[sunrise]

Today's session ended up being very low key, very gentle. I was feeling very down due to ongoing relationship troubles with my daughter (described in another thread). It was hard to go to therapy feeling that way and especially hard since this isn't something I can discuss with him (he is also the coach for my divorce and this issue could present a conflict of interest). He could tell I was feeling down and wanted to hear about it. I told him I couldn't share that with him at this time due to his dual role. He was sad about that, sad he couldn't help and listen, but he understood and trusted me to know what we could and couldn't talk about. He had thought he could fill both roles (actually 3 roles) when we began down this path, but now understands why this can lead to problems. Today is an example. He wanted to be my therapist today--I wanted that too!--but respected my judgment that this was not possible.

I spoke longingly for the day when I will be done with the divorce, not just because I am eager to have that chapter closed, but because I do want my relationship with T to be completely open and to be able to share anything with him. He said he wants that too. I told him when I come to therapy, we often end up talking about my H and the D, and I'm tired of talking about that. There is more to my life. He really got that. He has been ready to talk about my future on other occasions, but it was too soon, and I wasn't ready so we haven't gone there in a long time. Now I'm ready. He said he will be so glad to be done with the D too and said we've talked some about your childhood, and your mother, your kids, and he knows there is a lot more to explore and he looks forward to doing that with me. I liked that, as sometimes I have felt that our therapy is so focused on my marriage that we can't talk about anything else. And I have worried that once my D is over, I will have to leave therapy because no other topics are permitted. So it was a huge relief to hear T say he was looking forward to other topics. Phew! He also said that we don't even have to talk about anything today if we don't want to. We can just sit there and be in each other's presence. That sometimes that can be enough. So we did that some, and had some long silences and just looked in each other's eyes. He sent me some good vibes, he said, with all his might, from where he sat several feet from me. He's a sweetie.

I then turned the talk to him and me and our relationship (for lack of anything better to discuss!). There was space there today to talk about that. It was nice. I asked him if I was easy to do therapy with. I've been wondering about that because of my and my daughter's interactions with our family therapist. He said yes, it is easy with me because we have such a strong rapport and because I am able to be so vulnerable with him. And he can disagree with me and I can disagree with him and we both can accept that and still hear the other person. He said it can take longer to get into the groove with some clients. He then said what depths you have--you're so very deep--and I told him we "work" together because we can match each other on that. He said he would like to get together with all the people in his life (including me) who are like that and do something together. What would you like to do? I asked. (I loved how he was sharing his little fantasy with me.) He said, oh he didn't know, maybe rent a warehouse and all create a big painting together--something like that. That would be fun, I said. We smiled. I love how he included me in this group, in this activity, in his fantasy about all the "deep" people in his life. I am a real person in his life!

I told him I want more people like that in my life, and we talked a little about that. He is going to be able to help me with this, I can tell, with concrete ideas. He said that I am going to all the trouble to get this divorce, to go through all this pain and end this negativity that holds me back, and it is now up to me to step up to the plate and make my life what I want it to be. There was something in his mention of "negativity" that reminded me of what I am struggling with in the relationship with my daughter. I guess that is partly what I am doing--trying to craft my life--and turning the negative around is my first step.

It was really a fine session. I have been wanting to chart a new direction in therapy and didn't know how to do it. I think today we did it! We hugged at the end. I am so lucky to have him in my life. I am feeling a lot better now.

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by sunrise

I told him I want more people like that [deep] in my life, and we talked a little about that. He is going to be able to help me with this, I can tell, with concrete ideas.

When you find out how to get them, tell me.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by pachyderm

When you find out how to get them, tell me.

Both people have to be working toward it with the qualities below. I think that frequently people are afraid of what they really want. They desire closeness but are also afraid of it. I have been there and done that....

Originally Posted by sunrise

I am able to be so vulnerable with him. And he can disagree with me and I can disagree with him and we both can accept that and still hear the other person. He then said what depths you have--you're so very deep--and I told him we "work" together because we can match each other on that.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by pachyderm

When you find out how to get them, tell me.

I told my T a little about how I am trying to make people I connect with/like/value more a part of my life. I'm not doing this in a concerted way but just quietly keeping it in the back of my mind. When I meet a person who seems like I might want to get to know them better because of connection potential (or whatever, or "deep" as my T said), I make more of an effort to recognize this and then am more active in encouraging the relationship to grow, nurturing it. I haven't done much yet, but I have nurtured two friendships in this way, and have one new friend with whom I can connect and one acquaintance growing toward friendship person. I need to spend some more time growing these friendships--I've been busy. So that's been my efforts so far. Kind of haphazard and not strongly directly, but just there in the back of my mind. What T said when I told him I wanted more people like this to be a part of my life was that I could do this by putting myself into situations where such people congregate. That was interesting to me as I haven't been doing that. For me, it's kind of been random. But his idea is more goal-directed and would probably yield faster results. We didn't discuss this further--a topic for the future. I look forward to it. I am curious about what sorts of places and situations with high congregations of "deep" people he will suggest.

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by sunrise

What T said when I told him I wanted more people like this to be a part of my life was that I could do this by putting myself into situations where such people congregate... I am curious about what sorts of places and situations with high congregations of "deep" people he will suggest.

Me too. I have had a hard time figuring out where they congregate, if anywhere. Have to work with the "ordinary" people, I guess...

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by pachyderm

Me too. I have had a hard time figuring out where they congregate, if anywhere.

Maybe here:
http://cityguide.aol.com/miami/bars/...p/v-103049529/

Or perhaps here:
http://forums.psychcentral.com/forumdisplay.php?f=25

[pachyderm]

"Club Deep... Here, you will literally be dancing on water."

That's the place, for sure!

Also, the Psychotherapy forum for sure!