What the hell even happened in therapy? (Long with rambling details)

Honestly, I have no idea. I can't even process the session because it's all mixed up and stuck.

It all started when I was sitting in my car, in the parking lot of 7-11, eating a hot pretzel. I had a lot of time between leaving work and my session, so I needed to at least grab something to eat. My phone rings, and it is T. He said, "Do you want to come to session early so we can have extra time? I don't know where you are at this point, but come early if you can." I said, "I'm at 38th and Market in the parking lot." He asks, "What are you doing in the parking lot?" I said, "I'm eating a pretzel!" And he said, "Well why are you eating a pretzel at 38th and Market?" So then I start getting all irritated, and I tell him, "I'm not just sitting in a lot, I'm in my car, and I'm hungry so I'm eating a pretzel!!!" By this time, T is laughing because he can tell when I start getting riled up. He said, "What are you trying to do, pick a fight?"

After we hung up the phone, I realized I was completely picking a fight, haha. I knew that the erotic feelings discussion was coming up, so I think I was setting up my defenses-- I would find something to get annoyed about so that I could walk in angry. (Who the **** picks a pretzel to get angry over?) But as a dear friend pointed out to me, my riled up banter is very much a part of how I flirt and play (not only with T, but with others in my life). It is just very much a part of my personality. So then I got pissed at myself because my defense isn't even my defense anymore-- it is like an extension of my erotic love, haha.

Of course I told T all of this when I got to session. I told him how much I appreciated that he called me, two weeks in a row, before session to tell me to come in earlier so we could have a longer session. And what do I do in response? Pick a ****ing fight over where I was eating my pretzel. T said, "What happened, did you get some bad mustard or something?"

I have no idea what followed. I told T about the rise in feelings. He said, "What feelings?" I said, "Do you ask this to: A) humiliate me; B) because you feel that it is important for me to verbalize feelings, even though you already know what they are; or C) because you really have no clue"

He said, "Sexual feelings?" I hung my head and said, "Yeah, that. And genuine, adult, love feelings, too. Not parental feelings. Not little kid feelings."

Then we talked about how transference overlaps with real feelings. I told him that I had the idea that he was dismissing my feelings as "just transference or projection" and not real. We talked about how most feelings towards people start out as transference, but become real.

Then I don't know what the **** happened from there. I really don't even remember. This is why I can't process anything. A big chunk of the session is missing. I remember getting up at the end and T said to call him when I got downstairs, and was outside.

When I got downstairs, there was a chaotic mess. T's office is on the same floor as the Israeli Embassy, and there was a rather large Palestinian protest going on outside of his building. Of course, I'm standing there snapping photos because I carry my camera with me everywhere.

T must have wondered where the hell I was because he asked me to call him when I got outside. He called me and he heard the chanting and the shouting in the background. He said, "What are you doing??" I said, "Uhhhh nothing... Uhhh well, this is a great photo opportunity... they probably don't like Jewish people, right?" (I'm Jewish, lol) T said, "Yeah you are right, now get out of there."

We only have one session this week because of New Year's Day. He told me that he would be looking to hear from me later in the week. Well later in the week turned out to be today, because I broke the contract a little bit, and was having suicidal ideation, so I left him a message to put a stop to my behavior, and asked him to call back. That was at like 2pm, but I haven't heard from him yet.

He has been so available lately, and I love him for that. I wish that he had called, but I understand that it is New Year's Eve and he might have to get back to me Friday or something.

Ah, I just remembered what we talked about during that chunk of time that seemed to be missing from my memory: suicidal ideation.

pinksoil,

Imsure its the holiday thing thats why he hasnt got back to you yet - he sounds like a very good T and a nice caring person.

Do you think you had the SI because of the stress of talking to him about your feelings? are you ok now?

try to think of all the good things in your life, get out and go and see a funny movie or watch a funny dvd - even if you dont feel like it -eat a pretzel eek! maybe not! - ring a friend or a helpline if you cant get hold of T - be kind to yourself - ask yourself if i were my friend what would i say to me?

take care P7

Pink,
I think it's so awesome that you can talk about your feelings with your T. I can see how doing so at times may cause you to space out. It's rough talking about feelings period, and not receiving the response you wanted/needed to hear is hard. Vulnerability just plain s*cks...

You have a great T, even if he does pull your strings at times It shows that you two have a great relationship.

Hangingon