Has your T ever talked to you about countertransference??

My T told me something today...something I said in a voice mail to him caused him to have a strong (negative) reaction...and he realized that such a strong reaction must mean something (because feelings are information! his mantra!). He thought about it and realized it was a total countertransference reaction and then he was able to step back, hear what I was really saying, and what was really going on, and respond appropriately.

The weird thing about it was that in telling me about his reaction, he was basically telling me one of his own "issues"...which he has definitely NEVER done before. It was fine, because I feel so comfortable and safe with him..but it's also kind of odd to have that little peek into HIS stuff.

I had a session on Wednesday right after my head injury before I realized how bad it was, and then again this morning, and there was just no way in either of them I could do any "work". Wednesday was a little weird, but we both knew this morning that we were really just going to hang out and connect before our week off. It's kind of odd how it all panned out - because if you go to your therapist, but don't do therapy, what the heck else are you going to do? So we ended up just talking, like friends. Actually, he booted up his computer at one point today when my head really started hurting and I needed to rest and not even converse for a minute and we watched funny videos.

Now that I am remembering it, I just remembered that the topic came up because of PC- I was telling him that I am on a therapy message board and that there was a discussion of people's therapists being in therapy themselves, and I was telling him I like how he can separate his stuff from what's going on in the room - and that's when he told me about it...

SO! Any countertransference stories you want to share??

[Luce]

Umm, just that my T told me she was trying to figure out why whenever she was with me she didn't feel real. She said she realised after every session she had with me she had to take time to reconnect with herself.

In that same session she repeatedly asked me if I would feel more comfortable with a different therapist, and if I thought I would be able to develop a connection with her eventually.

She didn't divulge any more than that. I worried about it for weeks.

[mightaswelllive]

Luce that's horrifying!

I actually had a countertransference experience today. I was joking about a survey I took online and I could see that something really made her cringe and I pointed out that I thought it was funny but clearly she didn't. I'm doing psy research and we don't talk about it but she knows I grasp the process and she went off on a mini research rant and I thought it was funny but odd. She couldn't even hear the point I was making in the story - it was too much for her. It was a silly story so it was okay that she didn't hear but I was just so surprised at how much she cringed. ha

My T talks about it. There is a difference between negative and positive transference.

Positive is the therapist's genuine, authentic emotional reaction to the client-- a reaction that connects them to the emotions of the client and can is beneficial to the relationship. The feelings also help the therapist figure out what the client is feeling-- ex: the client's presentation elicits anxiety within the therapist-- by analyzing his countertransference, he can get an idea of the anxiety that his client is feeling at the moment.

Negative transference is when the feelings that are elicited in the therapist are related to his/her own problems, and are not beneficial to the relationship, and would not serve any purpose in contributing to information about the CLIENT. The feelings needs to be analyzed by the therapist (and often with a supervisor or the therapist's own therapy) because the emotional reaction is about him.

It's important to realize that positive/negative does not mean good feeling/bad feeling. They are just names that countertransference has been given in order to distinguish helpful feelings/reactions to the client-- that benefit the process-- vs. feelings that are elicited about oneself.

My T has told me when he has felt angry or frustrated in session. Sometimes he will have an initial strong reaction to something, and he will "step back" and say something like, "Sorry-- that's probably my own thing." I never make anything about it when he says that-- I like that he acknowledges it because it makes him seem more real... and that he is actively distinguishing and sorting through his own feelings during out sessions.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by treehouse

if you go to your therapist, but don't do therapy, what the heck else are you going to do? So we ended up just talking, like friends. Actually, he booted up his computer at one point today when my head really started hurting and I needed to rest and not even converse for a minute and we watched funny videos.

Oh, man, there are so many great things to do! (But they usually end up being therapeutic even if they're not intended to be.) We have done the funny videos on the computer thing too--Laurel and Hardy one time. Sounds like time well spent, treehouse. I hope your head is feeling better.

Has your T ever talked to you about countertransference??

Yes, when it happens, he names it immediately for us so I know what is going on. I really like how he takes ownership and let's me know the score. He will say something like, "I'm struggling with what you just told me because it reminds me of when such and such happened to me and the way I felt then is what I am wanting to express to you now. I just want you to know that. I am trying to keep my experience out of this because your situation is yours and the way I felt is not necessarily the way you should feel." It makes me feel good when he gives that little countertransference speech. I think it shows that he empathizes with me deeply, because it brings up his own stuff for him. I REALLY like how he takes ownership, recognizes what is happening, and speaks about it. It's like bringing it out into the light helps disarm it of its potential to sidetrack our interaction.

it's also kind of odd to have that little peek into HIS stuff.

Sounds disconcerting for you. Maybe it is the start of a new dimension in your interaction.

we ended up just talking, like friends.

Ahhhhhh. Sounds delightful.

Yes! Sunny and Pink...I do love when he shares his reactions both because it shows how real our relationship is, and because I appreciate SO MUCH the fact that he owns his own stuff and his own part in whatever interactions we have...

T has talked to me about "positive" countertransference a lot....not like, "I like you" (which just seems like a feeling), but more like what pink was saying - the feelings he gets in response to the feelings I am having in session.

This was the first time he's told me about a "negative" countertransference....he probably thought he could say anything he wanted because my concussion has my memory so screwed up!! It's like the one thing I managed to hang on to from the session lol

When I first started therapy, I really was terrified to know ANYTHING about T. Because (as I'm sure everyone knows) I was SA by a counselor/minister in HS and it all started with him sharing WAY TOO MUCH personal information about himself and his life. I told T I didn't want to know ANYTHING, PERIOD. He respected that....but over the past few months has been sharing bits and pieces of himself and his life. His negative countertransference reaction was probably the most personal thing that he has shared...because it really was a peek into his own "issues". I do love that T is so authentic and real with me, and that he has been so gradual and gentle about revealing bits of himself, and I feel really REALLY safe with him...but there is still this little part of me that is like "eeeek!"

ah, therapy...

[Brightheart]

I guess for the life of me I still can't understand why being in a therapy room somehow is supposed to put you in a different world, where every feeling and reaction is labeled as if it were some kind of phenomena. There are two human beings relating in that room so of course these things will happen. I guess maybe the difference is that the T has to keep himself "down" and not become the center of what's going on. I think that losing sight of his/her own human reactions would be detrimental to the client, though. I think that the very moment the client feels a human connection with the therapist is a moment when the client may begin comfortably looking within oneself and moving toward better understanding.

My t never used the word countertransference when talking about himself and our relationship. I'm sure there were times when he reacted to me with his own feelings. I don't think I could ever see that as a negative thing. At times maybe my needs brought out the best in him. Our interactions that brought about feelings and emotions helped strengthen our relationship, eventually helping me get better. They seem to me just clinical terms for something that happens in relationships all the time.

[Brightheart]

I'm replying to myself. Oh well. I guess I still have some issues around the idea of transference/countertransference in therapy. Maybe I need to go write some 3 page thing about this or something. I think I am just still very protective of the relationship I had with my T and this transference stuff feels like some way of minimalizing my feelings. Or pretending that the therapist should be a robot or something...I guess I'm off topic here. I'm not sure why I keep taking things personally. I'll have to think on that for a bit. Anyhow, I apologize. It is interesting to know that Ts have their own things too.

[MissCharlotte]

There have been many times when T has owned up to feelings and countertransference, although I am not sure if he has actually used that word. During session T has often said, "I'm feeling such and such." Sometimes I will say, YES and sometimes it doesn't fit. I imagine those times, the feelings are his to own and figure out. The other day he offered an interpretation that didn't fit at all and he goes, "well if it doesn't go thunk it doesn't go thunk."

During one of our famous ruptures, T was VERY GROUCHY and I fell apart. We were deeply enmeshed in a transference, counter transference knot. I remember I couldn't stop crying, er, sobbing, and he had to extend the session and tell the next client to wait about 15 minutes. I was finally able to leave and the next day asked to come back to work this through. When I got there he said to me, that his wife and daughter were talking on the phone about his moodiness, and he said that I got caught in the crosshairs of his lousy mood. He was admitting how poorly he handled the situation.

T's are human too.

Originally Posted by Bether91068

I think I am just still very protective of the relationship I had with my T and this transference stuff feels like some way of minimalizing my feelings. Or pretending that the therapist should be a robot or something...I guess I'm off topic here. I'm not sure why I keep taking things personally. I'll have to think on that for a bit. Anyhow, I apologize. It is interesting to know that Ts have their own things too.

(((((((((((((((Bether)))))))))))))) No need to apologize!!!

I have a very special and real relationship with my T....for me, looking at countertransference or transference doesn't change the "realness" of our relationship. We have "transference" in all of our relationships - like I react to my husband's anger in a certain way because it reminds me on some level of the anger that was directed at me when I was a child. I'm sure there are lots of examples.

So, I can love T, and he can love me, and that can be and IS absolutely real. But that doesn't mean that we don't both bring reactions to "old" stuff into the relationship...and looking at those "old" reactions (which to me, is the transference) is part of how we learn about the patterns of behavior that are keeping us stuck, and begin to heal.

[coconut64]

T and I are going through this right now. I told him about something he did whenever I felt close to him and the next day I got told off. He said that because he is trained as a psychoanalists he is better than most therapist because he is trained not to let his own stuff get in the room. Shut up Coconut.

[googley]

I've never had my T talk directly about transference, but she has talked about her feelings for me (that she cared about me for example). I have definitely dealt with transference towards her of me getting angry at her instead of the actual person I was angry at (and we talked about that).

When it comes to my T sharing information about themselves, I have had mixed experiences. When I was in high school my T told me that she had had depression when she was my age. This was way too much information for me at that time. We didn't have the best relationship (though I'm not sure that she noticed). I was trying to deal with my own depression, get through high school and deal with my parents. I needed a time for myself and felt that even though I understood that she was trying to let me know that it was possible to make it through, I was somewhat self centered and did not want to hear about her problems. I had too many of my own and

However, now I know that my T has a child and a dog. I found out she had a child when she had to cancel to go to the doctor, and that she had a dog when I had to call her once and she was at home and her dog was barking in the background. (I thought it was cool to find out she was a dog person.)

[deliquesce]

^ i was so excited to find out my pdoc was a dog person too . he told me that he's trained it to do tricks and stuff, and it's a very clever dog. i like that he plays with it, instead of leaving it in the back yard to look after the house or something.

my old T - i think he brought some of his stuff into the session, because it used to confuse me. e.g., he was very insistent that i should have a good relationship with my sisters, which i found odd, because i was perfectly at peace being slightly distant from them. and the last thing i wanted to work on was being closer to them, when i had other more pressing issues i really wanted to work on. the other thing that really bugged me was that he always used to insist that i would be a great mum, that if i wasnt studying i would be a mother by now (err... i dont have a partner?!) etc. this really got on my nerves, because i explicitly told him on a few occasions that i did not want to be a mother. i think he eventually got it, though, because one day he clicked and said "sorry, i think ive crossed a line there" and let it go after that.

my pdoc... i dont know. we dont do proper therapy stuff (using words like transference and stuff). i think he identifies with me a lot because he struggled through studying too. but i dont think that's countertransference.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by Bether91068

I guess I still have some issues around the idea of transference/countertransference in therapy.... I think I am just still very protective of the relationship I had with my T and this transference stuff feels like some way of minimalizing my feelings. Or pretending that the therapist should be a robot or something...I guess I'm off topic here. I'm not sure why I keep taking things personally. I'll have to think on that for a bit. Anyhow, I apologize. It is interesting to know that Ts have their own things too.

It's OK, Bether. I really agree with you. It sounds like your relationhip with your therapist was very special. My T has told me he does not believe in transference and that has been the only time the word has been spoken in my therapy. We do not minimize our relationship--it is about us. When I said my T gave a "countertransference" speech, I didn't mean that he actually used the word "countertransference." It was just him owning his feelings, and as you said, this stuff happens in all relationships all the time. I am going through a divorce and my T has gone through his own, and we have some similarities on why. He has tried to be careful not to project his feelings from his marriage onto mine. If he were a friend, he might say, "you should leave the g*dd**m a**hole yesterday!" But he is not my friend, he doesn't tell me what to do or express such strong opinions. But he is not a "robot" either--that's not what I meant by owning his feelings. Plus, he is a marriage counselor and has stressed to me many times that if I wanted help putting my marriage back together, he would help with this. I don't think it's the role of a marriage counselor to tell a person whether they should or should not stay married (unless it is a safety issue).

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by sunrise

If he were a friend, he might say, "you should leave the g*dd**m a**hole yesterday!" But he is not my friend, he doesn't tell me what to do or express such strong opinions. But he is not a "robot" either--that's not what I meant by owning his feelings. Plus, he is a marriage counselor and has stressed to me many times that if I wanted help putting my marriage back together, he would help with this. I don't think it's the role of a marriage counselor to tell a person whether they should or should not stay married (unless it is a safety issue).

It's funny cuz in my case, my therapist is telling me loudly and clearly to get out of my marriage....but I guess that's where the "safety" issue comes in. My husband is not physically abusive, thankfully....but the emotional and verbal abuse is quite apparent, and it only seemed a matter of time before things got worse.

I wonder if there's some type of transference/countertransference going on there.....

[sunrise]

mixedup_emotions, I too had the verbal/emotional abuse in my marriage. I know there are couples that work through this and overcome it and put their marriage back together. I've read some books giving advice on how to do this. A skilled therapist can really help. I am actually rather touched that my T would offer to help us mend our marriage. He has always been so supportive. But I had so little left in the relationship, I didn't want to. There comes a point of no return, I think. I appreciate though very much my T being non-directive on this issue. I feel it is not for him to say whether I should leave the marriage. But he worked in other ways, "behind the scenes", to help me decide what I wanted to do. For example, he helped me recognize that there was verbal and emotional abuse in my marriage, which I had not known. When you live a certain way for many years, it just seems "normal". It took me a long, long time to acknowledge how unreciprocal my marriage was. Really, it was a sham, and I can say that now, but while in it, I just was not aware of what was going on. In therapy we uncoved layers and layers of hurt and pain--this is what was the result of my marriage? Who can keep that going forever?

MixedUp, I wish you the best in the future. I know in other threads you have mentioned that you are not sure if you want to leave your husband or not. Especially in situations of uncertainty, beware of T telling you what to do. Whether there's countertransference or not, your T's message is the same. I hope you can give your decision due time and consideration and that your T can give you the space to do so.

[peaches100]

My t rarely ever talks about her family or anything she does outside sessions. However, since I've been seeing her for 10 years, I've learned quite a bit about her life from collective small comments she has made through the years. When it comes to sharing her emotional reactions with me, the one thing she has consistently shared is that she cares very much about me. Otherwise, she doesn't share how she feels in relation to what I say and/or we talk about. Sometimes, though, I can tell by her facial expressions.

[hangingon]

I have never talked about transference or countertransference with my T, but I understand both as I have taken psychology classes and have done psych clinicals for nursing school.
I have been seeing my T for 3 months now and she had told me little things about her life here and there in the beginning, things that I so wanted to ask her about but then felt like I would be overstepping some boundary if I did, so I didn't.
She has expressed to me that she cares about me, things like that but my little mind has a hard time accepting comments like that. Those are often just words to me. I feel like thats something she probably just does with everyone. Maybe I am wrong but I take it she's just that type of person and that in therapy you need to reassure with words like that.

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by coconut64

T and I are going through this right now. I told him about something he did whenever I felt close to him and the next day I got told off. He said that because he is trained as a psychoanalists he is better than most therapist because he is trained not to let his own stuff get in the room. Shut up Coconut.

Uh? He is so wonderful, I guess, eh?

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by coconut64

T and I are going through this right now. I told him about something he did whenever I felt close to him and the next day I got told off. He said that because he is trained as a psychoanalists he is better than most therapist because he is trained not to let his own stuff get in the room.

Ouch!!!

xxx