lawyers as well as any work they and our other professionals have done for us. I can't stand the thought of starting completely over again with a new lawyer who knows nothing of our case. I just feel so weary. I am still hoping that there may be some aspects of our proposed settlement we can start from and build on from there, within our current process. Although I can hardly stand the thought of continuing negotiations with him, it may be more tolerable to me than starting all over. I'm not sure. I guess I hope he will feel that way too, if he can get out from under all of his anger/resentment/fear long enough to be rational.

My fears for my safety are irrational. Thank you everyone for your concern! Yeah, my H is an angry man, owns guns, and carries concealed weapons. But that doesn't mean he'll use them. I think you are right, I was just panicking--"freaking out" in my lingo. Still, if it will make me feel safer to get the locks on my doors changed, I'm going to do it. I do hate the fact that my daughter has to go spend time with him.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by earthmama

How did everything go last night??

Things went really well with T. Not only did I get my 2 minute phone call in the morning, but he called later when my phone was off just to tell me exactly what time he'd be calling in the afternoon (so I now have this voicemail from T stored on my phone!) and then I got a half hour call in the afternoon, and then we had a 90 minute face to face session in the evening. Talk about support! I felt so much better after our phone call in the afternoon. I wasn't so withdrawn and let T reach me. At one point, our connection started breaking up and I told him I couldn't understand him anymore and then we lost contact. He called me back within about 5 seconds! That felt so good. Like he wasn't going to drop me for an instant. I emailed him after that call to thank him and he responded immediately with something really cute. I just felt like I got this avalanche of phone calls and emails yesterday. It was amazing, and overwhelming in its own wonderful way.

Our session was great. Just what I needed. I had not slept all night or had anything to eat all day. In T's office, I suddenly realized I was hungry and said so, and he took out this loaf of carrot cake he had in his pack and gave it to me to eat (after breaking off a chunk for himself--we had no utensils). I felt like he was taking care of me. We went on for 90 minutes and he gave me lots and lots of advice. Believe me, I need advice right now, on how to proceed with this divorce. I know he said many of the same things over and over again and at the beginning of the session I was not accepting of some of these things at all, but by the end, I was able to accept some of them more. He let me be angry and he let me cry. There is a lot going on here. He also told me what he needed to do in his coach role and me in my own role as a party in a divorce. Then he told me what we could do in therapy, and that these things are not the same, and he needs me to be strong and let him coach and make myself get through this. He said he will be there during and after as my therapist, and I can come anytime and fall apart in his office, grieve, rail, whatever. But we have work to do too, to get through this, and I can't give up.

He was interested to know what he said during our phone call that was so helpful. I said, "just to have you listen. And you said my letter was good. And just to hear your voice. That helped the most. I can't actually remember much of what you said." It was nice to just be able to tell him these things. He received them with grace. It was all about the relationship. It is nice to be able to give T some pay back. (Ha, ha, it reminded me of how the therapy literature says therapists and clients often choose completely different moments in sessions when asked to identify what was the most helpful or best moment. The therapist will say the most helpful point was when I made this insightful interpretation, which led my client to understand the root of her dysfunctional behavior. And the client will say, the best moment was when my therapist smiled, moved his chair 3 inches closer, and offered me carrot cake.)

I must admit, one thing my T said during the session, which I even think I may have misunderstood, was extremely positive to me, extremely GREAT to hear. I am holding onto what may be my misunderstanding. What happened was he was saying about how he had to coach and get me through this and we just had to do this, no time to spare, just GET THROUGH. And then he was contrasting that to therapy, and said, but you can come here, and you can grieve or be angry and process this letter for 6 months, here with me. Now I think he was just throwing out this figure of 6 months rather randomly, but I really latched onto it. Inside I was thinking, "Six months" I can come here for another 6 months? Even when the divorce is over? Really? I can come and cry and be mad and talk and do therapy with you, just me and you, here, together, for another 6 months? Really?" I just had this whole hopeful, joyful strand going through my head, over and over. It was great. I don't know what the hell T said for some time after that because I preferred to listen to what was going on inside of me. So I don't know if he was literal and meant I could really come for another 6 months, but I felt so hopeful, and joyous, that I could still see him for therapy after my divorce is over. I guess I had been thinking, inside, that was not the case.

Anyway, it was a very good session, with lots of "what do I do now" stuff dealt with, as well as some of the relationship stuff that makes therapy so wonderful.

Oh, and on my drive home, T called me again! To follow up on something from our session. I put him on speaker phone and we talked another 10 minutes. Wow, when it rains, it pours! Later last night I sent him two emails related to that call.

I feel much more secure in our relationship because of all of our calls and emails. He told me to call him in his email. And he called me back when I left a message! He actually phoned me several times! Some of those calls, he initiated! He made the calls. I know some of you won't get this, and are probably thinking, "big deal, therapists do this all the time," but to me, it's like a miracle. Wowwwwwww....

[sunrise]

I just remembered this other thing that I will share with you all, because who else would I share this with?

In my written response to my H's inflammatory "letter", I said something that I know is going to totally piss him off, but that no one on our team will understand. It's like I got in this dig at my H without being catty or seeming pissy to the professionals. I said, towards the end of my letter, that this would soon be over, or something like that--it's not important--and then I added the phrase, "God be thanked." This is totally totally totally going to piss him off. When we lived together, God could not be mentioned in the house, without some sort of anti-religious outburst from him. He is a rabid atheist. I have nothing against people who don't believe in God and am not a religious person myself. But my H is simply radical and intolerant and considers it one of his missions in life to put down, disparage, and make fun of anything to do with God and people who believe in God. (For example, one of his Internet hobbies, in addition to pornography, is to join Christian message boards, and make annoying/insulting/inflammatory posts.) So my including this phrase, "God be thanked," is a way I am asserting myself and letting him know he cannot control me anymore and have his way all the time. It's a total f**k you to him: "I can say what I want a**hole, f**k you, I can thank God if I want and there's not a f**king thing you can do about it." That's the meaning that phrase will carry between us. Ha ha, and our team will totally, totally not see this at all. It will be innocuous to them, not noticeable or noteworthy in any way.

[Kiya]

Originally Posted by sunrise

I want to get the locks on my doors changed immediately, because H still has keys and I am afraid he is going to come and get me. He has guns. I wish I had a Dobermann. I know I am being totally irrational. I don't feel safe. I emailed my L and asked her to contact H's lawyer and request the keys. Oh, God, I feel stupid. Why is that my first order of business?

AGREED! Get those locks changed Pronto!!! Yes, a good "first order of business" - protection! We had the same issue with my dad. He was FURIOUS because he was totally coming over when we weren't here.
Supporting you!!!!!!!
((((((((((((((Sunrise!!!)))))))))))

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((sunrise))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I am so happy for you that your therapist was totally, completely there for you when you needed him. A ray of sunshine in a whole bunch of dark clouds. It's the best feeling in the world to be taken care of, especially when we're not used to that.

sunny, i've been reading your threads and i just want to say i'm sorry your husband decided to pull this on you right at the end of the process. glad to hear your therapist is being so supportive when you need him. you sound very strong. i'm going to say a prayer that it all works out too...just don't tell your husband.

[sunrise]

Thanks, all. My plan is to get the locks changed on Friday. Can't come soon enough!

reflection, thank you for the prayer.

Today my T emailed me 4 times and I emailed him twice. It's so great. One thing he told me last night on the phone and then in two different emails today, was that he really liked/enjoyed our session last night. This is really interesting to me--what was special about this session? I think we have had a lot of great sessions, and he has said a couple of times before to me at the close of a session, "good session today" or "good work today." But this is different, he is saying, "I really really enjoyed our session." Yeah, well me too!!! Twice he mentioned the nuances of our session--the layers and layers of nuances upon nuances. Hmmmm, I didn't feel particularly nuantial, lol. I just remember going lots of places, going deep, being angry, frustrated, humiliated, scared, sad. It's a blur.