[Strength]

First let me say that there are good T's out there. I am writing this for people who are seeking counselling for the first time. Also I want to say I am not proud of my behavior. I started with my T two years ago and we hit it off right away. Gifts have been exchanged etc...I have what is called emotional seizures and 4 months ago I was leaving session and I had the worse ES I've ever had. My T held me and kissed me on top of the head and told me that she loved me.
This is not the first time she had told me this and she had admitted that the relationship her and I have goes beyond the client/therapist relationship. But this time was different because she was comforting me and she got to the child inside of me.
Once in awhile she would say things to indicate that it was a counselling relationship. 2 weeks ago I was suicidal and she admitted again that we were friends. She wrote me an email saying from your special friend. Sometimes I don't like how dependent I have become of her and I try to get the nerve up to terminate. Normally she fights me on terminating but this last time she was going to let me go. When I got her email saying she would accept my termination request I flipped out.
I started hysterically crying and screaming I wanted D. A friend of mine was here with me and she called my T and paged her. T called right back and she started to cry because she did not want me to terminate and it was upsetting her because of how upset I was.
So now I am in a relationship and the only way to terminate and not lose my sanity is if I commit suicide. The point of this is. if your therapist crosses any lines leave before you get where I am at Strength

[Luce]

Hey Strength. You have a lot of courage writing about this here, and I'm glad that you did. I suspect you are far from the only one who is experiencing something like this.

It is great that you recognise this relationship as unhealthy. It sounds like your T genuinely cares for you, but has very poor boundaries and has become 'enmeshed' with you. For your own emotional health and safety it IS important that you terminate with this T.

It is so hard to extricate oneself from a damaging T relationship when our most vulnerable parts are emotionally involved. It can be extremely painful, but it CAN be done (and certainly without su*!)

I guess the hardest part is choosing to sever that bond, especially if you have attachment issues from your past. You *have* attached to her, and with the attachment issues, breaking that tie can cause emotional upheaval of the most unbearable kind. So if you know you have attachment issues, it might help to read up about them while in that cognitive frame of mind, because knowledge is power. You will be able to soothe yourself much better if you have a cognitive understanding about the reactions you might experience.

The other thing is to set up as many supports for yourself as you can *before* you terminate. Can you afford to find a new T, so that for a short time you are seeing someone else as well as your current T? Can you shop around, find someone you are comfortable with, someone who understands the overenmeshment / attachment issues and can support you through the break? Do you have any others in your life that might be able to support you through it as well? Here is another possible avenue of support for you. It *will* be very difficult emotionally, and you will need as much support to get you through that immediate aftermath as possible.

I like your screen name - I do think you have a lot of strength. There are definitely ways you can terminate and not lose your sanity and not have to su. I am sure it will be very painful and very hard for a while tho. But it can be done. The key is having a good support network around you.

[gimmeice]

I agree with what Luce has said, please make the healthiest decision for yourself, you can get away from this T without su.

[chaotic13]

I think Luce's idea of shopping around for another T and starting with him/her before discontinuing with your current T is a good idea. What I think would be hard is going from a T relationship like the one you have to one where there are strict boundaries (i.e. no touch, strictly one-way interaction). It sounds like your current T does really genuinely care for you (maybe a bit too much). The caring you get from another T is likely going to be a lot healthier for you, but not feel as comforting.

(((Strength))) sorry you are in the situation your in.

[phoenix7]

Strength, i think everyone here has good ideas - getting a new T and seeing them for some sessions before you quit the other T would be a good idea - , you are obviously in a lot of pain and need help with this but the pain can get less in time - things can become worthwhile again - please be kind to yourself and seek help - you deserve it - things can get better P7

[dalila]

Perhaps you are just where you need to be right now. Two years is not that long when you are dealing with attachment type issues. I am extremely attached to my T and the ideal of leaving her makes me sick. We have talked about 'graduating' from therapy and that when the time comes I will be ready.

Perhaps if you sit down and have a talk about how she sees the end of your therapy you would feel more comfortable with your attachment to her.

At one point therapy was so hard and the attachment was so scary I decided to quit, she didn't pressure me but made it clear that she didn't think it was in my best interests. We went over time way over time but we got down to the issues and I stayed with her. I can see the day will come to end therapy, but it is not today.

[peaches100]

I think you and she should sit down and have an honest heart to heart talk about your therapy relationship, where you both can admit that over time, it has crossed the line into a very personal relationship that hinders your work in therapy. It sounds to me like your t cares a great deal about you, but has gotten too close, and now might be losing her objectivity. Before you decide to terminate, I'd talk to her about it, and see if the two of you can agree to tighten up the boundaries of the relationship and keep it professional, rather than personal. If she really cares about your progress in therapy, she will probably readily agree that she's crossed the line and be willing to step back. Perhaps she could even agree to get some consultation with another professional to make sure she doesn't cross the line again. If she doesn't agree that she's crossed the line and/or doesn't want to step back or get consultation, then I would definitely recommend you terminate with her, even if it really hurts. If that's the case, you may need to enter therapy with a new t in order to process your feelings of loss and the other ways that your t's boundary crossing has affected you.

[chaotic13]

I like peaches idea too. Open discussion. I admit when I first read this post I immediately sexualized it. Maybe her caring is not like this at all. If you T really does care about you, then maybe she can help you get into a healthier more professional therapuetic relationship with another T.

[Strength]

Update...D and I have worked this out and I now understand that its not the relationship between us that is hurting me it is my past....so I am staying with her and we remain friends but right now she will be my T.......

Hi Strength,

I just wanted to say this, and I hope it is okay. But T's who are in relationship's with their clients other than therapeutic will convince their client that what is going on is normal. They will also try to keep you attached even when you have warning signs that things are wrong.

What does your gut feeling say? I would listen to that.

I had a T who became more than a T gradually and I eventually ended up firing him . It was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I went into a deep depression. But the relationship was no longer professional, and when a relationship becomes personal, there is a greater chance of the T to lose his perspective and end up hurting you a lot, instead of his professional oath to do no harm. I am still hurting from the harm he caused, almost 2 yrs. later.

I know some would say to talk to them about it. But for me he would simply refuse to talk about it. He would say one thing but do another, the boundaries were all over the place.

I went to a new T 2 days after I fired my old T and it was the best thing I have ever done. Unfortunately for me that T, was guilty of doing this himself, and was very defensive about me talking about my old T's relationship with me. He finally told me this on our last session, that my intuition about him being resistance was right.

But now I have a T who has worked with those who have been in a relationship that was not professional and unethical. It has helped so much, but I still feel the pain. But we are working on it, and she is keeping the boundaries tight with me because my other 2 T's did not. Some would think I would feel worse at the strict boundaries, but actually I feel so much more safer, and have done better work.

I know it is hard to leave someone you really like, I keep seeing my T a long time even when I knew what we were doing was not ethical. It is hard to give them up, but I am so glad I fired him before things continued even further.
Good luck, I KNOW how hard this is. I would keep questioning what she is doing, I feel it is more than just your past affecting you. There are many red flags that I see, that I think you do too.

[peaches100]

I'm glad you and she talked about it. But did you put into place some agreed-upon boundaries to ensure that the relationship stays professional? What I mean are things like limiting personal chit-chat about topics other than your issues, and reducing out of session contact? Without specific ways to gauge the relationship, it may be very difficult to maintain the sort of boundaries that are necessary to preserve the therapeutic relationship.