[Mouse_]

Yesterday was my last session for the Easter 2wk break. I had emailed T on Thursday with some thoughts about it because I find if I do this than I have to talk about it in session as well, I can't keep "it" away from T as I've pre-showed her in email.

So we were talking yesterday and I said, it feels almost like I've got so much invested in you that when you go away you take a bit off me away also and I feel empty. T replied, "but if I am taking a bit of you away with me you'd feel me more wouldn't you? as your with me? Or perhaps its you that is taking a bit of me instead of all of me away with you?"

That completely threw me, I stuttered for a bit LOL! and sais, eh, I'd not thought about that. I realised that I am holding and squeezing T so tight that I'm not able to see all off her, only bits that I do take, like I normally only take the bit of T that is on break, and hold it so tight, but thinking about this as the day wore on yesterday it was like I had turned the short sighted lense around and viewed the whole scene, I mean the scene where T is on a break and also the scene of when we are together and I felt much more relaxed as I felt myself letting go the grip, trying to not force myself to remember her face or some other moment together, much like when someone dies and for a while you panic because you cannot bring their face to mind having lost faith that they still exist anywhere, but if you sit still long enought the natural feeling of how you have experienced them and taken them within you is still there...

I dont have to control when or how T comes to mind, she will in natures own time, its been almost like a "greed", I want someeone so bad that I miss them by trying to force memorys and feelings not trusting that there is enought of them within me. I know this has got to stem from having been taken from my birth mother to soon and not being able to bring anything to mind, so I guess that hunger/greed to feel someone within me has come from them.

T said to me yesterday "before you've taken a book from here to help you, not necessarly read, but knowing that the "object" represents a bit of me and a bit off you, why don't you take something today? I smiled and looked at her and said, "Ok, I;ll take you" she laughed. I felt I was past the transistional object stage and was going to reject the offer, but something inside of me said "know take T's offer, this is doing something gentle for yourself, taking care of yourself, who cares if it works exactly or not, its the action that matters most" so I took it, and the memory of the conversation is what it gives me most. She also said I could email a couple of times if I wanted too to check she is still there and hasn't changed into someone else. Normally I feel she waits for me to ask for things, but yesterday it was like she was meeting me half way in thinking of things that would help me.

Each time I feel myself tightening up, about to try and bring to mind a recollection, I release myself and breathe in and just chill, and it works, by letting go, I actually hold on to more!.

[phoenix7]

what a great session - and you're right somtime when we hold something too hard its like trying to catch water - grab at it and you'll end up empty handed - but holdout your hand and the water will slowly fill it up.

Congrats on a good session

[peaches100]

Mouse,

I think you hit the nail on the head when you said that this "greed" or hunger you feel to hold onto t is probably related to the loss of your birth mother. Those feelings can be so strong, can't they? I'm glad you took the book. You've gone without long enough, why not hang onto something of t's while she's gone? It sounds like she really wanted you to be able to keep the felt sense of connection with her. It also sounds like you are having some big insights and making great progress.

Originally Posted by Mouse_

something inside of me said "know take T's offer, this is doing something gentle for yourself, taking care of yourself, who cares if it works exactly or not, its the action that matters most"

(((((((((((((((((((((((Mouse))))))))))))))))))))))

[lifelesstraveled]

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[Kiya]

((((((((((mouse))))))))))))
"trying to not force myself to remember her face or some other moment together, much like when someone dies and for a while you panic because you cannot bring their face to mind having lost faith that they still exist anywhere, but if you sit still long enought the natural feeling of how you have experienced them and taken them within you is still there..."

Such a poignant statement. and a good session with t - "meeting you half way" this time. very very cool. yay for t!!! and yay for you for knowing to do "something gentle for yourself" in accepting t's offer.
hugs, kiya

[Sannah]

Very interesting concept. Taking in the whole picture is a better and more balanced way to live. I'm glad that you have made this discovery....