[Dani]

I know some people probably feel that therapists should never touch a patient in therapy to keep the boundaries intact. But from my experience, my second therapist I had, would hug me at the end of each session, and there were several sessions where she would sit next to me on the couch and 'hold' me when I was upset. To me, I was surprised that any therapist would allow that, but it felt safe for me, and really made me feel close to her and allowed me to open up to her about anything and everything. That was when I was 16, back in 1996. The next therapist I saw when I was 18, at first there was no touch, but after a while she asked if she could hug me and from then on she would hug me at the end of the session, and I felt really comforted when she would do that. Now 10 years later, I'm seeing another therapist who I've been seeing for about 8 months, and not once has she touched me. Sometimes the end of our sessions seem awkward to me, because with my previous experience in therapy I had become accustomed to the hug at the end to kind of bring closure to the session. But she just basically says, 'well I need to let you go now', let's schedule for next week. Then I gather my belongings and she opens the door and out we go. It just feels weird to me. A few months ago, I had brought in a letter for her to read and I had mentioned in the letter that in session she seemed so far away, and I wished she would sit closer to me and hold my hand to make me feel safe. And since then she's always moved her chair closer to me, but has never held my hand. I'm not sure if she just doesn't allow touch but I'm afraid to bring it up, because I don't want her to think I'm weird, or I don't want to put her in an awkward position if she really doesn't allow any touch whatsoever. And I'm not really sure why this is such a huge thing for me, maybe it's because I don't have a lot of human contact in my real life, and very little touch, so maybe it's just something I'm missing? Any thoughts on this, and suggestions on how to bring it up to her?

[kim_johnson]

some therapists do have a no touch policy. litigious society and sometimes people misconstrue etc etc.

i guess the only way to find out is to ask. i remember learning at some point that there is no harm in asking and that even if you get 'no' that doesn't mean you shouldn't have asked. still... it can hurt sometimes so as not to make it worthwhile. it might be that if you told her about your experience then she would be okay with it. i guess it is the kind of think that varies with different people. do you think you could talk to her about it?

My therapist holds my hands to help ground me and to connect, and we hug at the end of session.

My Teacher T, who I am seeing as a meditation instructor and not as a therapist told me today (when she wanted to do some hands on energy work) that she could touch me because she is a yoga instructor, but couldn't touch people in her role as a therapist.

She and my T are good friends, and I'm sure each one would be fine with what the other was doing...I think it is a personal decision each T makes.

Can you just come out and ask what her policy is? I did that with my T early in therapy (to make sure he would NEVER touch me, ironically!)

[Dani]

I want to ask her but I'm afraid that she'll say no.

I understand being afraid to ask because the answer may not be what you want. She may say "no". But right now there is no touch happening - a no would make it no worse off.

My previous T gave us a hug at the end of every session, and held us on her couch when we were doing some rough trauma work. Then I had to change T's. The way I approached it was I simply asked as I was getting up to leave "Do you allow hugs?" She did. And though she doesn't have a couch, she holds us frequently when we need it.

Again I understand that hearing no may be painful. But, is it worth the risk to ask in case it is a yes?

[Kiya]

sometimes t will pat my arm or shoulder, or sometimes give hugs or sit close to look at drawings. last time i was really hoping for some sort of hug or pat - it was a hard session and i felt we were disconnected. i was scared i had pushed her away. i stood at the door and waited a moment and she looked at me like "ok you're leaving right?" and i walked away.

Originally Posted by Kiya

sometimes t will pat my arm or shoulder, or sometimes give hugs or sit close to look at drawings. last time i was really hoping for some sort of hug or pat - it was a hard session and i felt we were disconnected. i was scared i had pushed her away. i stood at the door and waited a moment and she looked at me like "ok you're leaving right?" and i walked away.

That would have made me feel sad, Kiya

That's exactly the kind of reason that I'm glad we don't have any touch in my therapy. I think it would be confusing, and things like that situation would come up, and would hurt me. I think it would make me always want to have that and I would be hurt if sometimes we didn't.

It's a tough situation. Maybe it's one of those things where, yes, it's OK to want it, but maybe it's for the best that T's don't give it to you? Like to force you to acknowledge that there are some boundaries to what the T relationship can be, and to make you keep looking for people in your own life to provide some of the things you need? To help you remember that a T can't provide everything you want or need? Just thinking outloud, not meaning to say anything about those who do use touch in their therapy...I just think it would be too confusing to me and maybe ultimately wouldn't help me that much. I don't know.

But I definitely understand where you're coming from in feeling like you want your T relationship to include that, Dani.

[chaotic13]

I'm a freak about touch and become easily confused by it. We've talked about this a little bit in therapy. At this point I am quiet content having my T remain in her chair and well away from me. However, I'm curious how does one work on becoming comfortable with touch in therapy without ever being touched?

So far I have been working on communicating my emotions by...trying to practice communicating my emotions in therapy.

I have been seeing T for three years. For the first 2.5 years, he wore a HazMat suit during sessions so that there was no possible touch.
See? That's my T. Hahaha. Anyway, then he started to integrate some physical touch as a way to ground me. He holds my hand, he will touch my shoulder on the way out. There will be no hugging, as there is way too much erotic transference stuff going on, and that would just blur the lines.

Personally, I am against Ts "holding" clients. Male/female touch is a tricky thing. I am comfortable with what my T does. It was quite funny, as it started out with shaking hands after 2.5 years of working together, haha. I said to him, "You never even shook my hand!" And we shook hands for the first time after 2.5 years. When he touches me (and during EMDR he will tap on my knees rather than use any of the instruments or wave his hand in front of my eyes), it feels completely comfortable. It does not feel sexual or anything like that. It just feels safe.

[sunrise]

The only kind of touch I have with my therapist is hugs. I'm not sure when we started, maybe about 6 months after starting therapy? We have two kinds of hugs, given at the end of the session near the door on my way out. Either we do a sideways hug where he puts his arm around my shoulders and gives me a squeeze, and I will put my arm around his waist. Or we have a full on frontal hug and these make me feel very, very safe. He is much taller than I am, and the hugs make me feel very secure and cared for and protected. We do not hug every session--there is no expectation. My T and I are very close and I think the hugs are just a natural extension of that closeness.

[Luce]

We saw a t for a long time and she gave us hugs and sometimes sat by us and sometiems held our hands. Then we didnt see her for a long long time and then just a short while ago we got to see her again for four times and it was so nice to see her agian. I sat next to her on the floor and we got some more hugs from her to remember. Now we see a new t but we have only seen her two times and i dont want her to touch or hug me, ever i dont think. But I feel really really safe with the old t and will remeber her caring and hugs and closeness always.

I have no idea how to quote multiple posts so I hope my reply makes sense.

Chaotic asked about how we can get comfortable with touch in therapy without touching. I know I've told this story before, but T and I started by reaching across the room and touching fingertip to fingertip. I was having a total panic attack at the time, my first one ever, and I thought I was dying. T was trying all sorts of things to get my grounded. Finally he asked if I wanted to try touching fingertips and I was willing to try anything, so we touched fingertips. It calmed everything down and brought me back into the room, and wasn't scary at all (I was really REALLY scared of touch before that). For a long time, we would only touch fingertip to fingertip sometimes. Now he can hold my hands, and it feels fine - comforting and connecting.

notme9 said it would be confusing and hard (I'm paraphrasing!) if it happened sometimes and not other times. If I feel like I need to hold T's hand, and he doesn't offer, I will ask. And we ALWAYS hug at the end of session....we talked about it at one point, and it sort of symbolizes that no matter WHAT comes up in session, no matter what is said, WE are still the same.

pinksoil talked about hugs and erotic transference. Luckily, I had a flash of erotic transference with T once...but that was really it. I do completely love him, but any transference I have with him feels more like parental transference, if anything. When we hug, it feels comforting, and that's it. Definitely not sexual at all. But that's US, and I can see where that might not work for other people.

[MissCharlotte]

Like Chaotic I have issues with touch. It's a longstanding joke between my H and me. T and I have never touched aside from a few handshakes when my H came to session and there were handshakes all around.

I have too much trauma in my past to trust touch of any kind easily. I am suspicious instantly. f someone comes up behind me and touches me on the shoulder I startle. Knowing this my T borrowed Pink's T's hazmat suit. I think I scare him sometimes.

I have also had discussions of ET with T.

Now, 2 years plus into therapy I am beginning to feel like I have the cooties. LOL. I want touch now, and I have to address this longing in session. I told T that when I listen to my guided imagery trauma tape he touches me on the shoulder and sometimes I am very young and he holds my hand. He said it was an accurate portrayal of how he feels about me.

That's where I'm at sistas.

[splitimage]

My T has a strict no touch policy, and I'm really comfortable with that. After all these years it would feel really weird to me if she did touch me. I do sometimes think a handsshake at the end of session would be a nice way to wrap things up, becaues leaving is always kind of awkward.

I do remember one time when my pdoc touched my shoulder. I'd made a joke about the universe not being mean enough to make me crazy and give me a brain tumour (I was undergoing neurological tests at the time.) and she kind of laughed and put her hand on my shoulder and said that's a great example of reframing. I guess I looked a little shocked, because she immediately appologized for touching me, which really wasn't necessary, but since then she's been completely hands off too.

If I want hugs, I get more than enough of them from people in AA and at work. (Yes everyone at work hugs and kisses - it's a french thing.)
--splitimage

[skeksi]

I told T that when I listen to my guided imagery trauma tape he touches me on the shoulder and sometimes I am very young and he holds my hand. He said it was an accurate portrayal of how he feels about me.

I like that, Miss C. It's touching that he is able to say that he feels that way about you, he wants to (and tries to) hold you and be there as in your guided imagery.

I am also very skittish about touch, and my T seems to have a general hands-off policy, which is obviously fine with me. However, from the way he scoots close to me and the way his voice changes when I am upset, it's a figurative holding, a figurative touch. Sometimes I think I'd like the real thing, but I also think I'd wig out at it. This version works for me.

[searchingmysoul]

T and I hug at the end of every session. But this practice has not been for the duration of our working together, it has been for the past 6 months when I had a session that for the first time went into a past trauma. Previous to that I NEVER wanted her to even come near me, so much as touch me. After it has been something that is kindof like what earthmama said "it sort of symbolizes that no matter WHAT comes up in session, no matter what is said, WE are still the same". I value that hug/touch very much and feel very comforted by it.

About the transference piece- I have a lot of transference about wanting more touch in therapy though, especially about being held by her, much like a child wants from a parent. I am working on talking about it when it comes up. Which is the best I can do with it.

I hope you find a way to get what you need with your T in a way that works for both of you.

[chaotic13]

Well I guess I am going to find out an answer to my question next session. So many crazy things are happening. I posted this question here only. Then today I get an email response from my T stating that she has reviewed my symptoms and has decided to help me reduce my touch anxiety starting next session. She followed the statement with... Don't worry she won't be touching me during the session. LOL How great is this?

[Dani]

Thanks for all your responses. It's interesting to read other people's feelings about touch, and I definitely can understand those who don't like to be touched or don't want their T to ever touch them. For me, I've found that touch in therapy made me feel safe and grounded during the session, and more connected to my T so I felt safe talking about more difficult issues I've had. So, I do want to find out my current T's policy about it, so I have typed up a little note I'm going to give her during therapy on Monday and hopefully we'll be able to talk about it and I can see where she stands with it. I'm definitely afraid of her rejecting me and saying touching or hugging is off limits, because it might feel awkward after that, but I guess it's better to find out now, than to keep wondering about it.

[chaotic13]

Dani,
I have issues with BEING touched. However, there is no doubt that touch has incredible healing power. I hope you and your new T can find a way to use the healing power of touch to help you feel connected and grounded during difficult discussions. Even though its use in my personal therapy (at this time) would likely cause more harm than good, I would hope that most therapist would have at least some competence in using it when clinically beneficial to their patients.

[coconut64]

My T and I have only touched after the first session when I extended my hand out to him as a thank you as a was leaving. Now a year plus later, when I'm going over extremely painful stuff I really wish for him to hold my hand. I really don't want hugs, but I really would love that extra support that comes from holding my hand. My former T was just the opposite. With him it was a bit too much I think. He would even give me shoulder/neck messages out of the blue. I didn't complain but it always took me by surprise. My new T is psychoanalytic, I believe this school of thought does not believe in touch.

[velcro003]

I could not imagine my therapist ever touching me...for one, we sit far apart, and two it would be weirddddd. I can't imagine holding hands with her either But, I also couldn't tell you the last time I've held hands with someone...yeah...unless you count walking little kids to their groups at work. Nah, that isn't quite the same. But, little kid hugs are wonderful.

[Angel_of_the_Past]

I think touch and hugs sound wonderful in therapy. But for me...I'm way to sensitive and hyperviligent to accept any physical contact.

[sunrise]

Holding hands sounds very intimate to me. To me, more intimate than a hug. My T and I hug at the end of the session sometimes and it is great. Very caring and makes me feel safe. But we have never touched during the therapy session, when we are talking or sitting there together. The closest we have come is occasionally we'll sit next to each other so we can see something we're looking at together better, and at those times, we touch "accidentally" as we sit right up next to each other. It's very companionable.

Recently, I was watching some videos of Carl Rogers, one of the main founders of humanistic therapy, do therapy. He sits so close to the client when he does therapy. They sit facing each other, practically knee to knee. A client asked him to hold her hands. So they held both hands as they sat facing each other. They didn't speak. It was really, really intimate.

[Simcha]

I can't remember if I ever shook my T's hand before, but if I did it must have been on our first meeting. I've been with T for two years, and I can't remember most of the first year at all.

I have other ways of connecting with my T that don't evolve around touch, so thankfully I don't feel the need to hug my T. I think I might ask him if I can have a hug sometime though, just to mess with his head.

I think some degree of touch with some people can be therapeutic, but it can be risky, especially with male/female therapy. Ultimately, I'd say that's really up to the individuals involved if they feel it's appropriate for them. Therapy seems pretty individual in nature, so I don't see how there is only one right answer to the touch question.

[SICKlySweet]

Hello Dani,

I guess it really depends on what you need as a person. If you need it, you could ask for it. And if it's not something the T does, well than u could always ask for an explanation too. You could always talk about why you think you need it (Vice Versa) Or you could ask is they know a T that would be helpful for you in that area. Always Plenty options. Hope this helps.

I would also say it depends on what the issues are that you are dealing with. I have BPD and would NEVER let a T or most ppl for that matter touch me. I have alot of Trust issues and have to be really comfortable with a person b4 they can "hug" or "hold my hand".

SICKly Sweet