[peaches100]

JOURNALING - UNSENT LETTER

Dear ***,

I am feeling so sad today. Our therapy doesn't feel like it is working. I have learned alot but am stuck with other problems that will not go away. At times, I feel such a strong urge to talk to you about my childhood traumas, abuse, and pain. I seem to feel at those times that if you would just hug me when I am in so much pain, and tell me how much you care about me, I would feel so much better. It feels like if I could be close to you in the way I've never been close with my mom, then I could heal. But you don't do that.

It is true that you sit with me and try to validate my feelings. But it doesn't help very much. It is nice to hear nice words. But they don't make the pain inside me hurt any less. Even though I know that you believe it is best for me if you withhold touch, because of things that happened to me in my childhood, it feels like you are leaving me to suffer with all that pain alone. It makes me feel hurt and angry because therapy causes me to remember and relive all of my old pain again and again, yet you do not reach out to comfort me in the way I need you to. I need you to be more than an observer of my pain. I need you to comfort me and help make it more bearable. When this does not happen, I end up feeling retraumatized again, just like when I was a child and was hurting and in need and my parents did nothing to stop it or comfort me.

We have talked about this many times before. When I get overwhelmed with pain and start decompensating, your solution is always to back off and return to working with me again to build up my own coping skills, so that I can tolerate my own pain better. But no amount of coping skills is great enough to offset the pain of looking at my past. If I am going to just sit and suffer the pain, while you look on, why even bring the painful experiences to mind? You keep telling me that peace will come as I let the pain out. But peace is not coming. The only thing talking about my childhood traumas does is make me feel very upset and depressed. I get a depressed feeling in my head that sometimes lasts for several days afterward and makes it hard for me to cope at work and home. Also, every time we talk about the nurturing I didn't get from my parents -- and the fact that we can't have an emotionally close relationship today -- it just revives all the unmet needs and longings. This makes me want very badly for you to nurture and care about me the way my parents could not. But it always ends in disappointment, hurt, and frustration because you can't be like a mother for me.

We have only 1 hour each week to take in your words of encouragement. I know you care about me, and you show that. You do acknowledge the part of me that feels like a hurting little girl. And I assume that for most people, this intermittent boost is enough to help them get over whatever humps have brought them to therapy, and to get on with their lives. But it falls so short of what I need to soothe and heal my pain inside. I have talked to you so very many times and have told you that I need you to sit next to me and hug or hold me while I cry, but you do not give me the type of comfort I did not receive as a child and feel desperate for now.

I am giving up now on the idea that you can help fill the empty hole inside me emotionally. You cannot be a mother or a friend. I cannot even count on you to be my therapist for much longer. Soon you will retire, and I will not have you in my life at all, except for perhaps an email once or twice a year to say hello. Pinning my hopes on our relationship so much is bound to lead to more pain and suffering when our relationship ends. It is crazy for me to think that you could love me like a mother would. I want so much to think that you deeply care about me and want to be in my life, when I know that you only care about me professionally. You want to help make my life better, but you do not want to remain a part of it.

I so much appreciate everything you have done, and are doing, to help me. But I realize that I need more than you can give me. This is deeply painful for me. Maybe it would be better if you refrained from saying or doing anything that might stir up my childish longings for nurturing. Maybe you should act less caring, so as not to let me entertain false hopes about the closeness of our relationship. I am thinking about forcing myself to avoid contacting you at all between sessions, by either phone or email, and not sharing any more poetry I've written that expresses my attachment needs. I am considering keeping to myself from now on the whole part of me that feels like a needy, wounded child. Perhaps no one can heal my brokenness except for God, and perhaps not until the New World to come.

I am aware of the aching pain inside me, and the unmet needs. I know why they are there. I can seek to understand them. Hopefully, some day I will be able to tolerate feeling them and accept them. But I am still a long way from that. Despite self-soothing skills you've taught me, and DBT skills, I still do not have inside me what I need to heal my own pain.

I am taking a break from therapy. I have cancelled my appointment for this week. Perhaps I will cancel next week also. I do not know how long I will wait until I come back to see you. The truth is that I already miss the sessions I will not be having. But maybe that is the best reason to take a therapy break. I need to rely upon you less and upon myself more. I need to prove to myself that I can function with less support from you, even if it hurts to go without. When it comes to having time with you -- when it comes to having your caring -- I need to learn to be satisfied with a little bit. I must give up the need I have for the type of emotional closeness and nurturing you cannot offer me. I am hoping this break will help me put aside the intense longing I have for you to be more involved in my life emotionally, and stop the need I feel for you to physically comfort me when I am crying and in deep pain. I do not know how I will do this. But I must try.

[peaches100]

Oh gosh. . .I am so sorry. Sorry to be a whiner. But I am sitting at my desk and work and crying. I can't do this. It HURTS!!!

[krazibean]

sounds like you are having trouble emotionally accepting the boundaries of the therapeutic relationship. oh how familiar that is to me. It took a lot of my T telling me that she is not there to fill my emptiness, but to help me look at it and find it elsewhere. she's there to help me learn to help myself. if my T or your T were to fill in our voids, and solve our problems, they would only be enablers and not helping us look at it. I can tell by your writing that you get that intellectually. It's the emotional part of you that doesn't get it or doesn't accept it. Try to put all your trust into your T that he/she knows what their doing. If he/she is setting a boundary not to coddle you, accept that because you trust they know what is best for you. Your T will mold you to be healthier by these boundaries he/she puts up. The attachment you have to your T is real. (common, too). It's ok to have needs and wants. But you're right, your T can only fill so much. I personally think that no matter how much she did, you would always feel a sense of emptiness because the person you wanted to get those things from didn't give them to you in the past. Thats what you have to look at and grieve that you did not get what you needed as a child, after that, the needs will decrease and become more reasonable for your T to satisfy.

(((((((((((((((((((((((Peaches))))))))))))))))))))))



What an honest, heartfelt letter. I wrote a similar letter to T earlier in therapy...and it did move things forward for us. Are you planning on sending it to her? It expresses how clearly how you are feeling, and how you are suffering, and what you need.

I'm sorry you are hurting so much. I've been there and I know how bad it feels

Sending you many peaceful thoughts and

[pegasus]

(((((((( peaches ))))))))

Might be a good idea to actually print this out and share this letter with T.

Just one thing to think about, if your T DID sit next to you and hug you, can you see any danger in that?

[peaches100]

Thank you for all of the comments and support so far. It helps. This is so hard!!! I don't know if I made it clear or not, but I'm a female and my t is also female. The longing for her to comfort me is completely platonic and there is no attraction there at all. So it seems to me that there would not be such a danger. But maybe I am wrong to want her to hug me while I'm in pain. I don't know. It just feels like such a human need to want that when you're hurting.

[coconut64]

Peache your pain and wanting touched me so deepy. Please give this letter to your T, please.

[peaches100]

Krazibean,

Your words were hard to hear -- that I am not accepting the boundaries of the therapeutic relationship. Maybe you are right. But it's not like I want her to be my friend and socialize outside sessions and such. It's just. . .I don't know. . .I guess I need more of a sense that there's a connection there and that she cares about and is touched by my pain somehow. There's something about just having her sit and watch me cry that hurts so badly. Even if she has a kind expression or says "I'm sorry that happened to you," there really is a part of me that feels like I am back as a little girl in crisis and nobody steps forward to even try to minimize the pain or stop the suffering. It hurts so much!

I don't know why this is such a big deal to me, but it is. Having her withhold what seems like it should be normal human comfort feels awful. Also, we have worked together for almost 10 years, so she really knows me. Don't we have a strong enough bond that she would want to reach out in this way?

It bothers me that my childhood SA is the main reason for her reluctance to give physical affection. Not only did I suffer wrong physical comfort/touch back then, but now I am not allowed to learn safe comforting physical touch with her. It feels like I'm being punished because of what happened to me back then.

I will have to meditate on what you've told me some more. This is just so hard for me.

[Sannah]

Peaches, I understand what you are saying exactly and I agree with you.....

[pegasus]

(((((((( peaches ))))))))

Psychologists are bound by rules and regulations where physical contact is not allowed. A touch with the hand is all that is permitted. So even if the therapist wanted to hug you, she cannot. The rules and regulations are put in place for very good reasons. I hope that your therapist shows you how much she cares for you in other ways.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by pegasus

Psychologists are bound by rules and regulations where physical contact is not allowed. A touch with the hand is all that is permitted.

Not here in the USA.......

[phoenix7]

oh peaches100 I am so sorry you are going through such pain, I have learnt to never let anyone close but even i think that it would help to be hugged - it wont happen - partly as others have said -its not alowed and the other part is i could never let it happen - but I feel your need to have the childhood needs met -maybe you can meet those needs - give the child in you the love it requires

I ache inside for the care and protection i was not given but i cant change that - i can only try to give myself that care and protection now - your letter spoke to my heart - cold as it is - I think showing this letter to your T would be good - emailing if you must and seeing them again while you can is a good idea - sometimes we are so scared of losing things that we push them away so we wont lose them and in so doing lose them anyway - dont waste the time you can still see your T - use it to help you deal with this - I dont know what else to say except

[RiverX]

Peaches,
Yeah, like Phoenix said, your letter to T. really stirred my heart too.
Hope these cyber responses are some help at least.
Your letter was so clear, so honest, and yes, so from the heart. You did such a good job of turning emotions into clear communication.

There was something in this post that troubled me, and this happens a lot for me on this forum, at the same time, I feel concerned and interested.

There are these theories in the Th. world about 'rewarding Vs not rewarding'.
I think the idea is that the person be helped to work through and face the truths of the past, in order to reunite in a stronger way with thier real selves, ie, become free.
But, in order to do this, I believe a special quality of support is needed. Something which says 'I, (T.) am deeply on your side, so you feel stengthened and that the relationship is deeply nurturing and strenthening.
The with holding of touch etc, is about not wanting to stiffle the pain, the real feelings by the immediate comfort. However, in the absence of that, you need to expereince something else instead, such as this strenthening and this feeling of the person being on your side to work through.
I'm not sure you're getting that feeling here sufficiently, and so it keeps you in that place of longing. This is my guess, i could be getting it wrong.
To give the reason for not touch as because of past sa, to me is indeed retraumatising, being punished for the very thing you came for to heal, like in fact making decisions based on, therefore empowering the abuse. Its not the right reason, touch may or may not be the right thing, but this is a really bad reason to give for withholding.

I've written a lot, but this has been troubling me and making me think. Hope I've made some sense.

riverx

[skeksi]

There's something about just having her sit and watch me cry that hurts so badly.

Is she simply watching you, or is she sharing your pain? I suspect that she probably feels quite torn up seeing you suffer, but she can't take the pain away. All she can do is support you and help you learn to bear it.

Your letter was eloquent, and I think worth taking in to T. Even though she can't change her policies, you can share with her how they make you feel.

[RiverX]

..........another thought, walking home, I'd been procssing some of my own things, and remembered what I'd read.
There is a whole different approach to treating trauma and treating character issues.
sa. is a form of trauma which also has toxicity with it. Its violation. I couldnt share here all about the differences, but I can tell you the literature which clarified this for me if you'd like.

river

[Angel_of_the_Past]

(((((((( peaches ))))))))

My heart goes out to you. I feel your pain and wish I could give you a real hug!
Angel

[peaches100]

I am so appreciative to each and every person who took time to respond. It truly does help. I've been slow coming back to this thread because it's so painful and I'm thinking through what everyone has said. . .

I don't know if I will share the letter with my t or not. I've shared with her many similar-type letters, very much open and from the heart. I'm not sure if this letter says much that has not already been said. I know that my t cares about me very much, but it seems we may be at an impasse on this issue. I feel that I **NEED** more tangible comfort if we process trauma, and am leaning toward telling t that I've decided I simply cannot contine trying to process trauma because it continually stirs up pain so deep that I can't find relief.

I'd said this before, and we've retreated back to building coping skills. But eventually, we find ourselves in the same place again -- smack in the middle of processing traumas, and me struggling emotionally to keep my head above water and stay functional, hurting too much to continue without some actual comfort taking place, not just symbolic attunement.

I don't know what to do. My t and I have at times switched to doing CBT or DBT temporarily, which is OK. But I am always getting triggered in the present by the past, and she says this is because I haven't worked through my old traumas. Also, the inner hurting part of me that has stashed away pain for decades pushes at me, aches at me, to get out. To somehow share and expel the pain and find peace. A purely intellectual, logic approach like CBT doesn't touch the parts of me that still feel fearful, hurting, and small. So we always end up going back to trying to process the traumas again. Then my inability to handle it again. I just don't seem to have the inner strength to endure my pain so as to process it.

I have an appt scheduled for this Wednesday and am not sure if I will go. I cancelled last week. I was still struggling with depressed feelings from the prior week, when we talked about some distressing topics about my parents. Then my folks came to town for a visit. I just couldn't handle talking or thinking about anything distressing. So I just compartmentalized my pain about things with my parents and past, so that I could relate with them as an adult and enjoy their visit.

I know many t's don't believe in using touch in therapy. I also understand why. But for some reason, it truly feels like my healing depends on this. I know it is not the "adult" side of me that needs this. I have people from time to time hug me in my daily life, at my job, or in my congregation. But these are people I haven't opened up to and am not close with. I can receive hugs from them in a nice but superficial way. There's not an attachment there, so there is no fear of rejection or abandonment. And it's between two equal peers. It's not coming from a place of need. In therapy, it's a much different part of me that needs a hug. It's the hurt, inner child part of me that feels so insignificant and damaged and needy and worthless and . . .when I get into a triggered state . . .feels afraid and alone and in danger.

I've tried to do self-soothing. I do it. I try to give myself what I need. I don't know why it doesn't work better. Maybe the adult me has been so depleted of feeling love and worth that I don't have anything to give to myself.

I need to keep reading your replies and thinking about this.

[peaches100]

PS - I am really sorry that I haven't replied to other people's posts. Once I can level out again and pull myself together, I hope to provide some support and encouragement to others. This seems like a really supportive community.

[RiverX]

Glad you got back.

"But for some reason, it truly feels like my healing depends on this. I know it is not ..........."

it seems really important to me that you honour what your intuitive is telling you. Dont force yourself. Go do some research if you need, take time out before taking yourself in there.
Theres nothing more precious than our hearts, minds and our integrity.
I have had to give up being lead by professionals and listen to my instincts, I have had to take time out of a situation, and thank God i did, it was the right thing. If you dont know, you can take time till the next step becomes clear, when a feeling about something comes from a strong inner voice, its nearly always right. respect it, (this is different from compulsion. )
Even if for now, you dont know whats possible and what will bring you to what you need, there are things out there to discover.

river

[phoenix7]

peaches100, i hear your pain and i wish i could help the child in me cries out for someone to comfort it - but the adult in me wont let it happen - and history repeats itself -

In oz i dont think T's are allowed to touch their clients - but somtimes you so want someone just to hold you til the fear is gone and the pain has been set free -

I hope you find a way to release the pain, and to heal P7

[Brightheart]

You mentioned having a need to be comforted. I'm wondering do you feel an emotional connection with your therapist? I felt a strong connection with mine and often times if I closed my eyes...it would feel as if he were holding me emotionally. Not the same as physical touch of course, but it was a feeling of being supported and loved for who I was. Are you feeling any of that with your T? I hope so.

I'm kind of relieved to know that I'm not the only one who would write emails to my T and never send them. Or send them...and then regret sending them or later be embarrassed by them.

I hope you are feeling better.

[peaches100]

I realize I haven't answered alot of good questions that have been asked. So I will start doing that.

Bether,

Yes, I do feel an emotional connection with my t, and sometimes I can close my eyes and bring up that feeling of comfort. But if it happens in a session, I seem to lose the feeling within a few hours or a couple of days. After that, it is harder to bring up the connected feeling again. Also, when we discuss traumas, I think I sort of dissociate and then become only aware of the feeling of danger and needing comfort or to be rescued, and can't get the sense that t is with me, even though she is there in the room. That is why I end up feeling retraumatized, because it felt like I went through the trauma all over again alone. And that is one reason why I've wanted her to give physical comfort at those times when I lose the sense that she is with me, or I can't "feel" it.

Phoenix,

Yes, you understand. It is this feeling: somtimes you so want someone just to hold you til the fear is gone and the pain has been set free -

RiverX,

Thanks for the suggestion to take the time I need to think things out. I have an appt set for today, but I've already told t that I don't want to do anything painful or any "big discussions." I've felt too overwhelmed lately and am not up for it. I told her I may actually just want to sit in the room. I skipped last session but am still thinking I may need to take a longer break to try to get things more settled in my mind. I don't know what the next step is, or how my t and I can over this hurdle.

Also, I'd like to know more about the information you have regarding the differences between treating trauma and character disorders. I am diagnosed with Complex PTSD which I've been told is PTSD with borderline some features (though I don't cut, rage, etc., more quiet or "acting in" type). Does this mean my treatment needs to be for both trauma AND character problems?

I think you may be right that my t does not want to physically comfort so as not to stifle the pain. But the pain is just too strong and horrible. I need comfort just to deal with it. I don't think if she sat next to me and held my hand or hugged me while I cried that it would take away the pain or keep me from processing it. But I would at least feel what it is like to have some actual soothing while I'm suffering so much. Without that, I just don't want to "go there" anymore because it hurts too badly to face all the pain I have inside me that has been stuffed down forever. I know my t is trying to give me feelings of support and connection to enable me to face my pain. But for some reason, it does not feel like enough.

I know I haven't replied to all the posts yet. More coming.

Angel,

Thanks for your empathy. I'll take that hug!

Skeksi,

My t does a little more than just sit there. Sometimes she says it's OK to get my feelings out or "Sorry you had to go through that." But I still experience it as though I am going through the trauma alone. It could be because when I was a child in crisis, there were several times my mom saw that I needed help but didn't take any action to literally respond to the crisis or provide tangible help or comfort. So when t sits there but does not come sit by me and comfort or try to bring me out of the pain to stop the crisis, it feels like she is letting me suffer/be abused all over again.

[peaches100]

Also, with all the talk in other threads about t attachment, and the comment made by somebody, "Why would you want to hug your t, cuddle your t, etc. . .I think I've made it pretty clear in my posts "why" I want this. It's not that I am trying to turn her into a friend, nor is there any attraction whatsoever. I don't expect her to socialize with me outside therapy sessions. I'm not expecting her to be in my life forever. But I am coming to therapy for healing. If that healing is so painful that I dissociate into feeling alone and in danger, or hurts so much that I end up depressed and only semi-functional for days afterward, then I need some kind of help to make it easier for me to confront my traumas/issues. For me, it feels like I need my t to sit next to me and hold my hand or hug me while I let the pain out. It seems like such a normal response to someone who is suffering or in pain. I don't understand why it is frowned on by so many. Why must comfort be withheld in order for the client to work through their pain? If a child was crying and inconsolable, would we refrain from picking them up and comforting them so as to get them to comfort themselves? Yes, I realize I am not a child. But I do have parts of me that feel like a child that I've split off from awareness. Why do t's think that healing will come by allowing our hurting child self to suffer the pain alone again without help, rescue, or comfort?

[hangingon]

Peaches, I can really relate to what you are saying. My mother whom I loved was very distant. She always in the house somewhere but usually not where I was. Emotionally, I don't think the connection with my mom was ever there.

I was also sexually abused by three different men, two whom were relatives. I have never been told that I can't have a hug by T, but I have never asked for one either.
When I was talking about something really difficult my old T would say I am here with you, your not alone, ect. I remember feeling the same exact way, I didn't like her sitting there just watching me.

I was thinking can you just come sit next to me ect. But I never asked her to. She alluded to something later to the effect of, you can't keep leaving little inklings of what you need, you need to ask. I don't know if she sensed I was needing that or not, and just didn't do it because I didn't ask.

I have often wanted my T to reach out like that, I think that would help solidify a connection for me with T because I have too hard a time connecting to people in general let alone T, but again, I don't think I would ever, ever ask. You are very brave.

Im not sure why a T would think that was helpful either. If someone had a issue with connection or safe touch, keeping people locked out ect, why not desensitize them by allowing safe touch?

Hangingon

[phoenix7]

I think it must be really difficult for T's there are boundaries they must not cross professionally and also personal boundaries - much as I want/need my T to hug me when I am in so much pain - if she did I would probably react badly - i dont like to be touched......but i want to be comforted ....if its this hard for us it must be almost as hard for them seeing the pain from the outside

and about other threads - we each find our own way - what is right for one is not right for another - you have to find what is right for you I wish i could allow my T to give me a hug and that they were allowed to - it could be very healing - but its not going to happen and I will work around that with these