[peaches100]

My t is in Argentina, and I've not seen her for 2 weeks. I have another 1-1/2 weeks to go. I have been doing my best to stay busy and not dwell on her absence. . .to be strong and adult and do life. But I can't help noticing that whenever my t takes an extended vacation, it is a terrible trigger for me. I am hoping that if I can explain what happens inside me, somebody might understand. Or at least I can share it and know somebody will hear.

For awhile after t leaves, I get along fine. Keep myself very busy. Not let myself ruminate. Do life. But eventually, a certain spiral begins. It begins in the front of me, in the soft spot between my ribs. It's an empty feeling. An aching. It pulls at me. Like it is reaching for something I need that is not there. It's all physical, there's no emotion yet. Just that empty, aching, pulling sensation. It is so uncomfortable. It's a physical hurting.

My first impulse is to try to ignore or bury it. But once I become aware of the aching pulling feeling, I can't seem to block it out. So I get busier, fill my head with other things, try to make time go fast. All the while, the pain is there in my body, right in my center. At some point, I realize that the painful physical feeling must have something to do with my t being away. It feels like a "missing" or "going without." I tell myself that I'm fine and she'll be back soon, that I am an adult, and there is no reason to feel this way, that it is weak and stupid. I try harder to ignore the hurting pull in my chest.

But as time goes on, the reaching, needing feeling rises into a sort of panicked feeling. . .like I'm in a cramped space and can't get enough air. Like I need rescue but nobody is coming. The realization that neither t, nor anyone else, can rescue me from this feeling. At some point, it sinks in that this feels so bad, it can't just be about my t going on vacation. It has to be more. It has to be all the times in my life I've felt left behind, left alone invisible. I don't want to remember those times! I don't want to remember that feeling. By now, the pain is trying to push it's way out, and I am running from it.

I make myself even busier, try to make the time go by faster, avoid the feeling by sleeping, do whatever I can to keep from thinking about either t being gone, or about past abandonments. But eventually, the disappointment sinks in. The heart drop. The let down feeling. The "I screamed for help and nobody came" feeling. A part of me knows that I'm overreacting, that t hasn't abandoned me. That I'm not that little girl facing a crisis all alone. But it feels that way. Every bit that way. In every cell of my body, every fiber of my being. I feel devastated and utterly abandoned.

And then finally . . .I feel angry. Angry at t for not being there. Angry at myself for becoming attached and having to feel this way. The tough, armored me arrives, cynical and swaggering, with her heart slammed shut and announcing that "I don't care anyway," I couldn't give a hoot, I don't need t, I don't need anyone!"

And then. . .just. . .numbness.

By the time t gets back in town, and I arrive at my session, I feel numb and all closed down. I don't want to look at her face. I don't want to connect. It feels like somehow she has hurt me deeply. Even though nothing terrible happened during her absence, it was the being triggered that was terrible. It was the abandonment feelings that were the crisis. All the child part of me knows is that she suffered and hurt and t wasn't there, nobody was. I felt abandoned me in my time of need.

I hate this. I hate PTSD. I hate BPD.

I just want to be normal.

[peaches100]

And what's worse. . .although I know that my feelings and reactions are probably rooted in my childhood abandonment feelings with my mom, it "feels" like this is all about my t. It doesn't feel that connected to mom. Consciously, I don't feel abandoned by her. I don't feel connected, therefore I never experience abandonment feelings when she leaves after a visit. When I try to get in touch with how i feel about my mom, I just don't. . .feel anything. why? If this is all a result of my childhood traumas, then why does it feel connected to t and not to mom? Why don't I feel any emotions about mom?

This worries me. . .

Originally Posted by peaches100

And then finally . . .I feel angry. Angry at t for not being there. Angry at myself for becoming attached and having to feel this way. The tough, armored me arrives, cynical and swaggering, with her heart slammed shut and announcing that "I don't care anyway," I couldn't give a hoot, I don't need t, I don't need anyone!"

And then. . .just. . .numbness.

By the time t gets back in town, and I arrive at my session, I feel numb and all closed down. I don't want to look at her face. I don't want to connect. It feels like somehow she has hurt me deeply. Even though nothing terrible happened during her absence, it was the being triggered that was terrible.

Hi Peaches, wow I really related to a lot of what you wrote. I've found I also have trouble with the breaks, though for me it's worse at the beginning, then I go numb pretty quickly and the rest that you describe above follows. Working through this right now in fact, as my T was gone for 3 months, and since we've started up again, I have this total anger for her that I can't explain. Rational me knows that she hasn't really done anything wrong, so then I feel confused for why I'm feeling so angry and not wanting to connect with her, which makes me feel worse.

It's very difficult, no doubt about it and I'm sorry that it's hard for you right now. You're definitely not alone in having to work through it. I think you're doing exactly what you should be, by trying to put the feelings into words so that you can reflect on them and why you're having these reactions. Good job and only a little while longer until your T comes back!

ETA: re: your question as to why it comes up with T, but not your mom, have you looked at Briere? He writes some really interesting stuff about how some early trauma is encoded in a non-narrative form, so you might not have access to the memories, but the feelings that go with them come up when triggered by similar interpersonal interactions. He says it better, but here's a link (PDF at bottom): http://johnbriere.com/stm.htm

[peaches100]

Notme,

Thanks for replying. . .and for the link to Briere. I downloaded the PDF chapter to read. I really want to understand why I react this way. If the over(reaction) does pertain to childhood neglect by my mom, and not really to t's absences, I need to know how I can go about healing from that, rather than continually being retriggered by t's absences and reacting in a hurt and angy way toward her.

[phoenix7]

and you say to yourself if I never connect with another person - never feel anything again ever then I can stop the pain - people willl only leave or let you down when you most need them - thats what happens - you think it must be something about you -maybe they sense how bad you are inside or see the need that reaches out like a childs hand that gets slapped down by the adult as it reaches for comfort... and then the tears turn inside and you shut down - say I dont need a T - but thats no way to live - no way to heal - and you know that too - but it means youn ahve to take another chance - try again and thats hard - but you can do it -

Im sorry that your T is away - please dont shut down - its hard to start up again - your T will be back and you can continue healing - until then let us share your load - we are here and you can lean on us I understand the spiral you are feeling -

(((((((((((((((((((((peaches)))))))))))))))))))))))))

Wow, you described so eloquently what it feels like to have T gone. I have been there, felt that, and it hurts....reopening all of those childhood wounds that I didn't even know were THERE.

I think my T would say shutting down a little is okay, if it helps you get through. I have had to shut down when T has been gone...but the connection always comes back, some times faster than others. IT ALWAYS COMES BACK. So, do what you need to survive and not be in too much pain, and know that she will be back, and it will be safe again to be vulnerable.

And, of course, come talk to us. We are ALWAYS here.

Hang in there, okay??

[Kiya]

Peaches, I totally hear you. Like everyone's saying, you spelled this out loud and clear. I could have written this (had I such clear words as you). I just went through this. And instead of "numbness", or rather berfore it, I self injured. No one was there, like you said. I was abandoned and lost, panic was overwhelming me.... no one answered their phone, dr's had already gone home.... there was nothing left. In fact, with your permission, I'd like to print out the whittled down version (below) and take it to t because it clearly defines what I went through.

In the meantime, sending you LOTS and LOTS of hugs (full well knowing nothing can replace T).

Originally Posted by peaches100

somebody might understand. Or at least I can share it and know somebody will hear.

For awhile after t leaves, I get along fine. Keep myself very busy. Not let myself ruminate. Do life. But eventually, a certain spiral begins. there's no emotion yet. Just that empty, aching, pulling sensation. It is so uncomfortable. It's a physical hurting.
But once I become aware of the aching pulling feeling, I can't seem to block it out. At some point, I realize that the painful physical feeling must have something to do with my t being away. It feels like a "missing" or "going without." I tell myself that I'm fine and she'll be back soon, that I am an adult, and there is no reason to feel this way.

But as time goes on, feeling rises into a sort of panicked feeling. Like I need rescue but nobody is coming. The realization that neither t, nor anyone else, can rescue me from this feeling. At some point, it sinks in that this feels so bad, it can't just be about my t going on vacation. It has to be more. It has to be all the times in my life I've felt left behind, left alone invisible. I don't want to remember those times! I don't want to remember that feeling. By now, the pain is trying to push it's way out, and I am running from it. But eventually, the disappointment sinks in. The "I screamed for help and nobody came" feeling. A part of me knows that I'm overreacting, that t hasn't abandoned me. That I'm not that little girl facing a crisis all alone. But it feels that way. Every bit that way. In every cell of my body, every fiber of my being. I feel devastated and utterly abandoned. And then finally . . .I feel angry. Angry at t for not being there. Angry at myself for becoming attached and having to feel this way. The tough, armored me arrives, cynical and swaggering, with her heart slammed shut and announcing that "I don't care anyway, I don't need t, I don't need anyone!"

And then. . .just. . .numbness.

By the time t gets back in town, and I arrive at my session, I feel numb and all closed down. I don't want to look at her face. I don't want to connect. Even though nothing terrible happened during her absence, it was the being triggered that was terrible. It was the abandonment feelings that were the crisis. All the child part of me knows is that she suffered and hurt and t wasn't there, nobody was. I felt abandoned me in my time of need. I hate this. I hate PTSD. I hate BPD.

[Mouse_]

Peaches, Great post!! sorry its born out of pain, but non the less, there is a certain beauty about it all.