[chaotic13]

myself:

* crying in therapy
* moving to another seat without caring what T might read into it
* feeling comfortable enough to say anything that comes to mind and knowing that the relationship can withstand it.
* admitting I need a hug
* feeling comfortable enough to ask for a hug
* feeling real authentic passion for some one
* thinking of myself and not feel guilty
* talking openly with others about love, how I feel about them (good and not so good)

When I think back a year ago and recall the things that I read here and said... "Damn I would never able to do that!" Or "Wow,I can't believe people actually talk about THAT!" Or "I will never be that attached to someone" or "I can never see myself wanting something like that" or "I'll never have someone like that in my life." Or "I'm not capable of feeling that."

I'm amazed at the difference one year makes. How many of the things I can do, that 12 months ago I could't even imagine even wanting to do.

What are some things that at this very moment that you cannot ever see yourself doing, but admire others for being able to do?

[MissCharlotte]

I cannot ever imagine walking into session as a confident, self assured adult.

I have this fantasy of walking in dressed in a business suit and wearing stockings and heels and being a completely confident adult and having a completely adult discussion about something very heady and intellectual.

The funny part of this statement is that a year ago I wouldn't have imagined being an insecure child in therapy..........but oh, am I ever!

As to the other things: I have cried rivers, moved seats, admitted I want touch (but didn't ask for it), talked about sex, blahblahblah

[Perna]

I'm haunted by a line in a Carly Simon song, "Life is Eternal"

Here on earth I'm a lost soul
Ever trying to find my way back home
Maybe that's why each new star is born
Expanding heaven's room
Eternity in bloom
And will I see you up in that heaven
In all its light will I
know you there
Will we say the things
that we never dared
If wishing makes it so
Won't you let me know
That life is eternal
And love is immortal
And death is only a horizon

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by chaotic13

What are some things that at this very moment that you cannot ever see yourself doing, but admire others for being able to do?

A big one for me is I can't imagine myself having another relationship with someone in the future. All the time I see divorced people "moving on" and having new relationships. I just cannot see that for myself. I just feel so hurt and burned and devastated by the marriage that did not work. I wish I didn't. I don't get how it can affect people so little that they just move on. I never want to be involved again because it is just too painful. I feel I am simply incapable of it.

Another one for me is that I would like to share with T a certain vision/dream for the future that I have. But I just can't picture this. It is too close to my heart to share with him. What if he rejects it? I am unable to withstand that so I won't risk it.

Originally Posted by chaotic13

What are some things that at this very moment that you cannot ever see yourself doing, but admire others for being able to do?

*crying in therapy
*talking about the therapy relationship without immediately shutting down
*talking about past hurts without immediately shutting down
*feeling comfortable enough revealing parts of myself that I don't feel strongly like skipping the next session
*being comfortable with the idea of termination and moving on (to be fair, I don't see too many other people finding this one easy either)
*not taking it personally if my T takes more than 24 hours to respond to an email

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by chaotic13

What are some things that at this very moment that you cannot ever see yourself doing, but admire others for being able to do?

being able to accept my past life as it is, my family as it really is.
being able to LET GO.
Being able to truly say, I love and accept myself.

[lifelesstraveled]

Originally Posted by chaotic13

myself:

* crying in therapy
* moving to another seat without caring what T might read into it
* feeling comfortable enough to say anything that comes to mind and knowing that the relationship can withstand it.
* admitting I need a hug
* feeling comfortable enough to ask for a hug
* feeling real authentic passion for some one
* thinking of myself and not feel guilty
* talking openly with others about love, how I feel about them (good and not so good)

When I think back a year ago and recall the things that I read here and said... "Damn I would never able to do that!" Or "Wow,I can't believe people actually talk about THAT!" Or "I will never be that attached to someone" or "I can never see myself wanting something like that" or "I'll never have someone like that in my life." Or "I'm not capable of feeling that."

I'm amazed at the difference one year makes. How many of the thing I can do, that 12 months ago I could't even imagine even wanting to do.

What are some things that at this very moment that you cannot ever see yourself doing, but admire others for being able to do?

Well, the song you sang is the song i SING. I couldve written all of that except for the part about how you've evolved and grown..Im not there yet.... But you give me hope--thanks!-- that one day all of those will change. I've only been in therapy for 2 months...I cannot wait to see how i grow over the next year or so...If I do grow LOL...Im a stubborn one

[chaotic13]

...Being able to LET GO, that sounds impossibly wonderful

...Talking about the therapy relationship, NEVER! (However, if you asked me last year if I thought I would ever draw pictures to share with my T-I would have said-absolutely not. That was hard to write but... I do it, now!)

...I don't get how it can affect people so little that they just move on. ((((Sunrise)))), I hope next year you're saying something like... "I'm so amazed at the strength I've shown in being able to move on. I can't believe how I've recovered from a state of devastation to experience the joy and power of real love."

..... will I know you .... Will I still know me in just 12 more months? I hope not.

".... confident, self assured adult"...nice. For me, I can kind of imagine the stocking and a pair low low heels.... but wearing fishnets and a pair of outrageous FMP's...now that is unimaginable! Miss C how about a confident, self assured women who is comfortable of wearing the stockings and heels while meeting the needs of all her inner children? Can you imagine that?

I cannot ever imagine:
* saying... "When I completed my dissertation...."
* when presented with the question, "Where the F are you going?" for the billionth time, being able to say, "To therapy where I'm learning how not to take abuse from a complete a$$hole!"

OK...can you tell what I am working on and dealing with in the background at the moment? LOL)

I need a good one... to work towards
* I cannot ever imagine spending a whole day at a day spa and enjoying every single bit of attention I paid for (No guilt, no mental noise, no anxiety).

[phoenix7]

I cannot ever imagine;

being in a relationship
getting through an anniv of my ptsd without crumbling
liking myself
saying to a therapist what i really want to say
not second, third and fourth guessing myself
trusting myself again
being free of ptsd
getting rid of the sadness i feel inside
looking myself in the eyes....
not blaming myself
getting to the other side of this

[chaotic13]

LLT...2 months in...very difficult, but get excited! Things are going to get tough but there are definately treasures to be found.

P7.... Not second guessing and not blaming myself...still trying to imagine those two...but I'm at least hopeful.

[phoenix7]

Originally Posted by chaotic13

LLT...2 months in...very difficult, but get excited! Things are going to get tough but there are definately treasures to be found.

P7.... Not second guessing and not blaming myself...still trying to imagine those two...but I'm at least hopeful.

maybe there's hope enough for both of us Good luck wiht your Therapy

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by chaotic13

...Being able to LET GO, that sounds impossibly wonderful

whew, thanks for that comment.
When T was setting me up for appts she said she had to write on the forms my goal for therapy, and I was speechless (the ACOA "lost child" is no good at setting goals, just going with the flow)

No words came, then I just reached down inside and said, " I want to be able to LET GO." She didn't ask for any details, but just wrote that down. Looking at the course that she set after that (the timeline and all), I think she understood very well.

[chaotic13]

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

No words came, then I just reached down inside and said, " I want to be able to LET GO." She didn't ask for any details, but just wrote that down. Looking at the course that she set after that (the timeline and all), I think she understood very well.

I wonder, how different our definition of LET GO is? I would imagine that the basic feeling we want is probably very similar. But what things we imagine as Letting Go would likely be very different. As I think about it, if I had been asked last year to give examples of someone who has the ability to just Let Go they would be different than what I would write today. More evidence that there has been a shift in perspective.

[sittingatwatersedge]

it's not simple, and probably not the same for everyone (although for you and for me, possibly so)

how's this for letting go...

To leave behind the caterpillar, which can see only to the end of its own little twig;

To leave behind the darkness and confusion of the chrysalis

And emerge... at last... as the butterfly one's Creator always intended one to be.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

how's this for letting go...

To leave behind the caterpillar, which can see only to the end of its own little twig;

To leave behind the darkness and confusion of the chrysalis

And emerge... at last... as the butterfly one's Creator always intended one to be.

That sounds quite wonderful.

[searchingmysoul]

When I started T just under a year ago, I couldn't imagine being where I am today. Which is a totally messy, feeling, emotive, whacked out place. (From a previously unshakable and rock solid exterior it does not feel like a very good place.) I cannot imagine where I will be in year from now. Due to this- I can't imagine anything that isn't possible...

I guess I just have to remain completely open...

[Simcha]

Originally Posted by chaotic13

myself:

* crying in therapy
* moving to another seat without caring what T might read into it
* feeling comfortable enough to say anything that comes to mind and knowing that the relationship can withstand it.
* admitting I need a hug
* feeling comfortable enough to ask for a hug
* feeling real authentic passion for some one
* thinking of myself and not feel guilty
* talking openly with others about love, how I feel about them (good and not so good)

When I think back a year ago and recall the things that I read here and said... "Damn I would never able to do that!" Or "Wow,I can't believe people actually talk about THAT!" Or "I will never be that attached to someone" or "I can never see myself wanting something like that" or "I'll never have someone like that in my life." Or "I'm not capable of feeling that."

I'm amazed at the difference one year makes. How many of the things I can do, that 12 months ago I could't even imagine even wanting to do.

What are some things that at this very moment that you cannot ever see yourself doing, but admire others for being able to do?

My T offered that I switch chairs once... it felt too odd for me to sit in his chair, so I said no... but I thought it was a cool suggestion.

I think I'll play musical chairs next session... I'm one of the fortunate ones whose T works right up until Dec. 24th (I see him 23rd).

Your chair comment made me think of this for some reason.

ADHD running wild tonight... sorry; I know you understand Chaotic.

[Simcha]

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

whew, thanks for that comment.
When T was setting me up for appts she said she had to write on the forms my goal for therapy, and I was speechless (the ACOA "lost child" is no good at setting goals, just going with the flow)

No words came, then I just reached down inside and said, " I want to be able to LET GO." She didn't ask for any details, but just wrote that down. Looking at the course that she set after that (the timeline and all), I think she understood very well.

Is part of letting go... being able to be completely open with your T?

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by Simcha

Is part of letting go... being able to be completely open with your T?

It is for me, at least i try to be so.
Sometimes in session I step outside of myself and think how very strange it is that i am sitting there discussing THIS with anyone - but what else am i there for? however I still fight crying in her presence.

Chaotic,
It sounds like you've made a lot of progress! Great thread, BTW

I wonder what Ts do think when you move seats? Like, is there some kind of meaning behind it? I ask this because I have sat in the chair instead of the couch on a few occasions, lol. What could this mean? This might be a clue, but I'm not sure: When I was having difficulty with T (negative transference), when I would start saying something negative, he would move chairs. He said that it helps to somehow create a new perspective sometimes.

I am in awe of people who have gone through therapy AND termination. I can't imagine myself ever doing that.

[chaotic13]

searchingmysoul said:
When I started T just under a year ago, I couldn't imagine being where I am today. Which is a totally messy, feeling, emotive, whacked out place.

I feel this way in therapy... but luckily I've maintained the illusion of "solid as a rock" image of therapy. The thing is deep down inside I know the unflappable me is a lie. I want to find a representation of me that fits better than either of these versions.

I shared a drawing with my T of me (a representation of me) lying in bed. It was a manikin (android) looking figure. It had the chest plate removed and propped against a wall. The chest plate looked like the one on a CPR manikin. The figure had a whole in the chest with the heart removed and wires disconnected and scattered all around were tools, instruction manuals, and an ACME boxes (I used to like watching the RoadRunner cartoon). The figures head had a portion of the scalp removed showing a computer looking brain also with wires hanging out. I wish I didn't show this drawing to my T, because I would have scanned it and shared it here.
This drawing was very detailed and represented how I feel at the moment. I just feel like a machine that is attempting (and on that day--failing)to repair itself.

The day I showed the image to my T, she asked me...do you think your friends could even imagine this could possibly be you? I said, NO.

Searchingmysoul have faith... you may be feeling like a wreck on the inside, you may even be presenting yourself like that in therapy, but chances are the outside world has no idea what is going on. In my case my friends are not seeing the broken me, they seem to be seeing someone who is slowly evolving and they are responding positively to the changes.

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by chaotic13

I shared a drawing with my T of me (a representation of me) lying in bed. It was a manikin (android) looking figure. It had the chest plate removed and propped against a wall. The chest plate looked like the one on a CPR manikin. The figure had a whole in the chest with the heart removed and wires disconnected and scattered all around were tools, instruction manuals, and an ACME boxes (I used to like watching the RoadRunner cartoon). The figures head had a portion of the scalp removed showing a computer looking brain also with wires hanging out. I wish I didn't show this drawing to my T, because I would have scanned it and shared it here.
This drawing was very detailed and represented how I feel at the moment. I just feel like a machine that is attempting (and on that day--failing)to repair itself.

Sounds like one of the characters from The Wizard of Oz.

[chaotic13]

sittingatwatersedge,

I like the caterpillar analogy... I just wonder if at the end I'll turn out to be a grey colorless moth.

Simcha, instead of physically moving around, I tend to go into thumper mode.

It would be wonderful just to feel like I could just LET GO of the anxiety and speak without having my BP go off the scale. I think I had a little success with the ridiculus integrative exercise I did last session. Although my purge reaction was probably not the intended outcome, I did feel like my BP had lowered and the weight sitting on my chest was a little lighter. This technique might not be effective in reprogramming my response to touch, but maybe it can help me achieve the letting go objective and reach a feeling like I am more relaxed and open in my communication.

[searchingmysoul]

(((((chaotic13)))))

Thank you for this. Really. I don't have much faith right now. In fact, I am freakin' scared and wigging out (inside). This means a lot.

Originally Posted by chaotic13

I feel this way in therapy... but luckily I've maintained the illusion of "solid as a rock" image of therapy. The thing is deep down inside I know the unflappable me is a lie. I want to find a representation of me that fits better than either of these versions.

I shared a drawing with my T of me (a representation of me) lying in bed. It was a manikin (android) looking figure. It had the chest plate removed and propped against a wall. The chest plate looked like the one on a CPR manikin. The figure had a whole in the chest with the heart removed and wires disconnected and scattered all around were tools, instruction manuals, and an ACME boxes (I used to like watching the RoadRunner cartoon). The figures head had a portion of the scalp removed showing a computer looking brain also with wires hanging out. I wish I didn't show this drawing to my T, because I would have scanned it and shared it here.
This drawing was very detailed and represented how I feel at the moment. I just feel like a machine that is attempting (and on that day--failing)to repair itself.

The day I showed the image to my T, she asked me...do you think your friends could even imagine this could possibly be you? I said, NO.

Searchingmysoul have faith... you may be feeling like a wreck on the inside, you may even be presenting yourself like that in therapy, but chances are the outside world has no idea what is going on. In my case my friends are not seeing the broken me, they seem to be seeing someone who is slowly evolving and they are responding positively to the changes.

Originally Posted by Soliaree

Chaotic,
It sounds like you've made a lot of progress! Great thread, BTW

I wonder what Ts do think when you move seats? Like, is there some kind of meaning behind it? I ask this because I have sat in the chair instead of the couch on a few occasions, lol. What could this mean? This might be a clue, but I'm not sure: When I was having difficulty with T (negative transference), when I would start saying something negative, he would move chairs. He said that it helps to somehow create a new perspective sometimes.

This is interesting. When I used to be feel little and playful in therapy, T and I would trade seats sometimes just to play. I don't know if he'd ever done it before because as sat on the couch he looked around and said "wow, everything looks different from over here!"

T sits with me on the couch now. Recently, I was going to a bad place in my head, getting really distrustful of him, thinking he was pushing me away. He told me to stand up. So we both stood up and then we switched sides of the couch and sat back down and it was like a magic T trick - my brain totally switched into a different mode, and I couldn't even remember what I was feeling so paranoid about before....

Therapy is so freaking mysterious sometimes!