I haven't written anything in while (posts, blog, journal entries, poetry), so I can't even think of a title.

Not sure what's going on. I tried to post a couple of times, but I deleted after a couple of words. I even tried to call T several times, over the course of last night through early this morning, but I couldn't press the "call" button on my phone. I finally left him a message around 11am. Saw him yesterday, but couldn't really talk. There seems to be a theme where everything is too much effort; everything is exhausting. I see him again tomorrow. I even left him a message on Friday. He left me two messages back because I couldn't answer my phone-- he told me to email him, or leave him more messages if I wanted to. I never ended up doing it. I just couldn't.

Sessions continue to seem like they are ten minutes long. I really spaced out during the last part yesterday. I didn't feel okay leaving the building so I sat in the waiting room for awhile. I told him I felt like I was in a shell.

I am so confused. He said I have compartmentalized 3204328 things. I do feel like I'm carrying around that many compartments.

I told him something really embarrassing that happened to me over the weekend. I told him about it and then said I wanted to hide or leave because it was so humiliating. He said, "It is humilitating." I wanted to kill him. I know he was probably trying to validate that instead of insisting, "No that's not embarrassing at all!" But it felt like he was reinforcing the humilitation, and we never explored any of it at all. I don't know if that is my fault for not saying I wanted to explore it, but to be honest-- he kinda killed it after the "it is humiliating" comment.

I was so locked into myself during the session. He said, "I'm here." I shook my head "no."

"I see you are there," I told him. "I can't feel it."

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by pinksoil

I know he was probably trying to validate
But it felt like he was reinforcing the humilitation

Could this be happening because you are not comfortable with your feelings? You wanted him to take your feelings away, not make you sit with them?

Originally Posted by Sannah

Could this be happening because you are not comfortable with your feelings? You wanted him to take your feelings away, not make you sit with them?

Well I was definitely not comfortable with the feelings because, like I said, I felt completely humilitated and ashamed. However, I have clocked 230482309482342391236 hours sitting with ****** feelings with T-- and I could just tell this wasn't one of those times. It seemed like it was just passed over, and I'm really looking into it to see how it got that way. In fantasyland, it would be nice if T could take away all bad feelings, but I know that's not the case. I have actually gotten past even being interested in that because I enjoy self-exploration. I'm just going to have to tell him exactly what I said in the post-- that his reponse felt as though he was reinforcing the humiliation, and that I want to get his perspective on that. Tough day. Tough week.

[MissCharlotte]

Hey Pink,

As I read your post, it felt just like my feelings I was trying to articulate in my thread The Big Silence. I have been depressed and maybe that's part of your hesitation as well. I really understand the humiliation feeling and wonder how much that has to do with hanging in your shell.

(((((((((pinksoil)))))))))

[madisgram]

Originally Posted by pinksoil

I'm just going to have to tell him exactly what I said in the post-- that his reponse felt as though he was reinforcing the humiliation, and that I want to get his perspective on that. Tough day. Tough week.

that's a good start, pinksoil. by being an active participant of our therapy we get better definition. if nothing else you and T will clear the air on this. it could be a misunderstanding but if you don't ask, you will never know. good for you!let us know how everything works out, k?

[ECHOES]

((( pink )))

I'm sorry you're feeling sad and lost

Can you allow yourself this time of being quiet and more solitary, knowing it's okay to do that, knowing there is no need to judge it, knowing that it is temporary and while you are there, many are right beside you and behind you

Hi everyone. Wow, I really have a wonderful therapist.

He called right before 6pm, and let me know he had a client waiting in the waiting room, so he could only talk for a minute. I told him mostly what I wrote in my original post here.

Then at 7:30 my phone rang again. It was him. "I wanted to know how you have been holding up since I spoke to you before," he said. We spoke for awhile. He said, "I have to give you the drill again." I said, "Please don't go through the drill; I know-- if I don't feel safe, go to the hospital." "I'm sorry," he said. "I care about you. I'm sorry."

We talked about how I split my life into extremes that seem to make no sense. I told him that in the face of all I am going through, I have no idea what I'm hanging on by. He said, "You get suicidal thoughts, and you want to make the feelings disappear, yet it is intolerable for you not to feel." I told him how I split my life into the weirdest extreme-- I get suicidal ideation and thoughts of driving myself to the hospital, and then I say-- nope, I can't do that-- I have to get my schoolwork done.

The phone call helped a little bit. I feel a little bit more that he is there. Not just know it, but feel it. I don't feel like tomorrow will be a waste of money. It is all about trusting the process; I know that. Everything that happens in there is part of the process.

[Flowerb]

[quote=pinksoil;925195]We talked about how I split my life into extremes that seem to make no sense. I told him that in the face of all I am going through, I have no idea what I'm hanging on by. He said, "You get suicidal thoughts, and you want to make the feelings disappear, yet it is intolerable for you not to feel." I told him how I split my life into the weirdest extreme-- I get suicidal ideation and thoughts of driving myself to the hospital, and then I say-- nope, I can't do that-- I have to get my schoolwork done. quote]

Do you ever have the thought, "if anyone knew how I was really feeling, they'd be shocked?" I think the whole "get my schoolwork done" resonated with me. I do things like that - I realize how really unsafe I'm feeling and then I put it aside and go to a meeting, or go cook dinner. It makes me feel really nuts - if you'll pardon the term.

And yet - what is the alternative? Because doing is better than sitting. Keeping the mind away from the awful blackness and nothingness.
I'm glad your T is lending you some strength and letting you know he cares. It hope it makes a difference.

And about not writing. What I know about journal therapy is that you should try to write something, anything, to get you started again. I try and just write down what I did during the day, mundane stuff. And I tell myself that I'll keep at it for at least 10 minutes. Somehow, after a day or two, I break through again and find my feelings on the page. I get really depressed when I don't write, so for me it is absolutely necessary.