Crap

MissCharlotte · Apr 03, 2009, 06:38 PM

I'm feeling very young and not at all reflective. I have confusion about some issues but I can't write in my journal. My whole body hurts and I don't know why but it's telling me something about the healing that needs to happen. I am vulnerable right now. Last week there was a HUGE family rupture with a sib that was a complete re-enactment of our childhood patterns where it is okay to verbally abuse me. I am so hurt. It was toxic.

I told T that sometimes I wonder if there is really such a thing as healing and T said I have to surround myself with people who care about me and love me.

When I went to T I wasn't able to get in touch with what I was really feeling about this issue. I told him about it on Monday and cried, but by Thursday I walked in and acted like it didn't really bother me all that much. I sometimes get this feeling that I have to act a certain way in therapy, that I should be "over" this by now, that I should should should should.........................I'm anxious and BLAH.

Why am I letting this same old crap get to me again?

phoenix7 · Apr 03, 2009, 07:01 PM

AAAARRRRRGGGGHHHHH! there I said it for you - it drives me nuts too - should should SHOULD be over this - should handle this better- should not be upset by this - should not let people treat me this way !!!

I am so angry that people are treating you that way

- and it touches a nerve with me

- I am so sorry that family have treated you that way

its not ok for them to verbally abuse you

can I make a suggestion?..... instead of beating yourself up about it (somthing I do all the time) alow yourself to be human - you didnt show how much this hurt you at T's but Im sure he knew - we put things in boxs so we can deal with them - tuck them away in a cupboard and then we can act as if it didnt matter - but it does and when the time is right you will be able to talk about it with the emotions attached - you are hurt - and this is your way of coping with it (as it is one of mine)

what would you say to someone in your position? I bet you would be kinder than you are being to yourself

its frustrating, annoying, irritating, aaaarrrrgggghhh! making this getting better thing - but we are all in it together and we will all support each other

please be kind to yourself

chaotic13 · Apr 03, 2009, 07:14 PM

I hate when I create those no win situations. Ones where you are feeling sad and upset about something. Then some other aspect chimes in to make thing worse with the "you should be over this by now" noise. You end up feeling sad, upset, and stupid. Not helpful at all.

Apr 03, 2009, 07:42 PM

(((((((((((((((((((Miss C)))))))))))))))))))))))))

Healing takes time, and there are ebbs and flows to it. Sometimes I think I am "done" with an issue and then a few months later, there it is again. It's okay. There is no timetable.

Please don't make it worse for yourself by adding a bunch of "shoulds" to the fact that you are already hurting. The only thing you "should" do is be as gentle and as patient with yourself as you are with all of us here.

Lots of

to you...

tulips30 · Apr 03, 2009, 08:02 PM

The extended family and all the "toxic" stuff that goes on makes me go downhill faster than anything in my life. It brings up old hurts and old ways of dealing with each other. I get MAJOR anxiety attacks before I have to go be with my mom and sibs. There's always somebody who has their nose out of joint about something and then the verbal assaults start. Ahhhhh...

It's an ongoing conversation with my t. about these problems. Just because you've worked on them before doesn't mean there is resolution. Just keep talking about it when you need to.

tulips

googley · Apr 03, 2009, 09:09 PM

I'm sorry you are not feeling well. For me it is always worse when my body chimes in to tell me how bad I am feeling.

I'm sure your T knew that you were still feeling bad about the bad interaction with your sister. Sometimes we just have to give ourselves time before we can talk about it again.

I also find that family things tend to rock me in ways that nothing else can. Make sure that you take it easy on yourself!

I agree with Phoenix7, that you are probably being harder on yourself that you would be on anyone else. What I try to do is ask myself what I would tell a friend who came to me with the problem I am having, and then take that advice, (though it doesn't always work.) If it doesn't work then I call a friend and ask them what they think. (Which you have done here) Even if I know that they are going to tell me the same thing I know, hearing it from them helps.

SpottedOwl · Apr 03, 2009, 09:21 PM

(((MissC))))

First, be really, really, super kind to yourself right now. Imagine how you would comfort your children, and give that gift to yourself.

The fact that you are vulnerable is HUGE. That is such a great sign of healing, and the fact that you are able to feel. It can feel like it means you haven't made any progress, but this too IS progress.

You now have the opportunity to be kind to yourself, the way your parents ideally had been when you were young. That is an opportunity to heal.

Quote:

Last week there was a HUGE family rupture with a sib that was a complete re-enactment of our childhood patterns where it is okay to verbally abuse me. I am so hurt. It was toxic.

Your family may have re-enacted the past, but how was it different for you? Were you able to hang up the phone, or walk away, or say what was on your mind...something that you were not able to do as a child?

I have a feeling you did a pretty darn good job. You may have been triggered, but I suspect you stood up for yourself and brought your adult self to table a lot more than it may feel right now.

You did good, you got through it, and you're still feeling! Give yourself credit, and maybe even a treat of some kind.

MissCharlotte · Apr 04, 2009, 08:21 AM

Thanks everyone for the hugs and support.

You know what? Spotted, you are right about something. I held fast to my boundary which is something I never have done in the past and that is why my sib flipped out. I usually bite my tongue, this time I didn't. But the fear that comes afterward reminds me of a very lonely place.

peaches100 · Apr 05, 2009, 10:44 AM

Hi MissC,

I'm sorry I'm arriving so late at this thread. I relate to the "hurry up and get well" feelings. I also get frustrated with myself when I feel that I am falling into old patterns and recycling through the same issues. One thing that helped me be less hard on myself was a statement somebody made that "we do cycle through the same issues in therapy, but at deeper levels each time." I've also heard the healing work compared to the peeling of an onion, with different layers. That really makes sense to me. Also, though it may have felt like the "same old thing" in your interactions with your sister, you realized later that something was actually new -- you set a boundary and stood up for your needs. So see, in retrospect, you moved forward, even though it felt like going backward.

sunrise · Apr 05, 2009, 12:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MissCharlotte

I held fast to my boundary which is something I never have done in the past and that is why my sib flipped out. I usually bite my tongue, this time I didn't. But the fear that comes afterward reminds me of a very lonely place.

What you did is great! You were breaking an old pattern. That is not easy. But the old feelings are still there. That is so hard. It is hard enough to break the pattern and do things differently, but then when you still feel like c**p, it's like there is no reward. So why do it that way if there is no reward and you don't feel better? It is sooo hard. You just have to keep plugging away. For me, I have those feelings surrounding expression of anger. It makes me feel really, really bad. So why am I supposed to do this again? is the question I get to asking after I have done it. I need to have large spaces between expressions of anger, so I can gather myself together in order to come back for more. Just keep at it. You have take an important step, MissC.

Kiya · Apr 05, 2009, 03:17 PM

(((((((((((((((((miss)))))))))))))))))))))))
I, too, am arriving late to this - been lost in my own world...but it's ok, they know me there

I can't relate to siblings crap - I have no sibs - but i totally relate to feeling i shouldn't be effected anymore by the family crap, and totally agree (of course) that no one should treat you like that. ever. YAY for you for holding your boundaries!!! Gold star!!!
Kiya