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#1
Jan 25, 2009, 07:01 AM
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Haven't posted her in a while. I think posting on a daily basis can make one feel mad. Its like watching paint dry and trying to analyst to much and coming up with the same old answers.
I am still working on fear. Have started emailing T a lot more and had a conversation with about how I have a part that can only communicate in this way at the moment, and she nodded yes she see's that. I did have a dream last week where I was in a room with my adoptive parents and I was holding a baby that was limp in my arms and had menigtius and I was saying to my parents, "Look, Look, Look!" and they wouldnt lift their heads up, and in the background standing silently in the dark was T. T said this dream was important, it showed that I now had a new set of "parents" that were looking, ie, me holding the baby in the dream and T standing in the background, ie, the internalised T. Plus she said I was able to say "look", where before she says Ive found it hard to say "Look" even with her. I do have a sense of T within me now, I do not feel I am without her when I'm not with her, who she is and how she is, has taken residence within me .. The fear? a lot of work is still to be done with this, finding words for it is hard, but I am more able to sit and talk about it with her, its no longer the elephant in the living room. I did have a session the other week where I unconsiously acted out one of my fantasys where T rejects me, I kept telling her one session that I didnt want to be there, blah, blah, blah and she said, what if I were to say to you "ok, if you want you can leave" and as soon as she said that, I looked at her fiercely and said, "ok I'll go then" and I stood up and T kinda of was left in the aftermath and was saying " are you sure"? When I went back to the next session she said, I think your fantasy fo being rejected has been realised and now slotted into place and we both survived it. She was right, even on the day it happened, I didnt feel afraid that it was over, I knew it was safe to do this now with her and yes the fear of rejection has been slotted into place, its losts its power..its amazing how we act out fantasys and if T doesn't know about this stuff it will never get resolved... Well thats about it.
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Here is the test to find whether your mission on earth is finished. If you're alive, it isn't. ~Richard Bach |
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#2
Jan 25, 2009, 08:53 AM
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Yay ((((((((Mouse))))))))))) Sounds like your therapy and all the work you've been doing has been really paying off.
 Happy for you.
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#3
Jan 25, 2009, 09:13 AM
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(((((((((((((((((((((((((mouse))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
It's so good to see you posting on the boards! I wondered where you had went... It sounds like you are working hard and making huge strides with T. What an amazing thing, sort of "playing out" the rejection and surviving. That sounds like it was so healing. Good to see you.... 
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#4
Jan 25, 2009, 11:40 AM
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(((((((( Mouse )))))))))
 It is good to see you back, many of us missed you. In your dream you said T was standing in the background. A few years ago I started having dreams where T would stand in the background just observing. Used to drive me mad that he was there but wouldn't do anything! Those dreams gradually changed over time and we started interacting. Me and T working together in the dreams. Sounds odd but really helped. Although I don't have a T now, T is always with me...
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 Pegasus Got a quick question related to mental health or a treatment? Ask it here General Q&A Forum “Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by it's ability to climb a tree, it will live it's whole life believing that it is stupid.” - Albert Einstein |
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#5
Jan 25, 2009, 03:08 PM
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And I fourth the sentiment that it is so good to see you Mouse!
Isn't it interesting how we do act out our relationship patterns? I have found myself doing these same things in T...And then wondering "What the h*** am I doing?!?" It can be so strange... I think paying attention to your dreams can be very powerful. The one you describe seems quite powerful. Like pegasus, I too have been having dreams about T where she is with me, where we are working together...It is a nice shift from the dreams where either T or I is in the background... Be well!
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#6
Jan 25, 2009, 05:57 PM
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Sounds like a breakthrough! you tested the rejection boundary and made it through! Good on you!
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Its not how many times you fall down that counts  its how many times you get back up!  (Thanks to fenrir for my Picture  )When you have come to the edge of all light that you know and are about to drop off into the darkness of the unknown, Faith is knowing One of two things will happen: There will be something solid to stand on or you will be taught to fly. by Patrick Overton, author and poet |
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#7
Jan 26, 2009, 02:06 AM
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(((((((((((((((((((((Mouse)))))))))))))))))))))))))
WB, I missed your posts and insights.
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The patient's job is to repeat in the therapy all the stuff that has been disastrous before. The T's job is to not let it happen, but to point out how it is happening. 
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#8
Jan 26, 2009, 07:43 PM
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((Mouse))
Welcome back. It's nice to hear your therapy is progressing and you are able to hold onto T. I love the idea of your new set of parents because tonight I had the distinct sense that T and I were playing house but I was both the mother and the baby! 
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