[Angel_of_the_Past]

I need some suggestions please! I have complex PTSD as my main diagnosis accompanied with anxiety and depression. I’ve been struggling in therapy for sometime now. I have absolutely no ability to trust or confide to any extent. My relationship with my T is ok but very superficial. I just can’t bring myself to trust anyone. To trust sounds so easy….but for me it’s impossible since the incident.

Over the past few months I’ve notice my T has become less and less responsive to my needs i.e.: doesn’t return my calls or text messages. I ask her about this and if she was tired of dealing with me. She told me she wasn’t tired of me and did in deed want me to continue in therapy. She apologized for not returning my calls.

During our last session she ended the session very abruptly half way through with “I don’t see any need to continue”. I was very depressed; I was broke and failed to refill my Rx (off my meds), which I feel made her angry, as her face and neck were very red, her body language and tone of voice gave me that impression. So, I left.

I know my continued failure in therapy is my fault not hers; I need some suggestions. We have been together in therapy for several years and I don’t think I have the reserves to start with another T. I just don’t know what to do!

[pegasus]

((((((( Angel of the Past )))))))

Go back to T and talk about it.

[searchingmysoul]

(((((((angelofthepast)))))))

I really don't have a suggestion, except that maybe I agree with pegasus and that if you have a longstanding relationship it might be worth it to try talking about it with her. It sounds to me that she may feel just as stuck as you do.

I can say you are not alone though. I too struggle with some of the things you posted about. I have often experienced not being able to talk about what has happened or is happening inside of me....you just are where you are in therapy, and you are not a failure for being in that place.

Take care,
Searching

[RiverX]

It sounds pretty awful! specailly as a trauma survivor
I'd say something different, take some time to recover, do good self care, take time with yourself and your - what ever helps you to centre and comfort yourself, share here/ with friends,
Go back to ask her when you wont be in danger of retraumatising yourself.

riverx

[MissCharlotte]

Originally Posted by Angel_of_the_Past

I need some suggestions please! I have complex PTSD as my main diagnosis accompanied with anxiety and depression. I’ve been struggling in therapy for sometime now. I have absolutely no ability to trust or confide to any extent. My relationship with my T is ok but very superficial. I just can’t bring myself to trust anyone. To trust sounds so easy….but for me it’s impossible since the incident.

Over the past few months I’ve notice my T has become less and less responsive to my needs i.e.: doesn’t return my calls or text messages. I ask her about this and if she was tired of dealing with me. She told me she wasn’t tired of me and did in deed want me to continue in therapy. She apologized for not returning my calls.

During our last session she ended the session very abruptly half way through with “I don’t see any need to continue”. I was very depressed; I was broke and failed to refill my Rx (off my meds), which I feel made her angry, as her face and neck were very red, her body language and tone of voice gave me that impression. So, I left.

I know my continued failure in therapy is my fault not hers; I need some suggestions. We have been together in therapy for several years and I don’t think I have the reserves to start with another T. I just don’t know what to do!

Angel,

I also have complex ptsd with anxiety and depression. I cannot imagine being in therapy for several years and still having a superficial relationship.

You know, the therapeutic relationship goes two ways, so I don't think it's fair of you to blame yourself for the failure of the relationship.

T getting angry and red in the face feels like a failure of hers, not yours.

I really think you have to lay this all out on the table and discuss it with her, so you two can figure out how to take better care of you.

((((Angel))))

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by Angel_of_the_Past

During our last session she ended the session very abruptly half way through with “I don’t see any need to continue”. I was very depressed; I was broke and failed to refill my Rx (off my meds), which I feel made her angry, as her face and neck were very red, her body language and tone of voice gave me that impression. So, I left.

That's sound so hard. I'm sorry that happened. Do you know what made her angry and not want to continue? Was it that you were depressed? Off your meds? Not revealing your thoughts and feelings to her? I think if a T gets angry in session, they need to tell you why.

What have you worked on with her to help with your depression? Is there something else you could try with her to help with that? (Has she exhausted her toolbox?) I think it can be hard to work on the trauma when the depression is getting in the way. But if you can deal with some of the trauma, it can help the depression too. So it's hard to know the best course. Maybe you guys could shake it up a bit, and take a different plan of attack. Get out of that stuck place.

You've been with her for so long, I think it is worth going back and talking to her about what happened last time. And see if she has ideas for what to do next.

[chaotic13]

My T last session seemed appear frustrated with me. Luckily though she did not show me anger. I think I would have sensed this immediately and I wouldn't have recovered from that.(((Angel)))

I will say that communicating with her since this disconnect has helped me handle it and keep my mind from spinning it out of control.

I hope you can get you meds and work through this

[Angel_of_the_Past]

Thank you everyone for your replies. Sorry but I’m in a real “funk” right now. The depression is bad and now the stress of my broken relationship with my T feels over-whelming. I’m glad I had some where to go, bounce some ideas and feel some support.

Even though my T denies it, I sense a great deal of frustration and anger from her. When I ask her about it she claims it’s not true and she wants therapy to continue but there is a major disconnect between her words and the message her non-verbals send out. I feel like she’s going through the motions and if I don’t respond the way she thinks I should she becomes frustrated.

I know she is big on meds and is angry that I didn’t/couldn’t refill my Rx. I am very depressed and when I get this way I pull inward becoming very numb and unresponsive to the world.

Maybe it’s time for a “break” from therapy-for both of us. She doesn’t think that’s a good idea but our sessions aren’t going well and I’m ready to just quit.

Thoughts?
Angel

[RiverX]

One thought is.. IMO, tho I've never had meds, so I'm not fully informed, but that the original problem arose in relationship, so it is in relationship we have to heal.

Trust has to be earned. the more severe our pasts, the more high quality the relationship needs to be to resolve and counteract whats left inside us. Integrity is of great importance in a healing relationship. Whilst, also - all humans are imperfect, but you'll know inside what good for you.

Thats my thoughts... I can understand, your situation takes some getting over... the feelings need to be processed.

river

[peaches100]

Angel,

I also have a diagnosis of Complex PTSD with GAD and depression, and I can completely understand the struggle with trying to trust your therapist. I've worked with mine for several years, and we "still" are working on the trust issue.

When I initially read your post, my first reaction was that it sounds as though your therapist may indeed be upset or frustrated. If so, she is allowing her countertransference reactions to interfere with your therapy. This is not good. It's her job to manage her emotions, regardless of what they are. However, being human, therapists sometimes slip and their frustration may show through. When that happens, it's important that the two of you work through this situation. Otherwise, it could really interfere with your therapy relationship.

Since you've worked with her for a long time, it seems worthwhile to try to talk things through and salvage the therapy relationship. However, if she continues to display negative emotions while claiming not to be upset, that's an issue. It certainly makes it hard for you to trust her if her actions and speech do not coincide. Also, I'm not sure what her rules are regarding after hours emails or phone messages, but I would ask her to clarify this for you. Otherwise, when you leave a message and she does not respond, it will make it more difficult to trust her to be there for you.

I would encourage you not to feel guilty about this. It sounds like the problem is not so much about your lack of progress, but about her inability to deal with her own emotions regarding your progress or lack of it. If your progress is slow, it's her job to ask herself what she can do to be more effective in working with you. You should not feel blamed. If working with her tears you down more often than it builds you up, you might consider finding a new therapist. Her job is to support YOU in your healing journey.

[Angel_of_the_Past]

Right now my biggest fear is that my T doesn't care about me or my issues. I know this is childish and all in my head but..."it is what it is". I'm afraid she's going to stop seeing me.



Angel

[Sannah]

Angel, is the thought of a new therapist scary?

[Angel_of_the_Past]

Yes, starting over with a new T is very scary for me. This whole mess is very complicated and the thought of having to re-tell every thing is over whelming.

I did call my T and left a lengthy VM about how I felt things were going and how she was making me feel (I'm quite proud of myself for laying it all out) then I asked for a return call. Lets see what happens.



Angel

[chaotic13]

Originally Posted by Angel_of_the_Past

.

I did call my T and left a lengthy VM about how I felt things were going and how she was making me feel

Sounds like you are being proactive. I think doing this with a new T is great. I really hope you can work thru this.

[coconut64]

Angel...I know what you mean about starting over with someone new. Congratulations on asserting yourself and speak up about your feelings. Let us know how it goes

[Angel_of_the_Past]

OK, well my T just called me. She talked for 30 minutes and would have talked longer but I wanted to stop (felt guilty for keeping her on the phone). We ironed out several difficulties and she apologized for not being more responsive to my needs. She felt that perhaps because we've been in therapy for some time she made some assumptions about my needs. She listened to what I felt I needed from her and said she would try to be more cognizant of my needs in the future. Whew, that was a hard conversation but much needed.

Thanks to everyone for your input and support, without it I would have never challenged my T.

Hugs,
Angel

(((((((((((((((((((((((Angel)))))))))))))))))))))))))

It feels so good to be heard! I'm glad T called you.

[skeksi]

It's awesome that you were able to be heard by her, and that you know she is trying to be sensitive to what you need.

[chaotic13]

What I think so strange is how we can have an experience like the one you just described and feel great. Then the next time there is the slightest disconnect.... we flip right back into immediately thinking that our Ts are trying to kick up out of therapy and don't really care.

One day I hope I can just leave one of these disconnected sessions, breathe, say..."Oh well, I'm sure next session will be better.", and not feel so devastated. How's that for a therapy goal????

[Angel_of_the_Past]

Originally Posted by chaotic13

One day I hope I can just leave one of these disconnected sessions, breathe, say..."Oh well, I'm sure next session will be better.", and not feel so devastated. How's that for a therapy goal????

Maybe when I get to that point I won't need therpy any more?!

LOL
Angel

[imapatient]

Originally Posted by Angel_of_the_Past

I know she is big on meds and is angry that I didn’t/couldn’t refill my Rx. I am very depressed and when I get this way I pull inward becoming very numb and unresponsive to the world.

Angel

This is a real red flag.

I've been in your shoes about not affording meds, and when I told my T she called my pdoc to get something worked out so that I could get meds at an affordable price. At first it was samples and then maybe diff. meds.

I think a T should do more than just "feel" (anger or frustration or whatever) about your inability to pay for meds. Even if the T and pdoc can't come up with something for you short or long-run $-wise for those given meds, she shouldn't be passive about it, esp. if she thinks it's such a problem; she should act somehow. Try.

[Sannah]

Angel, you were heard because you spoke! Good work and keep it up!

[searchingmysoul]

Way to go addressing these things with your T!!!!!



Such a huge risk and very brave!

[coconut64]

Wow Angel congratulations for asserting yourself and standing up for your needs. I hope you will be able to continue the conversation in session and go from there.

[Angel_of_the_Past]

Thanks to all for supporting me. Lets see how my session goes and how I feel afterwords. I'm hoping things are resolved and not just band aided. Sorry, the negativity just crept back in--LOL