[OliviaC]

Hi,

I have been seeing my psychologist for about six months now. She is very experienced and insightful. I don't have a really hard time talking with her but haven't gotten into really difficult subjects yet. I take a long time to trust a therapist, having had a bad experience previously.

This doctor is personable, likable, kind, etc. But I don't feel any transference for her at all! My previous therapist I wanted to know so much about her! I wanted to know where she lived, if she was in a relationship, etc.

This one lives in my town, not too far away from me, and I don't even care. What does this mean, if anything? SHould I worry since everyone seems to think that the transference is a big part of therapy?

thanks, Olivia

[sunrise]

SHould I worry since everyone seems to think that the transference is a big part of therapy?

Ummm, hi there, I don't think transference need be a big part of therapy, so I guess it's not everyone! But I do feel the relationship with the therapist is of utmost importance. Personally, I don't really think I have transference either. But I am very, very close to and securely attached to my therapist. I care deeply about him and know he cares about me too. He has helped me learn to recognize my feelings, not shove them away, open up, and trust myself to know my own path toward healing. My relationship with my therapist is very real and is based on our interactions and shared history and that we are very similar types of people. I don't need to invoke transference to explain any of that. We are very authentic with each other and our relationship is real.

If you are close to your therapist, can trust her, share difficult things with her, and are being helped by her, then I think you are doing good work and benifiting from therapy. Everyone's therapy is unique and if what you are doing is helpful, then you needn't feel your therapy is lacking because you don't feel exactly the same way you did with your last therapist.

This might be a good topic to talk to your T about and get reassurance.

I think it's important to realize there is a difference between transference and curiosity.

That being said, I don't believe it is possible to have an absence of transference in any relationship. Even if you interact with your T with the same pattern that you interact with someone else in your life (presently, or in your past), you are "transferring" relationship patterns.

To experience transference, you don't have to be in love with your therapist, you don't even have to be curious about where he/she lives.

Transference happens all the time. For example, you might even respond to the bank teller a certain way because, unconsciously, you felt she did something that reminds you of your mother.

[chaotic13]

I agree with what Pinksoil said... mainly because most of what I understand about transference has come from her... errrotic transference threads and the links people have shared throughout these discussions.

I sometimes think about my T and what goes on in her family from time to time. When I first started therapy I did: Google her, checked with a contact at our local hospital to see if their behavioral unit had any inside scoop on her clinical practice, and checked out her state license information. After that I've really had limited interest in digging into her personal life. I think I understand how important it is that I allow her to decide what I know and don't know about her personal life.

I think I experience some type of transference in therapy but I am not sure what the source is. My anxiety during therapy, reluctance to talk about certain things, feeling of being judged, distrust, and some of the paranoid assumptions I make ...seem displaced and don't make sense. When I think logically about how my T has treated me throughout the relationship...I shouldn't be dealing with these feelings when interacting with her. If her actions are not causing these reactions... then I assume they are residual effects from past (or current) relationships--hence transference.

Originally Posted by chaotic13

I agree with what Pinksoil said... mainly because most of what I understand about transference has come from her... errrotic transference threads .

Ahhh, you even spelled my transference correctly.

[sunrise]

I think there is some flex in the definitions of transference. I do believe we bring patterns from our past relationships to bear on all the relationships in our lives. But I don't call that transference with the non-therapists in my life, so I don't call it transference with my therapist either. To me it seems a given that our past would affect our present, and it is that way for me in all my relationships. It doesn't require a special name. When I see people calling it transference with their T, I wonder sometimes if they are hiding behind that term and not wanting to acknowledge that the feelings they have for their therapist (love? anger? expansiveness? frustration?) are very, very real? Why call it erotic transference when you are romantically or physically attracted to your therapist? Why not just say, "I am attracted to my therapist"? To me, I don't need the term "erotic transference" when we have words like "love" or "lust" in our language. Although I love my therapist, it is not transferential.

My view may be different from some people's or maybe not--it may be more a question of semantics than anything else. I saw a video interview fairly recently of Carl Rogers (one of the founders of the humanistic school of psychology), and my views on this seem to align with what he believed. So maybe my view has been colored by partipation in therapy with my therapist, who, although eclectic, follows most closely the humanistic school. Our relationship is mutualistic and real. (Although he and I have talked about our relationship many times, we have never talked about transference, except in a weird case where an ego state of mine reacted negatively and all out of proportion to a particular person in my life. I think maybe that was "transference" although I was never able to identify the source of it in my past.)

[Bleah]

Originally Posted by chaotic13

I think I understand how important it is that I allow her to decide what I know and don't know about her personal life.

...

My anxiety during therapy, reluctance to talk about certain things, feeling of being judged, distrust, and some of the paranoid assumptions I make ...seem displaced and don't make sense. When I think logically about how my T has treated me throughout the relationship...I shouldn't be dealing with these feelings when interacting with her. ...

Hi, I'm curious why it is important for her to decide.


My struggle is still that even though T has treated me well during our relationship, saying that she doesn't judge me, feel angry with me, isn't going anywhere, etc. - I don't believe her. I feel that she has to say those things because they contribute to a therapeutic relationship. What therapist is going to say "God, you bore the hell out of me, I'm sickened by the things you've done, and I'm counting the minutes until you decide you're done with therapy."

[Nanette]

Originally Posted by OliviaC

Hi,

I have been seeing my psychologist for about six months now. She is very experienced and insightful. I don't have a really hard time talking with her but haven't gotten into really difficult subjects yet. I take a long time to trust a therapist, having had a bad experience previously.

This doctor is personable, likable, kind, etc. But I don't feel any transference for her at all! My previous therapist I wanted to know so much about her! I wanted to know where she lived, if she was in a relationship, etc.

This one lives in my town, not too far away from me, and I don't even care. What does this mean, if anything? SHould I worry since everyone seems to think that the transference is a big part of therapy?

thanks, Olivia

Hi, That is interesting about the no transference thing. I too feel this way about my therapist and, I think, for the same reason. She doesn't live anywhere near my home but I really could care less. I know she has a child and that's about that only personal thing I do know about her. I have been seeing her for about 6 months and still I feel no differently. In a previous situation I felt overwhelmed with the personal stuff of my therapist and was so relieved when I ended it. Maybe in time that will change for both of us. Don't really know.

[imapatient]

Just because you don't think you have transference doesn't mean you don't. The simples like thinking about where they, etc. is, as pink said, curiosity. Sexual feelings are a little deeper. But a big part of transference is that you don't recognize it at play; it doesn’t announce itself explicitly. As your therapy goes on, you begin to recognize it, i.e. how your relationship with your T is playing out issues from past relationships you've had. And you do that with the input of T in many respects, not recognizing it all on your own. Just because things aren’t as they were with a different T doesn’t mean there’s no transference.

If your T was commenting on whether there was any transference yet, I bet T's answer would differ from yours.

[kim_johnson]

I've had a variety of transference experiences. They vary depending on the therapist and they alter over time with the same therapist, too.

I've seen a few therapists that I had difficulty feeling attached to. I would go and chat with them... And I guess I'd think about them a little outside therapy... But not a great deal. And I didn't feel particularly attached to them. I'd sometimes miss appointments because I forgot. I wasn't terribly upset if they took time off or whatever. Sometimes the relationship would end because I'd forget to go and then just not be bothered going back.

Avoidant attachment, I think it is called. Didn't feel like any kind of attachment to me. At some point... I turned away from my Mother. Found it hard to feel anything at all for her. Think that this is something that comes out with certain physical characteristics of the therapist (older females most notably - especially if they are a little harsh and / or I can't engage with them intellectually).

With guys things tend to be a little different. If there isn't an intellectual engagement then things are hard. That is really important to me. If they like to talk (and aren't very good at listening) then that is kinda hard... But most of the guys I've seen I develop quite a strong attachment to. Mostly fatherly and sometimes erotic.

My current t is weird. I have had a few females (younger and kind of gentler I guess and more intellectual) who I had this... Maybe older sister kind of attachment to. but a bit of neediness and stuff too...

Hard to know whether sometimes best to move on to get the right fit... Or sometimes best to persist and the dynamic will alter over time. Hard to know.

Sometimes I wonder... If a significant part of therapy is about working through transference... Then will I need to have therapy for all of those kinds of attachments? They are all ****ed up for me (in their own special way). Lol. I don't know.

[ClinicallyClueless]

No matter what you call it transference happens all the time with everyone not just patients/clients. It could be on a conscious level or an unconscious level, but it occurs all the time. I'm sure that it is occurring with your therapist. I wonder if you are hiding behind this as a way not to get closer with deeper issues. Just speculation. It doesn't matter if you feel it or not what matters is that you can talk to your therapist and that she is helping you to get better.

Just my opinion.

[chaotic13]

Bleah said, I'm curious why it is important for her to decide.

I don't know it this is important for anyone else. Just for me, I need to accept the therapuetic relationship for what it is. I think I am like this in most of my relationships. I don't actively dig for additional information. I figure if people want me to know something, they will tell me.

I don't believe her. I feel that she has to say those things because they contribute to a therapeutic relationship.

I struggled with this too. These thoughts still trouble me sometimes. But I try to tell myself, it doesn't really matter. All that matters is that she seems genuine when I am there.I may be just another freak she deals with as part of her job, but if that's the case my T hides it really well.

[chaotic13]

I just wanted to say.. I get what Sunrise said about not all feelings a patient has towards his/her T is transference. Any time you interact with someone you're likely to have feelings about it. For me transference is when the feeling you have don't seem to fit with the relationship. In my case, my fear about disclosing,being attack with what I said later, and being judged and rejected don't seem to fit with what I experience when communicating with my T.My T has never reacted this way, yet I still have these fears and they are very powerful. It doesn't make sense, so maybe the fear is associate with someone else or some past interaction. Maybe this is something transfer or assigned to her that doesn't belong to her.

[OliviaC]

Sorry I have not been online for a while.....thanks for all of your replies. I saw my T again today after an absence of 3 weeks (which was not a big deal to me).

I will try to accept that the feelings I have for her, even though not loving or curious or wanting to be close, are still transference. I have to ask myself if she were to suddenly be out of my life forever for any reason, would I be upset and the answer is "yes", so maybe that is transference (or fear of rejection, lol).

I also found out today that I either have lupus or a bad case of rosacea, waiting for a forthcoming biopsy report this week, so it's been stressful, to say the least!

OliviaC

[hangingon]

Olivia
I was the exact same way with my last T. I actually just switched to a new therapist this month for that very reason.
Somehow I think its just me, as I am like that with pretty much everyone in life. But I thought that it may be good to see someone else to see if I could actually connect a little better and perhaps open up more. So far I have felt more relaxed with her.

I understand how you feel. Therapy is hard enough in itself. I think the relationship itself is a very important part of it. If you are seeing progress then its probably fine. You would know that best.

Im really sorry about the stress you are facing right now, I hope everything turns out ok.
HUGS

Hangingon

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by OliviaC

I will try to accept that the feelings I have for her, even though not loving or curious or wanting to be close, are still transference.

Why? Maybe you don't have transference feelings for her. That's OK!

I have to ask myself if she were to suddenly be out of my life forever for any reason, would I be upset and the answer is "yes", so maybe that is transference

Not necessarily. She has been helpful to you, nice to you, etc. Of course, you would be upset if she died or moved or something. I would feel the same way toward my milkman, who is a super nice guy, always delivers the milk on time, rain or shine or snow, and gave me a little Christmas card. Calling everything transference diminishes the reality of your relationships.

Sorry to hear about your medical test. Hope it comes out well. That's very stressful to wait for test results.

Originally Posted by chaotic13

I just wanted to say.. I get what Sunrise said about not all feelings a patient has towards his/her T is transference. Any time you interact with someone you're likely to have feelings about it. For me transference is when the feeling you have don't seem to fit with the relationship.

Yes, exactly. That's why my relationship with my T is not primarily transferential. It's real, based on our shared history and interactions. We have spent many hours of intimate conversation with each other, so of course we're close. On the other hand, as I mentioned before, the extreme reaction of one of my ego states to that other person in my life was just like you said, chaotic--it completely didn't fit! So yes, I believe that was transference (my T even suggested that to me).

[chaotic13]

Originally Posted by sunrise

I would feel the same way toward my milkman

You still have a Milkman! How great is that!

Yes, exactly. That's why my relationship with my T is not primarily transferential.

For the most part I don't think mine is primarily transferential either. I think that is why I am able to try and challenge some of my irrational/misplaced fears. When I think back and analyze what she actually DOES and how I feel about it... I conclude that, I've stayed with her because I like her. I don't like the fear and some of the emotions that she seems to trigger or that surface during some of our exchanges. But usually when my head clears I realize these feelings seem to come from where else. My problem is ...figuring out WHERE they come from and how to disconnect them from relationship where they don't belong.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by chaotic13

....I try to tell myself, it doesn't really matter. All that matters is that she seems genuine when I am there.I may be just another freak she deals with as part of her job, but if that's the case my T hides it really well.

ow, ow, ow.... !! (((((((((( chaotic13 ))))))))))

My T is a widow and a grandmother, and never a session goes by that I don't learn somewhere along the way that she is going to travel with her family or is having them over or they are having her over... I sense that she stays so close to them because of the pain she has to soak up from people like me every day.

They call Ts part of the helping profession - I truly believe that if Ts saw their clients as freaks they would eventually crumble; no one could sustain the load. OK there are probably Ts who have faults (well we all have faults) but they have to be in it to help - they won't get rich doing this work.

Still it's a very strange relationship, isn't it. Sooooo close to you, and at the same time still at arm's length. Present and yet elusive to the point of being a bit maddening. And as for terminating - I can't even picture it.

[chaotic13]

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

Still it's a very strange relationship, isn't it. Sooooo close to you, and at the same time still at arm's length. Present and yet elusive to the point of being a bit maddening.

I like the way you put this...today.

I'm sitting in the waiting room this very minute and my hair on my arms is standing straight up...WHY? Not sure where some of these reactions come from. And to think...I pay for this!