There's been so much talk here lately about crying in therapy....I was definitely one of the people who thought I would NEVER cry in therapy - because I didn't cry anywhere, ever. I was trained VERY WELL to hide my feelings as I was growing up.

Then the dam broke recently, and I started crying in therapy - first a little, then a lot. Today, I actually cried with Teacher T because I misinterpreted something she said and it hurt (but we cleared it up)

So, tonight my H and I went out for our anniversary. We went to dinner and a play in the next town over, and had some time to kill so we were walking through a little shop. They had these beautiful, unusual Santas - I really liked them. My dad died 4 years ago, and he collected Santas, so I used to buy him a Santa every year. I told H, "if my dad was alive, I would totally get him one of these Santas" and H said "you still can get it for him"...and I just started crying! IN A STORE, IN PUBLIC. I have barely shed a tear over my dad's death, although he was young, and it was unexpected, and I loved him very much. My feelings have been so buried. But something about buying a Santa to sort of honor my dad and keep him with me this Christmas just moved me. I actually had to kind of step to the side of the store and breathe and pull myself together before I could buy it. Now I have it sitting here next to me, and I'm so glad I got it.

In some ways, I feel like my heart is opening up....and starting to release all of these tears. I was so scared to cry before, but I've been doing it so much lately, it's starting to feel almost normal. I feel like something inside of me is waking up - and there is pain and sadness, but I think the joy and love and beauty are there too.

Sometimes I don't even recognize myself anymore...but it's okay. I WANT to be more alive, and to have feelings. That's what I told T at my very first session when he asked my goals for therapy...that I want to feel my feelings. I can't believe I'm starting to get there.

[perkypower]

I too have lost my father, almost two years ago. I go Christmas shopping and see a perfect present for him and how he would absolutely love it only to realize that I can't buy it because he's dead.

Your description of finding the Santa and bringing it home brought me to tears. I am happy that you were able to go thru and feel those feelings. That Santa should have a place of honor with you all year round that a part of the numbness is going away.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by earthmama

I feel like something inside of me is waking up - and there is pain and sadness, but I think the joy and love and beauty are there too.

Sometimes I don't even recognize myself anymore...but it's okay. I WANT to be more alive, and to have feelings.

(((((((((( earth mama ))))))))))
Oh EM I am so moved by this whole post. Yr DH sounds wonderful and I know he is happy with you to see you waking up inside. You have given me a lot of joy with all this. Thank you!!!

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by perkypower

That Santa should have a place of honor with you all year round that a part of the numbness is going away.

what a great idea!

[pachyderm]

Oh for crying out loud! Crying IN PUBLIC? What will happen next?

Originally Posted by pachyderm

Oh for crying out loud! Crying IN PUBLIC? What will happen next?

HA! I'm scared to find out!

[bipolarbabe]

Hi earthmama- I too was very moved by your post and am very glad you did work up the strength to buy the Santa in your dad's honor.

I cry in public WAY too frequently and totally relate to having to step outside and gather your thoughts.

It sounds like you had a breakthrough! Congrats!

[ne1410s]

Ah, this really touched my heart I hope you know.
I just recently lost my father...reading your post just made me smile though
Crying in public...ha! I say cry wherever...have no shame

[searchingmysoul]

Originally Posted by earthmama

There's been so much talk here lately about crying in therapy....I was definitely one of the people who thought I would NEVER cry in therapy - because I didn't cry anywhere, ever. I was trained VERY WELL to hide my feelings as I was growing up.

Then the dam broke recently, and I started crying in therapy - first a little, then a lot. Today, I actually cried with Teacher T because I misinterpreted something she said and it hurt (but we cleared it up)

So, tonight my H and I went out for our anniversary. We went to dinner and a play in the next town over, and had some time to kill so we were walking through a little shop. They had these beautiful, unusual Santas - I really liked them. My dad died 4 years ago, and he collected Santas, so I used to buy him a Santa every year. I told H, "if my dad was alive, I would totally get him one of these Santas" and H said "you still can get it for him"...and I just started crying! IN A STORE, IN PUBLIC. I have barely shed a tear over my dad's death, although he was young, and it was unexpected, and I loved him very much. My feelings have been so buried. But something about buying a Santa to sort of honor my dad and keep him with me this Christmas just moved me. I actually had to kind of step to the side of the store and breathe and pull myself together before I could buy it. Now I have it sitting here next to me, and I'm so glad I got it.

In some ways, I feel like my heart is opening up....and starting to release all of these tears. I was so scared to cry before, but I've been doing it so much lately, it's starting to feel almost normal. I feel like something inside of me is waking up - and there is pain and sadness, but I think the joy and love and beauty are there too.

Sometimes I don't even recognize myself anymore...but it's okay. I WANT to be more alive, and to have feelings. That's what I told T at my very first session when he asked my goals for therapy...that I want to feel my feelings. I can't believe I'm starting to get there.

Earthmama- this really is an amazing post. So insightful and powerful. Be well!

~Seaching

[kim_johnson]

((((earthmama))))

vulnerability... healing... hang in there.

[Kiya]

((((((((((((((((((Earthmama))))))))))))))))))))))
Yay - heart opening up. This is a good thing =)

[chaotic13]

Sounds like a nice moment between you and your H.

[phoenix7]

Originally Posted by earthmama

There's been so much talk here lately about crying in therapy....I was definitely one of the people who thought I would NEVER cry in therapy - because I didn't cry anywhere, ever. I was trained VERY WELL to hide my feelings as I was growing up.

Me too

Then the dam broke recently, and I started crying in therapy - first a little, then a lot. Today, I actually cried with Teacher T because I misinterpreted something she said and it hurt (but we cleared it up)

isnt it great that that happened - that seems to be a turning point for you

So, tonight my H and I went out for our anniversary. We went to dinner and a play in the next town over, and had some time to kill so we were walking through a little shop. They had these beautiful, unusual Santas - I really liked them. My dad died 4 years ago, and he collected Santas, so I used to buy him a Santa every year. I told H, "if my dad was alive, I would totally get him one of these Santas" and H said "you still can get it for him"...and I just started crying! IN A STORE, IN PUBLIC. I have barely shed a tear over my dad's death, although he was young, and it was unexpected, and I loved him very much. My feelings have been so buried. But something about buying a Santa to sort of honor my dad and keep him with me this Christmas just moved me. I actually had to kind of step to the side of the store and breathe and pull myself together before I could buy it. Now I have it sitting here next to me, and I'm so glad I got it.

that was a wonderful thing to do - what a great way to remember him

In some ways, I feel like my heart is opening up....and starting to release all of these tears. I was so scared to cry before, but I've been doing it so much lately, it's starting to feel almost normal. I feel like something inside of me is waking up - and there is pain and sadness, but I think the joy and love and beauty are there too.

I am so happy for you -
Sometimes I don't even recognize myself anymore...but it's okay. I WANT to be more alive, and to have feelings. That's what I told T at my very first session when he asked my goals for therapy...that I want to feel my feelings. I can't believe I'm starting to get there.

thankyou so much for this post - it shows that there is hope out there