[hangingon]

I find myself getting so frustrated in the whole therapy process. I can't open up, I start to and then go off onto a subject that is much easier to talk about. I tell myself to just spit things out, but I can't

Its not like my T is a bad T, she is really nice and assuring. In my head, I know she is not going to say anything to anyone. I highly doubt she has any intention of harming me, yet, I still can't let things out.

In session this week, I was talking with her about being organized, clean, ect. I don't even remember how we got on the subject. Anyways, she asked me when I started to be like that. Like is there a time frame where that began growing up (I use to be a huge perfectionist). I had to think about it, never been asked that before. I sat there thinking and then a memory popped in my head. A bad memory, thats not when it started either. I think I have always been this way, at least for as long as I can remember.
I sat there really quiet because of the memory and I couldn't tell her about it. I didn't even let her know I had one. I just said I don't know when it started.

Somehow I started talking about being 8 years of age, don't ask me how I got there, actually its scary to think about that, where was my mind? I wonder why I would even pick up at that age and why I talked about the stuff I did. I mean I went way off topic. Anyways I told her about some of my friends at that age, then went on to talking about how I had always been really responsible, was the neighborhood babysitter ect.

I literally spent the whole session talking about nonsense. I feel like I wasted my whole session, now that I think about it, I wonder how strange that must have been to my T. She probably thinks I'm crazy.

I don't know if I can keep going back making a fool of myself. Do you ever feel like your not cut out for therapy?

Hangingon

[Sannah]

((((((((Hangingon)))))))))) . Your therapist has probably seen all sorts of people talking about other things to avoid talking about the "real" issues. Do you understand why you didn't want to tell her about the memory?

[chaotic13]

Originally Posted by hangingon

In session this week, I was talking with her about being organized, clean, ect. I don't even remember how we got on the subject. Anyways, she asked me when I started to be like that. Like is there a time frame where that began growing up (I use to be a huge perfectionist).

My T is big on trying to figure out when specifically I started to feel a certain way or when was the first time I recall ..X. Oftentimes these questions frustrate me. "I DON'T KNOW when I first realized I was a freak, I've just always been one!" Sometimes I just feel like rattling off some date...March 4th, 1978. I just find these questions aggravating because a lot of my symptoms are so chronic (or maybe even insidious) that if they did have an initial trauma or trigger...its been rewritten and covered with multiple layers of misinterpretation and dysfunctional thinking.

I hate when you reflect on a session and think...I wasted an hour of my life talking about something stupid.

[sunrise]

I sat there thinking and then a memory popped in my head. A bad memory, thats not when it started either. I think I have always been this way, at least for as long as I can remember.
I sat there really quiet because of the memory and I couldn't tell her about it. I didn't even let her know I had one. I just said I don't know when it started.

This type of memory is really important. T and I had some good breakthroughs in instances like this. I know earlier in therapy I wasn't good at sharing memories that popped up like that, but I've gotten much better, as I realize that they are significant and just the sort of thing T can use to help him better understand my problems and patterns and how best to help me. If you think of it as a tool you could offer to your T so that she could help you, maybe it wouldn't be as threatening to you to tell her. I do remember once sharing a flashback like that with T and afterwards, he thanked me so much for sharing and how I had helped him so much understand, and now he knew much better where I needed to go and how he could help me get there. He was really so grateful for this major clue on what was going on with me and what I needed in therapy. Since that time I have tried to be more forthcoming with those memories that pop up as they can only help my T help me. And that's why I'm there.

ETA: I agree the first time something happens in one's life isn't always what's important. Many of my problems come from a series of similar instances and feelings surrounding them, not just one key moment that started it all. The pattern becomes significant because it happened over and over again not because of the very first time.

[ECHOES]

I don't think you are making a fool of yourself at all, hangingon. But I do hear you when you say that it feels that way, to you.

I think your T would say the session went just fine. (As my T would say anything and everything is important. She has said that anything I choose to share with her helps her to know me better.) You went with what came to mind, you censored, like we all do even if we don't want to. It brought you to this place of evaluating how you want your sessions to go.

Sometimes, it's after session that I realize how the session went and I'm not happy with it (because I'm judging myself harshly for some reason or another), and so I go back and we talk about it next time.

Sometimes in the middle of the session, I'll get frustrated because I'm talking about something that really isn't important to me at the moment but I keep talking about it; I am still learning to say "I'm done with that. I want to talk about this now."

I can't tell you how many times I've said that I think she must find me stupid, boring, etc etc. Like last night, as a matter of fact. After 2 years, I still feel like I can't be "me" in there and I had a major meltdown because of the frustration and hopelessness I felt about it. Reconnecting and talking with T about the many parts of it helped so much. I told her that like you are feeling, I feel like I can't do therapy or that I don't "get it". (Too stupid, too inhibited, too 'nothing' of a life, etc.)

I encourage you to keep going. You like this T. You are frustrated with you. Keep going and trust the process that is different for each of us. Keep talking about this as often as you want to and need to.

[madisgram]

hangingon, i believe we all go thru this while in therapy. it could be you have some memories way back in your hidden mind that are too frightening to look at. i'd print out what you posted here and take it for your T to read. it will give her insight and then perhaps she can gently proceed to get to the root of the feelings you have. it's ok if you feel like you don't want to be rushed....talk about that to your T...t's understand these things...i'm confidant that your t wants to help you and doesn't think less of u for your concerns. keep us posted and i hope you will stay in therapy. it's difficult to bring out things we've "kept" for so long, but the results are so empowering.

[hangingon]

Sannah
I'm not sure why I didn't tell her about the memory. I think it's the fear of busting out crying in front of her. I have never cried in front of people growing up so its as if I feel this loss of control going on and I can't go there.

LOL chaotic your not a freak.
I know what you are saying though, it is very frustrating. My abuse started really young so it's hard to know when all this started because many of my memories from that time are very fragmented.

Sunrise,
I will try to take you up on your advise about sharing these memories. I know my T would like me to I just find it really difficult to do. I get sick thinking about them and worry about having to vomit ect...how embarrassing would that be. Then there is the whole feeling that I am going to loose control if I actually talk about them and feel them.

Echos,
I have thought the same thing about being stupid and boring because its really hard for me to open up, sometimes there is so much silence. Thanks for your advice. I have been really thinking of not going because I don't know how to do it. I feel like I am totally waisting her time. She always asks me in the beginning where I want the session to go and sometimes I don't even know what to say.

Madisgram,
Thanks I can try to talk with her about the memories. It's so much easier said than done though. When I get there it's like I shut down as soon as I walk through the door.

Thank you all for your advice, I will try my best...
Hangingon

[imapatient]

Hangingon, I can't begin to think of the number of sessions I've spent being just like you were. I think it's really common and normal.

There's an old proverb that says "When the student is ready, the teacher will appear."

Sometimes the teacher is ourselves, and the student is not ready yet.

You don't have to understand it right now. Just feel it and talk about it.

[del12]

I have spent my first few months skirting the issues that I came to talk about. I still do. I get very frustrated with my T and especially myself and start telling myself I am wasting my t's time and that my T probably thinks that I just come to whine about people in my life. I have a very difficlut time talking about me and my thoughts and how I feel about myself which is my major problem. I realize it is from the abuse I received growing up that shaped my own self worth and confidence.
I ended up writing it down and gave it to my T. I feel there is somewhat of a breakthrough because now I know my T knows how I really feel about my life (at least much of it not all) There are still some things I know I will eventually have to share, but I hope that now our sessions will lead to that when I am ready. I feel that there is a huge hole in the wall I built up and that my t can actually see a part of me. I was lucky that my T accepted my written expression of my thoughts in a positve way and was glad. What a break through for me! Good luck and keep plodding along, therapy is a road with many ups and downs. That is okay.

[ECHOES]

I know my T would like me to I just find it really difficult to do. I get sick thinking about them and worry about having to vomit ect...how embarrassing would that be. Then there is the whole feeling that I am going to loose control if I actually talk about them and feel them.

This is an excellent starting point. My T suggested we could, if I wanted to, talk about the fact that some things are difficult to talk about. We've spent time in different sessions talking about some things being hard to talk about -- without actually talking about those things, just talking about the difficulties-- the fears, worries, etc that are around it. Doing this has helped me so much in my therapy.

I am so amazed sometimes at the layers to things. I would never have thought of the idea of being able to explore the difficulties in talking about some things..without having to talk about those specific things at the time.

[sittingatwatersedge]

therapy is a road with many ups and downs. That is okay

del12

thanks for sharing your "ups" today. I really needed to hear it! breakthroughs are the best aren't they!

[hangingon]

Impatient,
Thanks for your words. I don't know what I am feeling right now other than I am beginning to not like going to therapy. I fear if I tell my T that she will say then you don't have to come. If I hear those words they will be my excuse not to go. Yet, inside I know the words would bother me.

del12,
I have a difficult time talking about me to. I once wrote an email to my T and she said most importantly I want to hear about you. I hate talking about me because I am not pleased with myself. I tend to be very critical of myself which doesn't help and I don't like the feelings that come up inside when I am the subject.

Echos,
I will try talking about it with my T. I sent her an email speaking a little bit about how I feel physically when I talk about memories. I hope she brings it up, if not, knowing me I probably won't bring it up. Sometimes I need that nudge I guess. Maybe I need to start at the difficulties to bring some normalcy to what I am feeling before going deeper. Honeslty, I really don't know. I have never done therapy in my life up until a about a year ago. I kept quiet about this stuff for the longest time. It's extremely difficult to talk about it now, especially with someone I barely know, whom in the end I am going to part from anyways.
Yet, if I don't talk about it, I feel as though I am going to explode. Last night I woke up from sleep and starting crying for nothing, I don't know whats going on me. Sometimes I feel like I am going to deal with this stuff for the rest of my life.

Hangingon

[hangingon]

Thanks sitting
I think its the ups and downs that really get to me. My life didn't feel this up and down till I started therapy.

[velcro003]

me either, hangingon!!

I constantly feel like I can't do therapy I said something to that effect last session. I told her that I just wish I could give her a problem, and we can fix it and move on. She goes "You are not a car. Its not like we can replace the transmission. There is no one way to do therapy." It made me feel better. She doesn't seem to want to beat me over the head when I just sit there in uncomfortable silence.

Last session I was SO sick of sitting in silence, that i just blurted out "I want to run around screaming right now" because I couldn't stand being in my own skin for awhile. She went "maybe it will help" ha. No thanks.

[del12]

Dear Hangingon,
I think you probably have a lot of company when it comes to talking about ourselves. I feel much like you do. It is so much easier talking about others, but when it comes to me the wall goes up. I think that is why I wrote about me and gave it to my T. I still can't say much about me. I am ashamed and embarressed that I feel the way I do about myself and that I have given up so much because I feel inadequate. It is the abuse from childhood and adulthood that has given me such low self esteem. I hate the fact that I have let it control me! I wonder who I really am behind this wall. Hopefully I will get there with the help of my T. There is a comfort knowing that my T knows how I feel and I know I took the chicken way out, but that is okay. I know that I will eventually have to address those isssues and it still scares me.
I am thinking of you! Hugs

[hangingon]

Velcro
I hate the silence as well. I told my T that, so there are times when she will ask me questions during the silence to break it, but there are other times when she lets me sit in silence, like when I am tearing up.
My old T once said, do you ever want to scream. I said I never scream lol that she would probably never catch me do it. Then she says do you want me to help you do it. I just laughed and said no thanks.
I know what you mean, sometimes I am so frustrated inside but don't know how exactly to let it out. Hopefully we can learn to do that in time.

Del,
I often wonder who I am behind this wall as well. I told my T once that I don't know who I am, that I feel like I have lived a lie. I know mine has alot to do with abuse as well. I would like to be me for once, the real me. I know I will have to address those issues, but all the feelings that accompany them right now leave me feeling really uncomfortable. Wishing you the best in approaching them.

hangingon

[del12]

Hangingon

There certainly is some comfort to know that I am not the only one in this universe that doesn't know who they are and live behind a wall.
I don't feel like such a "freak" well maybe not a freak, but my entire life I wondered what is wrong with me. Why can't I just be who I am . It is kind of scary to think I might find out, and at the same time exciting. Kind of like a roller coaster!

Originally Posted by del12

There certainly is some comfort to know that I am not the only one in this universe that doesn't know who they are and live behind a wall.
!

Oh, hello, I can join you in that prestigious club!!

Therapy is changing it....slowly, slowly, slowly. But it sure requires a lot of risk taking!

[velcro003]

well...risk taking SUCKS and is scary

Originally Posted by velcro003

well...risk taking SUCKS and is scary

((((((((((((((((((((((((velcro))))))))))))))))))))))))

It IS scary and it actually DOES suck...especially at first. I thought I would DIE taking the risks I had to take in therapy for a long time. And it was this constant take-a-risk-pull-away-take-a-risk-pull-away thing. T was SO patient while I spiraled and spiraled about every risk, no matter how seemingly insignificant to the outside world.

There is hope, though! T has shown me that he is solid, and steady, and predictable, and trustworthy, and caring, and none of my risk taking has been met with anything but acceptance and love....even while I was pulling away, scared to death of whatever risk I'd just taken. Over time, that has made it easier and easier to take the risks.

It's kind of a leap of faith. Scary, scary, but SO worth it if you have a good T

[MissCharlotte]

((Hanginon))

After 2.5 years I still feel like I can't do therapy "right." However, more and more I am able to share what's on my mind in the moment. I think it has to do with feeling safe at any given time. Maybe you weren't able to share that memory because you are still establishing a feeling of safety with this T.

Maybe you can write down the memory and tell T you had it but aren't yet ready to share. I think someone here (earthmama?) used to write down things and keep them in a box at T's. I loved that idea. Just keep working on the relationship with T and you will get there in your own time. There is no stopwatch ticking and no alarm will go off and say "time's up!" We all are individuals and each process is unique.

Take care.

Originally Posted by MissCharlotte

((Hanginon))


I think someone here (earthmama?) used to write down things and keep them in a box at T's. I

I did do that and it really helped.

[hangingon]

Thanks Velcro, earthmama, and Miss C

My T did tell me that here is no timeframe for me in therapy. But I was kind of confused because in the beginning, when I first started seeing her, I said if you have plans of moving soon ect, it would be nice to know because I don't want to get deep into these things and then have you leave, some have told me this stuff takes time.

She said obviously you will not be able to see me forever, that it typically takes 2-3 years. She also said she can't guarantee me that but that she will be here for this year.

I was actually a bit upset at the way she expressed that to me. My insecurities I am sure. Though I never told her that. Somehow it wasn't reassuring for me and left me thinking that she is planning on moving before long but just didn't want to tell me.

I worry because my last T started her own practice but said she could keep seeing me, yet, her new place was an hour away, near where she lived. I didn't trust that she would actually follow through with that, that she would adventually get sick of travelling and not want to see me anymore. So I left her before that happened, that and I didn't really connect with her.

I am really going to try to at least share the memory with her if I can, I am not sure that I am ready to share what happened to me before the the flashback, the abused that caused me to do what I was doing in the memory. I just feel out of control when I can't hold the emotions back, and when I talk about these things my emotions are going crazy inside. I try so hard to contain them.

I agree Velcro, it is pretty sucky.