Touch In Therapy

I tell my children every day that I love them. I try and make sure I remember to give them lots of physical contact...even if I'm personally wanting my space. My mother was a wonderful person... but for some reason...I have no memories of her hugging, conforting, or contacting me. I know this was not all her fault... I was a very difficult child--of that I am sure. My kids seem to really respond to touch and like to be cuddled, I try my hardest to meet those needs. According to my T this is how healing occurs. By providing others with what we really needed or would have benefited from most as children.

I am learning so much reading everyone's touch thoughts and stories. This is a great thread!

Mouse, it sounds like your T is being very respectful of your boundaries, since once in the past you told her you didn't want a hug. So she is giving you space and I think trying to provide an opening if you want to revisit that. She sounds very approachable. I hope you can talk about it if that is what you want.

Stumpy, cherylann, and chaotic: I could really relate to your stories of not having positive touch as a child from your parents (I had plenty of negative). This touch deprivation left me awkward and shy about touch, just not knowing how to do it (and also not feeling worthy of love). I have gotten a lot better with touch. Especially with boyfriends, even when quite young I was very physical and affectionate. I loved getting the affection from them, it helped fill the hole of no affection from the parents, so I think that drove me to be physically affectionate. So I'm not the most demonstrative person today, but I am comfortable with touch and really like it. Stumpy I think it is very touching what your T said to you, "maybe someday you will hug me back". I hope you get there too.

I am in my forties, and my mother had never hugged me until Thanksgiving 2007. We were all meeting up for Thanksgiving at my sister's and I had come in her house and I began chatting in the kitchen with relatives and my mom didn't know I had joined her circle. She turned around and said, "Sunny! I didn't know you were here!" and then gave me a hug. I was SHOCKED. I did not respond at all but just stood there very straight and stiff and let her hug me. She has NEVER done that. She has never told me "I love you" either, etc. etc. I have wondered all my life if she loved me. (I asked her that once when I was a teen and she wouldn't answer, she just got angry and started yelling at me, and stomped off. Talk about rejection.... ) And now at this age, when I'm a middle-aged adult, she gives me a hug? I think I wanted to be welcoming but I was just shocked and stiff. Then she hugged one of my sisters, who was also in the circle. And then my other sister, the host, entered the kitchen and saw this hug--maybe she saw both hugs--and said, rather indignantly (not jokingly at all), "they get a hug and I don't?" It was clear not one of us had ever had a hug from our mother. So my mother hugged her too. It was just a weird scene--we were all quite taken aback--I don't think I have processed what happened yet, strange as that may sound, as it has been a year and a half since this happened. (If she knew how to give hugs, why did she withhold them all those years??? ) I never told my T about this incident, but maybe I should, and he could help me process. I do have a much better relationship with my mom today than I did 20-30 years ago, or even 3 years ago, before beginning therapy.

Chaotic, that is the situation with me too. I think because of the lack of hugging and affection from my mother (and father), it was very important to me that my kids not experience that and always wonder if I loved them. So every day of their lives, I have told them that I love them, and I have hugged them when able to. (My youngest does not like to be touched, so that's hard, but I offer anyway, and once in a while she will accept.)

Sunny... the thing that I cannot make sense of in my own situation is... MY MOTHER WAS A VERY LOVING AND CARING PERSON. I remember her being very close to my brother. My friend from childhood mentioned that she loved to sleep over my house because my mother would give her a hug good night. I have NO MEMORY of my mother hugging or kissing me good night. Her standing at the doorway wishing me good night and turning out the light, yes... approaching my bed..no. I think I was just a freaky little kid that wasn't touch because.... I was a freak. This makes me wonder what was really wrong with me?...Did something happen when I was too little to remember? I just remember a lot of tension... she was walking on eggshells for some reason...I don't get it... and it bugs me.

Lots of Loving hugs to all (who would like them)

For some reason, both of these comments cracked me up because it is my T who says "share a hug?" and these comments made me picture him out of the blue asking this and the image was funny to me. I wanted you guys to know it was not out of nowhere that he asked me this and we did have lots of preparation, but not the sort of prep you are talking about. Our preparation was spending hours together, growing closer, connecting, my learning to trust, each sharing parts of our lives, etc. To me the first hug did not seem out of the blue at all. It just seemed very appropriate and very natural--an extension of our closeness in therapy. But it was still nice he didn't assume anything and invited me to hug. So yeah, we did a ton of ground work.... But we never talked about a hug before it happened. I didn't have any yearning for one or anything like that. It just happened because it was right. I think T would not have initiated this by asking "share a hug?" if he wasn't fairly certain it would be right, if I would have been "freaked", etc. I like how our attunement doesn't always require words (but they never hurt and are often included).

Today T and I shared a hug. It was unusual because it wasn't during our therapy session. As I've written many times before, T plays a dual (actually triple) role for me--all different professional roles. Today we were in one of our meetings where he is not acting as my T and it wasn't going well. We had some breaks and talks and I was just so very, very frustrated. And angry. And feeling powerless, helpless, grrrrrr, arrrrghh, sigh

He and I were standing alone looking out the window and I was trying to pull it all together and continue. All of a sudden I just really wanted a hug, for comfort, and I moved an inch closer and he reached out and hugged me. It felt great. Just what I needed. Very spontaneous and empathetic--no words necessary.

Sunrise, Do you think I could borrow your T?

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I'm glad T was there for you today when you needed him...

What I hate most in any situation is the moment you are in a situation where time freezes and you are ...caught in a hug -- don't hug moment. I HATE that. Its at those times where I realize... I messed up and and now look like an ***.

Today I love reading about the T hugs. I have learned that sometimes when I'm longing for touch, it's better for me if I avoid reading about others' experiences. Instead, it's better if I look further inward, rather than outward, to see what's going on there...

I did get to hug my T once. When I had only been seeing her for several months, she had to have something medically done and expected to be out for weeks. On my last visit before she would be out, I asked if I could give her a hug (selfish desire and compassion both, I should be ashamed for taking advantage of her medical situation to "get" a hug for me). Anyway, I asked if I could, and she just said "Sure ". It was wonderful even though I was truly afraid of losing her too.

So, while I've had that opportunity, I haven't just been able to ask for one again. I'm afraid she would say No and that would hurt more than it does to long for it. It would be good if I could just talk about it when I'm feeling that longing, but I hide it. Now that is just this moment occurring to me that I need to talk about it, without worrying about the outcome.

OK... We are all hooked on touch...Here's a situation that I would like to avoid happening. I've been going to T for..a few years...we've managed to break down the defenses worked through all this heavy emotional crap, I've "securely" attached to her, and it is time for me to fly solo. If you hug your college classmates and even instructors as you say good bye at graduation...Would simply saying thank you and walking a way...be enough?

I don't know what that last therapy day will be like...but just saying goodbye, see ya ...when I have my next meltdown... and walking a way doesn't seem to do the relationship justice. Even for a touch freak like me.

I guess i just had to add my thoughts ..
I have been with my T now for about 3 1/2 years and i dont know that i will ever forget that first time she asked if it was ok to touch my hands . I dont remember any prep work before that except just getting closer , trust ect .. normal things in therapy . Any way i thought i would die when i said yes and she actually touched my hands , for the first time i nearly cried and said something like .. i cant even fathom why anyone normal like you would want to touch the likes of me...I would say that happened somewhere in the first year or so of T . Since then the hand holding isnt an everyday experience , but happens when there is a difficult topic. Sometimes i say no , but mostly i say yes. A while later T asked me if she could give me a hug , but it was a long time before i even considered that an option . And some months later i did one time ask for a hug after a session . Since that time there have probably been about 4 times that T asked me if she could give me a hug , and although most times i want it very much i still say no . About a week and a half ago i had a particularly hard session and T again asked me if it would be ok to hug me , again i refused , but still want it so much .. i think i am going to talk about this some in the coming weeks and see if i can find a way to accept her offer for hugs .
By the way i dont remember any good hugs , i love you's anything like that from mom or dad in my entire life ! Yet i am very touchy with my children.

I think it is amazing how many of us are willing to offer others safe caring touch even though it is so difficult for us to receive it ourselves. Everytime I hug and tell my children I love them, I feel I am doing my little part in breaking the cycle of abuse.

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This is such a nice thought.

My kids have had (and still have) so much loving touch....I carried them in a sling when they were babies, so we were touching all the time...and I love to hug and cuddle with them. I homeschool, and at the end of each kids' school day we have what we playfully call "love school" where we hug and kiss each other

My oldest, who just turned 12, hugs me constantly (even at baseball in front of the team!) and loves to reach over and hold my hand for a minute when we are in the car. He is this super grounded, independent, popular kid, who is known for always having a smile on his face. It makes me so happy to see him so happy and affectionate...My youngest is very cuddly too - he loves hugs and kisses. My middle has autism, but he's made HUGE strides in being able to be physically affectionate

I love that so many people here are so affectionate with their kids. It's so amazing that we can turn around and give what we never got....and so healing as well.

Treehouse, My kids are the same way...it is hard to believe they are mine. LOL. Actually they are teaching me about the power of touch too. It is my oldest who often reaches out for physical contact... Often when I given him the hug he needs, I realize I needed it too.

LOL! Exactly!

((Treehouse)) when I look them I don't feel like such a cancer cell.

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at a particularly dark time in my life I once dreamed that T held me while I cried - it was very comforting even though in real life T would never offer and I would never accept this - and anyway I cant cry so thats that ! - when my sessions with my last T finished we shook hands - I so wanted to give him a hug - but I couldnt - I can give my neices and nephews a hug and hold the hands of patients who are upset or rub their back -massage thier hands or feet - but touch for me is still hard - i suppoes that should say receiving....

I was in a workshop today to advance my manual therapy skills. OMG, it was a very light touch technique but it required a lot of concentration to perform correctly. Basically, you have to....be totally Present as you work with the tissue.It was the coolest thing to actually bring my focus totally into my body then transmit it to my patient.

The other neat thing was that I tolerated it fairly well when it done on me...which is a major improvement.

I don't know about when touch should or shouldn't be done in psychotherapy. But when done with a therapeutic intent...it is a powerful modality.

Sounds to me like Healing Touch and/or Reiki.
Very powerful stuff when the mind and body work together to heal...

My fantasies about touch in therapy are the opposite of what I can tolerate. I always used to have a fantasy, similar to your dream, Phoenix, that I was running around my T's office, throwing things. She would have to stop me, so she would hold me. I would cry, and be comforted. I wanted to cry and be held, like a child.

But, I never cried in therapy. At my last session, she hugged me. Prior to that, she said that if she touched or hugged me, it would not be good for me. She said I would not be able to handle it. I am not comfortable with being touched.I know I would cringe if she had touched or hugged me. Or else it would feel so good that I would just get too excited during my sessions, and would want more and more.

I didn't expect a hug at my last session, but it was very nice! I had occasion to hug her again, but it wasn't in therapy. That was nice, too. They were hugs as an adult, not a child, and I didn't have any ill effects from them.

I saw a therapist once who did comfort me, a lot, when I was crying, or sad. I LOVED it, but I'm confused about whether it was good for me. I don't know if I started to cry more so I could be held, making things more dramatic than they were, and seem more pathological than they were. Or maybe it was all real and I don't want to think about it now. I don't know if it made me feel healed, or made me feel rescued - and more dependent. The relationship terminated for other reasons, but I wonder about the contribution of the extensive physical comforting.

Now I'm afraid of hugs because I don't know what they mean.

The first time I have had touch in therapy was when I was seeing a new psych doc because my other one didn't work the only day I could come in from school. He always wanted to shake hands and it just made me feel awkward. I don't like to be touch ever (except by my cats but hey :P ) because as a little girl I was bullied so much I thought that they must think my skin was slimy (don't know how I made that connection but...) and somehow that thought (along with another childhood issue) did something in my head that made me not wanting to be touched at all. My newest T tried to touch my arm but I jerked back and that just made me feel really anxious and then I felt so guilty and why couldn't I be like a 'regular' person and just shake hands. So, in my case, I do not want touch in my therapy but for other people, if it works go for it.

I struggle with the idea of touching. Over time, I hve withdrawn so much and lost so much trust in people that I can't stand being touched. It's something that we are going to start working on in t, but I can't get my head around the idea. T has told me that we can go at my pace, and that she will always ask before she touches me in any way (be that a hug, a touch on the arm, etc). And she has kept true to her word. I often think about it and fantasize about her giving me a big hug. She has asked me if I want a hug, and I used to so flat out no. Lately, when she asked, I have given it a little hesitation before refusing, which I think is a good sign. I was psyching myself up to get a hug right before she left, but I was too shaken and I retreated back. Now I feel like I'm at sq 1, in more ways than just touch. Sigh. I wish it wasn't like that, because I felt like I was SO CLOSE.

My T always puts he hand on my shoulder or back as I leave. She has done it since I started seeing her, and so I'm used to it. It feels safe.

We discussed her hugging me, and I said I didn't want it to happen. When I am upset though she leans towards me, or puts her hands close to, but not onto my hands. It's really helpful,

I always worry that if we hugged, i wouldn't know what to do with my arms, like whether to hug her back or whatever.