[hangingon]

I mentioned earlier that I was having a really hard time being able to share something with my T.

When I go to therapy I shared some of my fears of sharing with her. After that I showed her the timeline that she wanted me to make of all the houses I had lived in growing up, and some of the things I remembered from each one. I gave it to her last night. When we were looking at it I had noticed I had left some things out, so she said would you like to add them now, while they are fresh. I said alright. So I started filling them in and then I had to stop, I realized it was so hard to do because so many memories came flooding in. She had asked me what I was feeling/thinking. I told her that its hard looking at the timeline. She said what do you see, I said crap, I lived in chaos. She said yes, and look at the decisions the adults in your life were making.
At that point, I had to put the paper down and then began to share with her one of the memories. I kept starting and stopping, I tried so hard not to cry but then a small amount of tears came. She asked me if I had compassion for that little girl in me, she said I have compassion towards her. I said no, I am disgusted with her.
Then she says, I want to care for her. I would love for you to be able to share your pain with me because you have carried it alone for so long. The first thought I had was why, why would you want to do that. I couldn't come out and say that to her though. I just feel underserving of it, and of course I am afraid to really open up because I am afraid that I will become too much for her or that she will not want to see me anymore.

Therapy can be so stinking hard....
hangingon

[eskielover]

The thing you have to understand is that your T/psychologist has been trained to handle the things you are not wanting to share with her because you think they are too much for her to handle. They have been trained to work with these problems & to help you get them out from inside of you so you can let go......they care....yes, it's their JOB to care, but if they really didn't are to help people with problems like you are dealing with, they never would have gone through all that education & decided on the career they are in. No, they aren't personally involved with your pain.....but that doesn't mean they don't care or that it's an impersonal situation with them.....they do distance, but they do care very much......so please let go & share with her & put the fears you stated here away.
Fears you have inside yourself for yourself....& fear of bringing out these things that's different, but don't keep them inside because you are afraid of what it will do to your therapist.

Keep going on this path...she is there to help & will not be hurt by it herself.

Debbie

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by hangingon

I told her that its hard looking at the timeline. She said what do you see, I said crap, I lived in chaos. She said yes, and look at the decisions the adults in your life were making.
wow what a statement. that really speaks volumes to me!!

Then she says ... I would love for you to be able to share your pain with me because you have carried it alone for so long. The first thought I had was why, why would you want to do that. I couldn't come out and say that to her though. T and I had this same exchange long ago. I did say that to her. Why do you want to hear all this? I asked; they're not even your problems, I told her. She said, no, but I'm trained.

I think that it makes a lot of sense to shift the burden to someone stronger while you get your breath back. I told T, this is getting too heavy.
say Hangingon - do we by any chance have the same T?!

[sunrise]

When my T and I first started together and I was beginning to want to share yuck memories, I had a lot of reluctance and he wanted to know why. One reason was I didn't want to subject him to these memories. They were awful and I didn't want anyone else to have to hear them. They were bad enough for just me to know about. I didn't want him to experience them too. He told me he has heard that many, many times from clients and he appreciated my concern for him. He then told me about his training and how he is prepared to hear these things, and he told me the many, very difficult memories he has heard from clients (not in great detail, but in categories), like sexual abuse, cult torturings, war and battle stories from soldiers, etc., etc. And he told he was able to handle all of this and he could handle my memories too. I did realize then I didn't have to worry about him. And we moved on to examining all the other reasons I was reluctant to share with him. (We dealt with them one by one.)

Hangingon, your T sounds very caring, and I am sure she has the training to hear what you have to tell. It sounds like you shared some of your vulnerability and pain at your session and she was able to hold that for you. You are taking steps and sharing more and more. You sound like you're doing really well in therapy.

[hangingon]

Eskielover,
Thanks for your words. I am trying to let things out, I still have apprehension. Intellectually I know she is not out to hurt me but its still difficult because much of what happened to me was at the hands of those I was suppose to trust. Trust is a huge barrier for me. I am working on that. I will do my best to try to open up more with her and realize that what I say is not going to hurt her.

Lol sitting,
hmmm, same T, I don't know. Do you live in MD lol. If so its a possiblity Sounds like you have a great T as well. Keep up the good work of opening up to her, I know its really difficult.

Sunrise,
Thanks, I think that the issues of reluctance are things I really need to work on. I know what some of them probably stem from. My desire is that in time I am really able to allow myself to be a bit more vulnerable, to allow her to help me.

hangingon

(((((((((((((((((((((((hangingon)))))))))))))))))))))))))

What a big step! So brave.

T can and will handle whatever you need to share. You don't have to be alone with it ever again

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by hangingon

EskieloverLol sitting,
hmmm, same T, I don't know. Do you live in MD lol. If so its a possiblity

Maryland - no - and too long a commute too!

[Mouse_]

Originally Posted by hangingon

I mentioned earlier that I was having a really hard time being able to share something with my T.

When I go to therapy I shared some of my fears of sharing with her. After that I showed her the timeline that she wanted me to make of all the houses I had lived in growing up, and some of the things I remembered from each one. I gave it to her last night. When we were looking at it I had noticed I had left some things out, so she said would you like to add them now, while they are fresh. I said alright. So I started filling them in and then I had to stop, I realized it was so hard to do because so many memories came flooding in. She had asked me what I was feeling/thinking. I told her that its hard looking at the timeline. She said what do you see, I said crap, I lived in chaos. She said yes, and look at the decisions the adults in your life were making.
At that point, I had to put the paper down and then began to share with her one of the memories. I kept starting and stopping, I tried so hard not to cry but then a small amount of tears came. She asked me if I had compassion for that little girl in me, she said I have compassion towards her. I said no, I am disgusted with her.
Then she says, I want to care for her. I would love for you to be able to share your pain with me because you have carried it alone for so long. The first thought I had was why, why would you want to do that. I couldn't come out and say that to her though. I just feel underserving of it, and of course I am afraid to really open up because I am afraid that I will become too much for her or that she will not want to see me anymore.

Therapy can be so stinking hard....
hangingon

I think we are very tuned in to insincereity, and perhaps that statment that she would love to have you share your pain with her, sounded a bit like that?? I know I much perfer watching my T's breathing as I talk about things, that way I no the body doesn't lie...trust takes a long time to build and people just expecting us to dump a baggage because they say they want us too, isn't as simple as ABC.

[phoenix7]

I found it really hard to share memories - or events - PC helped me with that I ended up showing my parts of a thread Id started and we went on from there - T said Im sorry that happened to you and I said why? you didnt do it? so why should you say sorry? (eek ) I think I was angry that id told her and was waiting for her to reject me - so I pushed it with that comment - somthing I would never usually say - and T said
No I didnt have any part in the harm that was done - but it was a bad thing and I want you to know that I am sorry it happened to you - and that meant a lot to me - I'd never shared that memory with another person..... maybe I wasnt quite as bad a person as I thought I was

Im glad you managed to share some memories - I hope it helps you and makes it easier for you next time

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by phoenix7

T said Im sorry that happened to you and I said why? you didnt do it? so why should you say sorry? (eek )

someone once said to me, "When I said 'sorry', that wasn't responsibility, that was regret; as in, 'I'm sorry it rained on your vacation'."
It made sense to me. Of course a lot more regret is due when the issue so much larger; but it comes from a caring heart, and that's what we rely on T for after all, at least in part.
How hard it must be to keep a balance between a caring heart and the necessity of keeping a level head at all times. How do they do it....

[hangingon]

Mouse,
When I am sharing, I notice the breathing thing alot with my T. My other therapist never did that so at first I was a little weirded out by it. Now I notice that she senses what I am saying is emotionally hard and its almost like shes breathing for me. I am bad at breathing in T. I think its actually more empathy than anything on her part.

Phoenix,
I agree being able to come here and talk about things has allowed me do things in therapy that I would have taken a whole lot longer to do or would perhaps have never done.


Sitting,
My T used the words I know that was hard for you in reference to something that happened, I so wanted to blurt out "you haven't got a clue" but I didn't. One of these days I hope to learn to actually tell her what I am thinking, I believe I fear anger and never blurt things out to people in fear of hurting feelings ect..
Thats something else I need to learn to do, of course in and appropriate way

Hangingon

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by hangingon

When I am sharing, I notice the breathing thing alot with my T. My other therapist never did that so at first I was a little weirded out by it. Now I notice that she senses what I am saying is emotionally hard and its almost like shes breathing for me. .................

My T used the words I know that was hard for you in reference to something that happened, I so wanted to blurt out "you haven't got a clue" but I didn't.

I hardly ever look at T, especially when I am "sharing" I look at the floor; this breathing thing is a completely new thing for me. maybe I can try to look out for it rather than just assume I know how she is feeling at what I tell her.

as far as T having a clue, without details my T has let me know that her background really does include many of the things I am telling her about; I think she knows quite well how to weigh what I am saying. I am very grateful for that.
But even if it were not the case, I think that being in the profession for some years will expose them to enough kinds of suffering that they do really understand.

[Sannah]

Hangingon, good work!!!!!!!!!!! Keep going.............

[phoenix7]

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

someone once said to me, "When I said 'sorry', that wasn't responsibility, that was regret; as in, 'I'm sorry it rained on your vacation'."
It made sense to me. Of course a lot more regret is due when the issue so much larger; but it comes from a caring heart, and that's what we rely on T for after all, at least in part.
How hard it must be to keep a balance between a caring heart and the necessity of keeping a level head at all times. How do they do it....

it makes sense to me too - and it made a difference when she said it - I didnt think it would but it did - and how do they do it? maybe they have therapists too

[chaotic13]

She asked me if I had compassion for that little girl in me, she said I have compassion towards her. I said no, I am disgusted with her.
Then she says, I want to care for her. I would love for you to be able to share your pain with me because you have carried it alone for so long.

Wow, this exchange sound really deep...it gave me chills. I don't think I would have been able to handle hearing that. I totally get your immediately asking yourself WHY?? I don't get it either. Train or not...doesn't mean they really want to work that hard. But then again... maybe some people are just have a calling to help others. It would be very hard for me to accept without looking for some hidden agenda or something...I know that is really shallow thinking on my part.

Hangon... your T sounds really caring.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by phoenix7

maybe they have therapists too

boy I sure hope so. Working with someone like me is enough to drive anyone crazy