Last Session with old Therapist

I went to see my old Therapist for the last time today as I began seeing a new one. I didn't know how I was going to break the news to her so I decided to let it be like any other session and was going to break the news near the very end.

Well, it wasn't the best. My mom passed not too long back and it hit me all of a sudden last night. I had balled my eyes out. I ended up writing a letter to my mom just to get out what I was thinking.

I told my T that that had happened and I talked about some of the issues going on with my dad since my moms death, put it this way he is being a complete ***** hole. There is no exageration there, all of my siblings are extremely upset with him. He's not even planning on coming to our christmas dinner because he allowed some women to talk him out of it.

Anyways, I was talking about this with my therapist some, and she said why don't you tell your siblings how you feel. I said you don't understand I have been thier protector in a sense for years. I am the one they always come to, I just can't go to them and tell them how I really feel. They need me for that support. I can't burden them with me.

Then she drops the bomb on me. She says the word "resistence". I didn't know what to say. I have tried really hard in therapy. I have even confronted my dad about stuff, but being vulnerable is way to difficult for me. Then she says, you are self sabotaging your Therapy. Your using it to say, well I tried but it didn't work.

I started crying, saying I do want to heal, I do want to do these things but I just don't know how. I don't know how to do what you are asking. I was a mess for a bit, then she says what did you hear me say. I said I heard you say pretty much that this is not working for me. That maybe in 5 months from now I will be in the exact same spot.

Then I broke the news, I said I came here today with the intention of telling you I needed a break (because at that point, I could not get the nerve up to tell her I was seeing someone else). Then she says so you changed your mind. I said no, I think I need the break.

Then she says, I didn't say that stuff to make you want to stop, I said it to encourage you to work through the resistence.
At this point I was so upset. I said, I know this is so stupid, that its so easy, yet, I just can't do it. It's all my fault. What's the sense of coming, I'm just waisting your time. I felt like a complete loser.

I left there a mess. She acted like her usual self, like everything was fine, no change of emotions nothing. Meanwhile, I was thinking I am a lost cause, completely hopeless, that even a therapist can't help me. She really doesn't get how hard this is for me. I really don't think she has a clue. With everything going on in my family, I really find it so difficult to deal with this as well.

I am so glad that I told her. I can't take seeing her anymore. I left there feeling like crap 90 percent of the time. I understand she needed to push me some, but being slammed much of the time was doing a number on me. She'e been counseling for 15 years why did I feel like she didn't have a clue?

Hangingon

((((Hanginon))))

You pain is valid. Your path can only be defined by you.

Take gentle care of yourself.

hanging on.

i'm sorry to hear about your mum's passing, and how your dad has been acting since. i'm also really sorry to hear about how you felt after your last session, and wanted to say that i relate. my therapist told me two sessions ago that i "wasn't trying hard enough" and it completely cut me to the core. i brought it up with him last time and he apologised sincerely, but i've since decided that it's not worth it. like you, i've left feeling worse rather than better, and i really think i've given therapy a fair go with him. i'm relieved i'm not going to see him anymore.

i hope you find peace with your new T. i just wanted to let you know that i hear you and think your feelings are completely justified.

Haningon,

You were under great stress involving your family issue and you're terminating therapy. Your T couldn't help with the 2nd issue, which wasn't just termination but that you were going to see someone new—that you had particular problems with that T. The current T might have treated you differently--she sounds like she was very aggressive had she understood that her role in your life was at the literal end. It sounds like she didn't even know you were terminating for certain at all. I imagine that she wouldn't have pushed you so hard because she thought you and she could work through things beyond that session. She overdid it, but she didn't know everything that was at stake with you, so she wasn't as sensitive as would have served you best.

My T has pushed me on several occasions (I think I'm the type of patient that need that at times). However, she seems to know when to back off a bit. I think your T either totally doesn't get that she is pushing too hard or she is being rigid in her approach and feels that it is necessary. When my T has pushed me and I have let her know it, she seems to accept that that path is currently blocked and she tries another approach or we work on something else for a while. I think although you feel like crap, you did pretty well. You told her know you were frustrated and needed a break. That is all she really needed to know. Maybe you just were ready for that approach.

I say engage in therapy with your new T. I will likely lead you down a different path. Sounds like that is what you need at the moment.

Hangingon...it sounds like a really difficult session, I commend you for how you handled it and how you stuck to your mission of informing her of the "break" despite all the difficult feelings. I hope that the new T will be able to provide the empathy, containment, and support this T has not been able to. As some wise folks here have written, it's all about the relationship with the T. I hope that the pain you're experiencing right now will ease as you continue your work with the new T.

(((hangingon))) i'm so sorry your last session didn't go as well as you would have liked, but in a way it seems to confirm why you felt you needed to leave. i think you did great telling her you needed the break. really, that is all you needed to tell her. your new t sounds like she's a breath of fresh air. i'm sure she can help you thru this rough patch. hang in there hanging on.

((((((((((Hangingon))))))))))))

She really doesn't sound like she was a very empathetic therapist. It does sound like you did the right thing, no matter how difficult it was (and I know it was). I'm really glad that you moved on. Now that you have experience with the bad, you know what to look for as "red flags" in any new therapist. That should help you avoid the potholes you ran into with your dysfunctional therapist.

The problems you are dealing with are hard enough without having to contend with a therapist who doesn't know how to help you. She didn't seem to understand what it was you were even relaying to her. I doubt she even realized that you were not coming back for more appointments with her. As difficult as this is for you, you did the right thing. If nothing else, take solace in the fact that you are doing everything that you can possibly do on your part. The therapist has to help get you well, and when they make it worse it's often not the patient who is at fault.

Hangingon--please hang in there some more. We'll see you over this hump.

Impatient,
I understand where you are coming from. I just think what she did was done at a totally inappropriate time. No she didn't know I was leaving. But I had just told her that the death of my mom was finally sinking it, that it hit me really hard the night before the session, why would a therapist drop such a bomb on someone at that point? I started crying after, was overwhelmed all, I never get really upset like that. All she did was look at me and say I didn't mean for it to overwhelm you, and then continued as usual, there's just no emotion with her, I left horrible.

Hangingon