i'm sure people have posted about this here before but this is a busy forum and i don't read here very often so i apologize in advance if this has been asked a lot

i'm really terrified of bothering my T. i gave him a list of goals a bit back and one of them was to ask more favours, but i'm frankly too scared to ask him any (let alone anyone). it really makes it hard to talk to him when i'm scared i'll get abandoned.

normally i'd think it pretty normal (for me) because i don't like trying to ask much of people and i'm always scared i'll come off as rude, i don't like to seem needy or annoying, but it kind of makes it hard to work through things in therapy when i'm too worried to actually ask anything

there's things i want to talk about in therapy, things he does that bother me and things i think are off bounds and i'm not ready to talk about yet, but i'm too nervous to actually speak up about any of it. that just leads to anger and frustration and getting stuck in reverse.

it's dumb, because this is just my T- i haven't known him for that long and i know 'abandonment issues' have been kind of raging with me lately, but generally only with people i know well-ish, i don't really like my therapist that much, it bothers me that i'm bothered, if that makes sense? i shouldn't care about being abandoned by him, because it's not like i get along with him super well, he's just my therapist. good guy i suppose, pretty bright, but i not someone worth getting all nervous about?

does this make any sense? i want to speak up in therapy, it's a goal of mine, but i'm really scared and it's dumb to be scared

okay, vent over

Yes, the same thing happened to me with my last therapist. For the same reasons really (Well, I'm not sure if my rejection issues are the same as your abandonment issues, but since the two go hand-in-hand they have the same effects)

I guess it just takes a lot of time until you feel comfortable enough with the person to do those sorts of things. I was never comfortable telling my old therapist anything, and she read into that is me being perfectly fine and being bored by the whole process, so eventually I just decided to terminate. The strangest thing happened though- on our last day together I finally felt relaxed enough to tell her things. It was odd, but thinking about it, makes sense.

But, what I did is probably not the best thing, since in the end it accomplished nothing. But I guess my suggestion is to take your time and the relationship is strong enough where you feel comfortable establishing boundries, because there is no rush.

[Simcha]

Originally Posted by Griffe

i'm sure people have posted about this here before but this is a busy forum and i don't read here very often so i apologize in advance if this has been asked a lot

i'm really terrified of bothering my T. i gave him a list of goals a bit back and one of them was to ask more favours, but i'm frankly too scared to ask him any (let alone anyone). it really makes it hard to talk to him when i'm scared i'll get abandoned.

normally i'd think it pretty normal (for me) because i don't like trying to ask much of people and i'm always scared i'll come off as rude, i don't like to seem needy or annoying, but it kind of makes it hard to work through things in therapy when i'm too worried to actually ask anything

there's things i want to talk about in therapy, things he does that bother me and things i think are off bounds and i'm not ready to talk about yet, but i'm too nervous to actually speak up about any of it. that just leads to anger and frustration and getting stuck in reverse.

it's dumb, because this is just my T- i haven't known him for that long and i know 'abandonment issues' have been kind of raging with me lately, but generally only with people i know well-ish, i don't really like my therapist that much, it bothers me that i'm bothered, if that makes sense? i shouldn't care about being abandoned by him, because it's not like i get along with him super well, he's just my therapist. good guy i suppose, pretty bright, but i not someone worth getting all nervous about?

does this make any sense? i want to speak up in therapy, it's a goal of mine, but i'm really scared and it's dumb to be scared

okay, vent over

Hi Griffe.
It's normal to have difficulties in discussing things that have been private for part of your life (usually many things over several years are this way) with someone, even if they are a therapist. I always take it slow and go low.

I'd suggest to start with telling him that you are really nervous and it gives you anxiety to talk about the things you need to talk about. He should accept that for what it is and you can work on building trust and a no-pressure strategy to open up more. Don't be surprised if it takes time.

The other thing is to make your own list of things to discuss with him. You can take this list with you, or you can write it down at home via a journal (journals are VERY helpful in processing feelings and events that have entangled our life). Make sure you try to work on the most pressing issues that are negatively impacting your present before you work away at the past.

I started by telling my T that I was "bad" at therapy and not very open and I wanted to be. I still have things I haven't discussed in detail with him, even after two years. I'm a tough case to crack in terms of my difficulty in discussing my emotions and behavior to events, but therein lies the key to greater self-confidence and happiness.

You can do it, you just need to stop beating yourself up. Tell your T you are beating yourself up over this issue, and go from there. You can do it.

[darkrunner]

Originally Posted by Simcha

The other thing is to make your own list of things to discuss with him. You can take this list with you, or you can write it down at home via a journal (journals are VERY helpful in processing feelings and events that have entangled our life).

(((((((Griffe))))))))

Simcha'a advice is good, but understandably not so easy.
It is NOT dumb to be scared.....in fact it makes a lot of sense to be scared!
You will have to be brave, so be gentle with yourself and give yourself time. Try little baby steps, instead of feeling like you have to tackle it all in one session.

It sounds like you beat yourself up over your feelings....but your feelings are your feelings - they are not right or wrong. Try to take it easy on yourself (hard, I know!)......

sending

[cantstopcrying]

Griffe---what wonderful steps you are taking to even want that as a goal! Well done! I totally agree with the idea of letting him know that you really don't do well opening up but are working on it. If you do write down things you want to discuss, things that bother you, etc., it's ok to give that list to him. One thing I do when we talk about stuff that is really hard for me or if I feel like I'm asking too much as to not look at him. It's silly, I know, but sometimes I ascribe to the ostrich theory of "if I can't see you, you can't see me." I also take paper and pen in there and doodle as we talk...for me it seems to relieve some tension and worry. My big thing is he's going to listen to me and say, "really? that's why you're here? Get out, I have people with much worse problems than you." Obviously that hasn't happened, but I'm waiting for it to, so I do tend to hold back a little. The fear of abandoment doesn't especially have to do with attachement...it's laying your life out there for someone and being scared they will leave...totally understandable.

i never realized how busy & active this forum was

i actually do have a list of things he does that bother me, he doesn't mind that i doodle/write to myself during therapy because i tend to hate eye contact and i like fiddling with something to keep my mind busy. i never really show him anything i write because i'm scared it'll seem weird and stuff. even when i get homework i wind up redoing it a few times to make it seem more "correct" and "normal". i know i'm counter-productive.

it gets really frustrating often when i don't like the direction things are going in / wish it would take a certain direction and it doesn't.

so thank you for the suggestions, appreciate it, i'll make sure to read them over

[cantstopcrying]

do you mean your thread is taking a direction you don't want? What is that, what can we do to get it back on track. I apologize if I took it wrong. Let me know and we'll see if we can head it back to where it should go.

no, no, not at all, i mean therapy, sorry

[cantstopcrying]

Oh, gotcha!! I hear you on that....my t has a tendency to ramble about his growing up and his military time and I just want to scream...HELLOOOOO....remember me...the one whose name you can't even remember!!

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by Griffe

it gets really frustrating often when i don't like the direction things are going in / wish it would take a certain direction and it doesn't.

Griffe, I was so happy to read this thread of yours! Not that you are frustrated of course, but that you are moving ahead in therapy to realize these things! Like the others have said, I agree you fit in pretty much with a lot of people and how they feel in therapy.

What you said up there where I quoted you ^, this would probably be good stuff to discuss in therapy or here or both..........

Originally Posted by Griffe

i'm really terrified of bothering my T. i gave him a list of goals a bit back and one of them was to ask more favours, but i'm frankly too scared to ask him any (let alone anyone). it really makes it hard to talk to him when i'm scared i'll get abandoned.

normally i'd think it pretty normal (for me) because i don't like trying to ask much of people and i'm always scared i'll come off as rude, i don't like to seem needy or annoying, but it kind of makes it hard to work through things in therapy when i'm too worried to actually ask anything

there's things i want to talk about in therapy, things he does that bother me and things i think are off bounds and i'm not ready to talk about yet, but i'm too nervous to actually speak up about any of it. that just leads to anger and frustration and getting stuck in reverse.

i want to speak up in therapy, it's a goal of mine, but i'm really scared and it's dumb to be scared

It's not dumb to be scared, it's quite normal. Have you thought of a plan on this yet?