A ****** and TIME

THERE'S NEVER ENOUGH TIME IN THE . .. THERAPY HOUR

I just saw my T. I was telling him how much progress I thought I had made, that I thought that the attachment issue had become slightly better. Well, I had to open my big ****ing mouth. Then like an idiot, at the end of session I told him, "I really don't want to leave." The attachment pull was monolithic -- I probably changed the tides, lol (MOON - you are NO match for me!). I thought that this intense feeling had lessened but it has smacked me right in the stomach!
At the end, I said, "I'll miss you," and he said, "I really hope you have a great time!." I wanted him to grab onto my leg begging me to stay just one more hour so he could hear everything that was in my mind (lol, I don't think that's too much to ask). Unfortunately, that did not come to pass.

My T was empathic and wonderful as always. I had difficulties including not being able to formulate any type of coherent idea. I disclosed a few more things in verbage that allowed me to be numb, but I didn't think it would worry me this much. I feel like @#$@#$@#@#$@#. Intellectually, I suspect he took it okay, but emotionally I'm worried that I just make him totally disgusted. These worries are consistent with my past worries. I know this. I know T is there to help me. I'm not compelled to shove all of this off on him. I KNOW IT'S ME, whoever me is.

My feelings are intense but I'm almost grounded, not fully right now. My emotions are being reminded of the reality of the therapeutic relationship. The reality that is so hard to take is that he CAN live without our therapeutic relationship. He CAN let me go without being effected as much as I would be. This is so heartbreaking. I think at the core of this is the feeling that I'm worthless. It's like, "Who could ever be affected by me?" IRL I feel that many others are somehow better than I am and that they know so much more than me.

The *itch
Years ago, I went to a general practicioner. I guess I presented as a hypochondriac to the Dr. (it is actually PTSD issues) or whatever. I had been waiting for this Dr. for a long time and I was admittedly irritated. When she came in, the the Dr. (who was using a really stern voice) told me that I did NOT not have a thyroid problem (I was having major fatigue, etc.), and said, "I AM NOT GOING TO PUT YOU ON A SYNTHETIC HORMONE if your tests don't say you need it. THAT I CAN ASSURE YOU! She was such a @#$@#$@#$. Anyway, as I said, she could tell I was irritated when she walked in because she commented on it. After she said what I just wrote, I started balwing. She then proceeds to say, "I'm not a psychiatrist or anything, but you appear to have bipolar disorder."

I am SOOOOO ANGRY AT this DR. because at the time it made me feel like I was a total ****ing idiot. What I hated the most was that she treated me like I was merely trying to get attention when that wasn't the case at all. And add her comment on bipolar disorder when she didn't evenknow me, I wasn't an established paitent. Her diagnosis was ****ing brilliant. Totally off. I left the office just massively bawling but still had to pay at the desk when I left. I swear, I was so angry, but there was NOTHING I could do. At the time, I didn't know much about psychological diagnoses, but common sense should tell you to say something a little more kind, but that would have meant she would have had to be kind, and she wasn't.

I felt SO powerless and stupid. I told my T that "IF ONLY I had gone through that now. . ." I say that because I think that my knowledge = power. THIS IS WHAT I NOW WANT TO SAY TO THIS ****ING *****:

"You thought I might be bipolar but you ****ING didn't refer me to a therapist. Instead, you thought you'd bring your own ****ing brilliant insight into the room. Well, thanks for the trauma you ********. You know so much about bipolar, how about finding a little bit out about PTSD? You know, the people who have difficult feeling because they are numb? The people who desperately want someone to help them because they just don't understand feelngs, someone to listen to them compassionately? I KNOW she treated me in an unethical way (IMO). I would love nothing more than to go back and tell her how damaging what she did was and to EDUCATE HER about people with trauma in their background.
I am really so ****ing angry! I feel like she treated me like !@#!@, judged me, and that there's nothing I can do about it. What a horrible position I was in. I NEVER want to feel like that again.

During today's session, I wanted SO BADLY to keep talking to T and going ON and ON and ON and ON. There were so many other things that I wanted to say.
Unfortunately, I talked incessantly so he barely got a word in edgewise. I even talked over him - I hate it when I am so disorganized like that!!!! I told him how much I appreciate him.

Seriously, I can't understand -- HOW could he possibly care about me? I've done so many horrible things that I wonder if I deserve him or anyone else who is kind to me for that matter. I'm so angry at myself right now.

I'm afraid that T is going to be offended at some of the things I said. I know I shouldn't worry about what others think, but I'm not cured yet. Saying this, I know that these fears aren't proportional to reality and that I just need to sit with them. That's what I'm doing as I have no other choice. What else can I do? I don't want to call him and drive him further away because I'm so ****ing needy. I really feel like another session this week would be good, but I don't want to ask him because I don't want to hear no. It would feel like another person telling me that even though I feel like I need a session, I don't really know what I feel. This is so upsetting to me. I wish I was integrated. I hate when I'm forced to sit with my emotions. But that's the goal. Finally, I'm doing something I should be doing, something I hate. .

ALIENS, ABDUCT ME NOW!!!!!!!!! Your experiments DO NOT scare me! (LOL). I do ask that you make sure to fix my overactive attachment system and my oscillating emotional system. It's the least you can do as I'm giving up my live body for experimentation.

Whew! Nothing like raw emotions. Thanks for letting me vent.

[phoenix7]

Soliaree,

Ok Ive got the image of your T being dragged across the floor whilst holding on to your leg shouting no dont leave me! out of my head LOL

Its hard isnt it (understatement of the year) - you have to let them in to get help - let them see the turmoil, the darkness within, but then you are afraid that once they see that they will back off at the speed of light muttering eek! shes really crazy let me outta here !

Ive talked over my old T before - I felt like a complete moron! great! That'll show how little control I have and yes an hour is never enough there should be normal hours (60mins) and T hours (as long as it takes)

as to your dr - grrrr a little knowledge is a dangerous thing! people really shouldnt say stuff like that when they dont have the knowledge to make that decision - I had a dr once casually say to me after a blood test - geez that whatever it was is high - we only see that in people who have cancer ... do you have cancer? eek! moron alert!

as to the aliens, sorry they came and took me last week and brought me back within 2 mins, apparently they are scared of people with pTSD

take care and be kind to yourself P7

((((((Phoenix))))))),
You'll never know how much your reply helped me! The emotions come up sometimes and take over. It's so nice to have supportive people - especially ones with a sense of humor




Here's my ride. I've gotta go. Thank you so much for your reply. It really meant a lot.!

[phoenix7]

oooh I soooo want that spaceship....come back you forgot me!!!!!

[MissCharlotte]

((((Soli))))

sigh. I am with you sistah!

The pain of the attachment is all there for a reason--so we can work through our trauma. I don't think it's a negative--at least not at this moment. But just this afternoon I had the thought that perhaps I wasn't supposed to be attached, that I had made a mistake. Oy.

Oh, btw, my thyroid doc said, "leave the thyroid alone."............

They only believe the bloodwork. If need be, find a doc who will listen to YOU.

((((((((((((((((((((((((Soli!!)))))))))))))))))))))))))))

The therapy relationship can be painful, no doubt about it. ALL of that opening up, attachment, exposing our "real" selves...and then in 50 minutes, it's "bye, see you next week". If a friend treated me like that, I'd find a new friend!!

BUT - the therapy relationship really IS a unique one, and (hopefully) worth the pain and angst of the attachment so we can actually heal and be whole. At least, that's what I hear

As for your doctor - ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SO not okay.

If the aliens see this message and come to get you, please tell them you changed your mind. I would miss you!

[sittingatwatersedge]

P7 you are hilarious. thanks!

Soliariee -
what you wrote about the Dr who doesn't know a thing about working with PTSD people - you said that very well and I hope you will have an opportunity to actually tell her somehow - she needs to hear it! Imagine that they let this gal deal with the public.

T called me today and said that there are no spaces available to fit me in by Friday. He said that he would continue to try to do that but if he couldn't, it would be a phone call.

Intellectually, I am fine and agree with that. No problem. Emotionally, Ugh, I want those emotions to leave! They have totally been excommunicated. I want to be an appreciative, empathic person but my emotions refuse to let me do it. My emotions that are being brought up are those of feeling totally worthless, like I'm not good enough for him to make sure that I had a session. (I know this is irrational, but I need to get it out). I feel like I'm not anything but a patient, but that's what I am. I'm so hurt.

It's so hard because you have to separate reality with how you are feeling. I always feel guilty for my emotions horrific thoughts/behaviors. My T doesn't owe me anything. He's going out of his way to help. And what do I do? I cause him pain, make him feel helpless, do horrible acting out behaviors, and be the self-centered nothing that I am.

I know I have to deal with the hand I was dealt, but it ****ing sucks. So much is going on. I have so much in my head that I want to tell T before I leave. I'm just a huge crybaby. I hate myself with a passion.

Originally Posted by Soliaree

And what do I do? I cause him pain, make him feel helpless, do horrible acting out behaviors, and be the self-centered nothing that I am.

.

You don't do ANY of these things, soli. You are NOT responsible for your T. He is there for YOU. You are not a baby, you are not a self-centered nothing. You are a caring, fun, wonderful person who is working really really hard to heal.

It makes my heart hurt to hear you say these things. Please be gentle with you....

Sending and and xoxoxoxox!

I'M STUCK IN THE SAME PATTERN.

MY T RIGHT NOW IS THINKING OF TO WHOM TO REFER ME. He said he'd never make me leave, but that he might want me to if I get stuck. Well, I'm stuck. I want so badly to appreciate everthing he is doing now, trying to get me in. BUT MY EMOTIONS WON'T LET ME!!!!!!!!!! What the **** is WRONG with them? They are telling me that I'm not important, that other patients are. I'm not really special/unique. I wish but will never have whatever the **** it is that I want. I hate feeling this way. I want to be normal. **** THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am so alone.
I am so alone.
I am so alone.
I am so alone.
I am so alone.
I am so alone.
I am so alone.
I am so alone.
I am so alone.
I am so alone.

I"m going to take my sleep meds so I can just feel unconscious and not feel my emotions. Wish me luck. See you in the morning. I hope the sandman takes away these hideous feelings. I feel like such a loser.
Nighty Night.

[hangingon]

Hugs I am sorry you feel so alone.
Your not a loser.

Whats "normal" anyways?

Hangingon

[phoenix7]

you are not alone - we are here with you

I hope tomorrow is a better day for you P7-

[coconut64]

Not alone Soli. I'm a night owl, PM if you ever want to talk. I hate feelings too. It's supposed to get better once we learn to tolerate them. It's very possible that the feelings you are having now come from somewhere else and T not having time for you now is bringing them out. I'm not an expert on this, but apparently that is how it works. That's why therapy is so painful. I'm just beginning to learn that. Hope you'll feel better in the morning. Are you going to share these feelings with T?

((((((((((((((((((((((soli)))))))))))))))))))))))))

You are not alone. I'm sorry you feel like that - it's the WORST feeling.

PM me!!!! We're overdue for a chat.

You know I love you, feelings and all

[peaches100]

Soliaree,

I want you to know I'm with you too.

(((((((Everyone)))))))))),
Thank you so much for the support, it has really helped so much! I haven't been able to move past this irritableness, negativeness, so I guess I've been sitting with the @$@# emotions in the doldrums. . . I don't understand what is going on with me. And that is scary.

[little*rhino]

hi soli... i'm sorry things hurt so much right now... it always makes me think of an infant crying their hardest but with no one coming to soothe them. (not trying to say you are an infant, just the pain makes me think of how painfilled that infant must feel)

you asked what was wrong with your emotions? ... idk.. but why do you listen to them? im not being sarcastic... im asking, why do you give them so much credence? your feelings are loud because no one listened to you back when you grew up, but you do have the ability to stand back, hear them, examine them, but to also choose to attempt to turn the volume down. It's not easy or quick... but maybe focusing too hard on the bad feelings makes you fall into them? Maybe the *way* you are trying to understand them actually makes them louder.

idk.. i dont think you're doing anything wrong... just wondering if there is another way to try to work through the bad things

i am so sorry that you hurt so much. My T once said something to me that i treasure and i will say it to you, about you: you are a good person and you don't deserve to suffer as much as you do.

[chaotic13]

(((Sol))) I didn't feel like an hour was enough this week either. I'm grateful for getting that but just feeling like I did get enough. Poverty of Spirit I guess. Which the leaves me feeling guilty and ungrateful.

Seriously, I can't understand -- HOW could he possibly care about me?...

I was even here for a while too.

Thanks again, all! (((((((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))))))))

T is trying to get me in to see him tomorrow. I'll let you know how that goes. He mentioned that going on vacation, although looked forward-to, can still cause anxiety. I'm sure that's part of it. I'm searching for the rest. I'll let you know how it goes. I've sustained this irritable, low-grade anger mood for QUITE awhile now. I"m just a joy to be around

((((((((((((((((((Soli)))))))))))))))))))) I have my fingers and toes crossed that you can get in today!!