I just had my first session after a 3 month break while my T was away. It was pretty underwhelming.

Earlier in the week, I had been looking forward to it, but when the day came, I absolutely did not want to go. I get this feeling a lot though, so I am used to it and I went.

Once I got there, I did not want to talk to her about anything. I would answer her questions about factual things, but any time she asked a single question about how I felt about something, I wouldn't respond. Then I would just change the subject by making an unrelated statement (ex. So, I got a new insurance card.). She tried to connect again at the end, telling me something about how I was the easiest client to reconnect with since we had kept contact during the break, but I was not willing (and that seemed just totally untrue considering how unconnected I felt then). I have never acted so bratty in a session before.

As I thought about it later, I realized I felt angry at her. The problem is, I had no idea why since she hasn't done anything wrong. The best that I can understand it is, when I got there, she looked great, so rested and put together. And over the break, I had emailed with her a fair amount about things I felt vulnerable about. And so then, to have to see her in person, knowing she knew all these things that I felt so not put together about, and then the contrast with how she seemed, I think I was just angry at that disparity. Angry that she knew, since I didn't feel safe with her knowing, since I didn't feel like she could possibly understand, since I felt like she was in such a different place.

Ugh. Breaks are hard. Maybe too much time to let the mind come up with doubts. I notice a lot of therapy relationship angst threads at the moment. I wonder if we're all trying to re-find our footing after the holiday breaks...

Anyway, I emailed afterwards and told her. She responded quickly (she's so good about that) and was accepting of that. Said of course I didn't want to tell her anything vulnerable after she'd left for 3 months. She said she'd think more about why I felt like that.

In some ways, it's nice to just feel mad and drop the relationship and not have to think about it anymore. Easier than the alternative, always needing more. But not better ultimately, not growth-promoting. So I will probably email again and tell her what I wrote above, try to explain how my little mind concocted that anger out of nothing. Because the more I tell her, the more she has to work with in helping me understand myself, and isn't that the whole point anyway.

Meh. (My new favorite word for describing therapy).

[Sannah]

Did this situation remind you of previous, similar scenarios that made you angry?

[chaotic13]

notme9 said: In some ways, it's nice to just feel mad and drop the relationship and not have to think about it anymore. Easier than the alternative, always needing more.

Isn't this the crap we are always selling ourselves, but then loathing ourselves for later.
We withhold or don't allow ourselves to engage, get deep, and benefit from the hour exchange, Why? For me I think it is because I might figure out that LIKE IT and want to do it more. Or I might realize that this type of exchange is what I want to have with other relationships, but either don't or can't. When I recognize I want something, I run the risk of feeling like I don't have enough.

(((((((((((((notme)))))))))))))))

I can't IMAGINE how angry I would be at T after a 3 month break! Reconnecting is hard, even if there has been contact during the break. And I know that when I e-mail things to T and then SEE him, I often have that feeling of "oops". I actually don't e-mail him a lot of disclosures anymore because of that - I've learned that I might not actually be ready for him to know when I see him in person.. My e-mails are more reassurance-seeking (have you heard I'm the World's Neediest Client? lol)

I think what you are feeling is perfectly natural, and probably just part of the process you will have to go through to reconnect with T. Connecting, disconnecting, reconnecting....it's so exhausting...but really, I think, worth it.

Sending many

Originally Posted by Sannah

Did this situation remind you of previous, similar scenarios that made you angry?

Good question, Sannah. I wish I could remember one. I will keep thinking about this. I think I must have learned pretty early not to share sensitive things, so I don't really remember the specific events that helped me learn that. It doesn't really remind me of any recent similar recent scenarios, because I haven't had this scenario come up before (the oversharing with someone who wasn't sharing something sensitive back). Uncharted territory.

[quote=chaotic13;926374] Or I might realize that this type of exchange is what I want to have with other relationships, but either don't or can't. [quote]

For me, I already know this type of intensity of relationship is what I want to have in other real world relationships. Everything else seems so much less by comparison, so non-essential. I tend to have a few, very intense relationships. It's hard for me to care about other relationships that aren't that intense. And yes, the intense ones have always required some sharing on my part, taking that risk and seeing whether they still like and accept you. But before where I've had that, it's always been mutual. Mutual sharing. Mutual vulnerability. Mutual issues. Mutual power to hurt the other if one person betrayed the other.

The therapy relationship is so non-mutual, so one-sided in terms of who has all the sensitive information and who is completely vulnerable. I think that's the biggest obstacle for me.

Originally Posted by earthmama

(((((((((((((notme)))))))))))))))

I can't IMAGINE how angry I would be at T after a 3 month break!

Thanks EM for understanding where I'm coming from.

Yeah, so far, email has been REALLY helpful for me, since I have trouble not freezing up in session. Usually in email I elaborate on responses to questions that she asked asked in session, and that helps me feel like I'm moving forward, even if it's hard. But I think this time it was just too long a break of face-to-face communication and reassurance, with too much disclosure, and now I definitely dread having to deal with all of that live and in person. Maybe I'll suggest that we do our next session by phone, as a little bridge on the way back to normal.

[del12]

I have only been with my T for a few months and I noticed that the last few sessions I have been a little angry with her. I don't know if it because I get frustrated with myself because I can't find the words or if it is because she seems so calm and at peace. WHich is what I want so bad and I don't know how to get it. I appreciate her nuturing way especially since my first T was a Judgemental jerk plus! and it was not a very good experience. Sometimes I feel angry with her because I haven't had past experiences with a T and I don't know what I should be doing or saying, I feel like I talk and talk and I want answers/solutions and she doesn't give them to me. I guess I am waiting to be fixed and it is not happening fast enough for me. You'd think after living in a chaotic world for most of my life I would realize it will take more than a few months to feel progress. Right now I guess we are just getting into the meat of things and there are feelings I have stuffed for so long that are emerging. Am I off base or is this the way therapy goes? Could use some confirming. I thought about asking her but I don't know what to ask. I don't want to sound ungratful or like I am clueless (ha ha which I am)

[imapatient]

My hunch--based on your words and my similar personal experiences--is that you're mad at her for being gone so long, taking a long break. Having left you alone. It might feel like abandonment. Maybe she didn't make enough effort into making sure you got help while she was gone if you needed it--e.g. arrangements to see a colleague. Or the way she did relate with you when she was gone.