[Lee ann]

God, I feel like my problems will never end. I think I have posted like a crack addict all over the place on this site. Anyway, I was wonder How do you tell your therapist things that are real personal? It seems all I can do is just "elude" to things and hope she figures it out. Do you think she knows there is more to the story? I don't think she is stupid, nor niave, but I have this look that doesn't really fit how I act or feel. You know what I mean. I mean, I look like miss goodie two shoes but everytime I go to therapy I think today will be the day I open up and I've been in therapy for a year! There is one particular issue I would like to talk about but I get too scared. Its like my heart starts to hurt or my chest at least, can your heart hurt? And then I get real tired (I have narcolepsy and when I get real upset my muscles become weak, etc.), feel like I'm going to pass out, and definetly have to throw up. Somebody on a different post suggested I print out a post but I don't know if I got there if I would take out the paper from my purse. I might be able to read two poems I wrote, but even then I'm taking a risk. When I was three, I was at the park behind our apartment complex unattended, I went up the big kids slide and when I got to the very top, I fell over the top of the slide, and I remember thinking " Oh crap, this is going to hurt like hell!" and my chest and stomach felt funny before I went down. Its seems like it starts to feel like that when I want to talk about things with my therapist. Its not that its her, its me. And what's the point of going, if I'm not honest about everything. Also, does anybody know if therapist have to keep what goes on in session private or will they report things? I just don't want to finally open up and then have her turn around and cause trouble. I'm also afraid of what she will think of me because I'm kind of screwed up. And I think she see's me a certain way. And true to the way I grew up, I act the way people expect me to act. She doesn't let on if things I say are werid or disturbing so I never know what to thinkbecause I think they are. Anyway, if anybody has any advice, this is something I've wanted to talk about for a while. Any advice? It would help a lot. Thank you.

[ECHOES]

My T and I have talked about... how some things are hard to talk about. She knew I had things I wanted to talk about but couldn't, so we've spent sessions--part and whole sessions--talking about what it's like when there's something difficult to talk about. We talk about my fear of sounding stupid and/or the other person thinking I am stupid, my worry that I won't make sense, my worry that I will sound immature, or that what I say will reveal at last the truly horrible ogre that I am, my worry that people will use what I tell them against me...the list goes on. These are things we talk about as often as I feel like, as often as they come up, and I've learned to see these themes emerge when I am talking about something else entirely.

If that sounds boring or silly, it isn't. It's very relieving to have my fear of talking accepted by her. I don't move right into the thing I want to talk about after we explore the difficutly/difficulties; rather, I let the feelings and reassurances and acceptance that comes from the exploring soak in.

Sometimes I'm even brave enough to say, Can we talk about...? as a way of bringing up something. Or, I've said, "You know, I think I want to talk about something but there's something making me want to withhold it or censor it" .. and we go from there.

Sometimes I just take a few slow deep breaths and remind myself of the time she lightly and warmly told me "There is only one rule in therapy: 'Talk about anything and everything ' ; everything is important." There is so much acceptance in that.

You might even ask your T how to go about getting 'to' something that you think is important (actually everything and anything is important ) but that you find yourself reluctant to talk about. Tell her when your heart starts to beat fast because of what you are thinking about talking about.

I have learned that there are so many ways to approach something and one day a particular way might feel right and another day a different approach might feel right.

I have also written something and mailed it to her, left messages on her answering machine, written a small note to have in my pocket that stays hidden but my fingers rub it to help calm me as well as remind me of what it says, and I have taken my journal several times and not even opened it, but just having it there makes me able to talk about what I've written in there that I wanted to talk about and was why I brought it with me.

What do you think would be helpful to you? If you imagine being able to tell T what it is that you want to tell her, how do you imagine it would be like?

[madisgram]

thank you for sharing your truthful thoughts about your therapy. lee ann, i think it was me that suggested you print out your post. the purpose of therapy is to help you better understand yourself, your beliefs, your false beliefs, develop healthy coping skills,etc.
what therapy is not: only telling your T what you think they want to hear, not opening up and reevaluating what is acceptable for your T to hear, etc.
yes, it takes courage but you need to ask yourself, do i really want to get better? do i want to improve my quality of living? do i want to have healthier relationships? do i want to understand what are the "old tapes" and replace them with "new" ones?,etc.
this process doesn't take overnight...it does "require" that you do at least take baby steps. it "requires" that you do take some safe risks. "require" means can or willing to, not should...to clarify.
your therapist is skilled but does not have a crystal ball. eluding to something doesn't mean she gets what you are eluding to.
i'm not trying to bust your chops...my point is you need to decide what you want out of your therapy. you will get what you "pay" for.
hope this helps you better understand what you may want.
oops almost forgot, as long as you're 18 yrs. of age, your sessions are completely confidential.

(((LeeAnn))),
Disclosing information is one of the most difficult experiences in therapy, in my opinion. I usually feel relieved when I tell him for about a couple of days, then panic sets in as I start to wonder, does he believe me? What if he thinks I'm a monster and tells everyone else how horrible I am? What if he thinks it was all my fault? What if he sticks up for (protects) someone other than me? Yes, I know I shouldn't care what he thinks, but my emotions do. Saying this, the fact that none of my fears have come true, that my T has been supportive, empathic, and always says he believes me, has strengthened our therapeutic relationship. It has helped me learn to trust (this is still in progress), which has lead to me being able to finally feel in power of my own emotions. I think that the more I trust him, the more I know that if I panic and feel like I can't handle my emotions that he'll be there, the more I can let down my guard and work on myself instead of trying to secure a safe base. I guess what I'm trying to say is, yes, it is very difficult and at times it probably will feel overwhelming, you possibly may regret it for awhile, but in the end it can really help you progress. This is how it is in my experience, though, I do hope that you will follow a similar path (minus the pain) Let us know how this goes. I'm rooting for you!

[Lee ann]

I think I am going to talk to her about what you all said. I think part of it is that she doesn't show what she is thinking and I kind of guage if I'm saying something wrong or mucked up by the way people look. (thats why I like it here) I do this to my mom because she is real ...more numb than I am sometimes and I can't tell how she feels and I know its not right but I feel like I'm responsible for her hapiness. I know intellectually that's not right but that's how I feel. I feel like I'm supposed to protect her and that includes hiding things from her that might distress her. I don't want her to worry. The thing is my therapist reminds me of my mom because she doesn't show what she's thinking and as a reaction I automatically start telling her what I think she should hear. And I know this is wrong because it makes therapy shallow because everything is about ethics "should" as soemone said, and not the way things really are and as a result I can't self-actualize my feeelings leaving me feeling numb and dumb. This makes me feel like there is no meaning in life because I'm too weak to even express somewhat of a dim light of a personality. I'm just so freaking eager to please I don't know who I ever was or who I want to become. I'll figure it out or find some way to try to express to her what you guys said would help. Thanks guys! I'll post after I talk to her to let you know how it went.

[ECHOES]

It sounds like you are wanting to know what others are thinking when in reality, we can't know. We are each separate persons with separate thoughts. The only way to know is to ask; guessing and sizing up expressions and looks doesn't work and it takes up a lot of energy.

Separateness is something interesting to explore in therapy too

[tarabug922]

Le ann,

There were times in my therapy where I really wanted to get through something but just couldn't muster the strength to say anything. What i ended up doing was calling and leaving a message on her machine to ask me about X next time we met. Telling her I wanted to talk about it but just couldn't bring it up. Sometimes though that means that you're not ready to bring it up either. She could not be the right person to bring it up with. So be careful. Tread lightly and trust that it will all be okay.

Love and Hugs,
Tara

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by madisgram

as long as you're 18 yrs. of age, your sessions are completely confidential.

I am wondering whether this may vary by state. My T says that what I tell her will be kept completely confidential except if there are indications of violence going on between me and some child, or me and some other person. (of course, these are probably not at all what you are needing to talk about.) Oh, and I could also give T permission to share some of my info with someone else if I thought there is a reason for it - but she was very clear, to do this she would need my express permission.

[Lee ann]

I actually was very honest with her today which was the first time since I've been going to her. I still couldn't come out and say the things I had to say. I worked around it until she figured it out. Somtimes I felt strong sometimes I felt weak, it changed from second to second. But I was relieved. Thanks for all your help! I couldn't have done it without your support. I get more support here than I do at my house. But it feels like thank god I can start to finally heal.

[chaotic13]

Echoes, great post. Lee Ann sounds like you make some progress today. I've found that I move forward somedays and then others I am stuck in my prison of silence. Having something you think you want to talk about and then no knowing how to start or finding that the words just disappear before they can me released it very hard indeed. I think the only think you can do is just keep trying anything and everything.