[hangingon]

I was just wondering if some of you have a really hard time talking in therapy.
Sometimes I feel like I have waisted most the session just sitting there with small talk, fearing opening up about the harder stuff. Its like there is a battle going on in my mind, one side saying just talk, your T is safe ect. The other saying you'll cry if you do, you'll start spiraling, you can't be vulnerable its too dangerous ect.

My T tonight informed me that after she asked about something hard, I talked a little about it, then went right into what I have been doing in school, how great I did on a test, paper ect. She said did you notice you do that, I said no. She said why do you think you do that, I said I have no idea.
Then she said well you told me that your way of coping has been intellectualization, and one of your coping mechanisms is wrapping yourself up in school work to avoid the feelings. She was right, I do that, I just didn't notice it happened in session.

Anyways, after that, I was quiet most the session, I get so frustrated because I have such a hard time opening up. She asked about some things I can think of that trigger me. I said yelling, when people start yelling or fighting I freeze up. She said what do you think it is that causes that? I said my parents fought alot and I couldn't take that. Then she went more into it, I gave a little detail of things that happened then its as if I spaced out. She was asking me stuff and I was so slow to answer, sometimes I couldn't even answer. I imagine she noticed because she asked what I was feeling and then went right into asking me questions about the kids I watch ect....like a distraction. I felt like I was moving in slow motion even answering those questions, totally spaced out.

I then said, I'm sorry, thank you for talking. I said I'm sorry you have to do most the talking. She said I do talk alot at times. I said, I like it because sometimes I just don't know what to say. She said, I realize that and I know that that can put more pressure on people so I try not to stay silent too long.
I actually love that she does that.

Well ,as session was ending, I said I really, really want to be able to tell you stuff. I know I have things that need to be dealt with but I always have to think this stuff out in my head, what I am going to say ect. That some things are far to digusting to let out. Her response was really sweet about all that. Then she said if there is one simple more easy thing you want to let out because time is almost up what would it be.

I said, I am really thankful that you do this for me, I can be such a pain in the butt. She said something to the effect of, I like doing this for you. I really care about helping you. I started to tear up a little and said, I guess saying that wasn't as easy as I thought. She said, I don't think your use to people caring for you. She is so right. She said I wish I could take all this away for you but you and I know I can't do that, but I can help direct you towards your goals and thats what I want us to do.

When I got up to leave she asked if she could hug me, I said yes, and she gave me the biggest hug.

Ok, it sounds like I talked alot in there, but I really didn't. Sorry this is so long. I just get so frustrated that I can't just talk. I sit there thinking I must be boring as h*ll. She must hate having me in there. She must be thinking spit it out already. Yeah, all this stuff runs through my head. UGh.....

Hangingon

[phoenix7]

from what you've said I dont think she is frustrated with you - she sounds like a very caring kind and capable person - and even though you didnt talk a lot it sounds like there was progress -

I cam down in the lift with my T after the session - the lift had triggered me when I went up - it was a diff lift to the one i usually take and it was all white and i felt like it was closing in on me and i was going to lose it - so I was glad when she said she had to move her car and would come down with me - I got triggered in the lift again and although I could hear her talking i couldnt' hear her - it was like it was coming from a distance - and I so wanted to say - help im drowning but I couldnt get the words out - and help was just across the lift! geez I can be so stupid somtimes! anyway there was a point to this ramble - just to show that I find it hard to say things too - tkae care P7
!

[hangingon]

Interesting Chaotic, I think its the stimulation that affects us at that point. When I was spaced out and could barely respond, I felt like I was going to lose it, I almost wanted to say stop, I need you to stop. She did have me do a few deep breaths because I told her before that sometimes I feel like I am going to blackout. My head was really spinning and I ended up with the worst headache rather quickly.
I believe she was trying to distract me because she noticed something was up.

Come to think of it, I was out for dinner with my boyfriend a couple nights ago and he is a talker. For some reason it was way to much stimuation for me, I was staring at him and thinking in my head, please stop, just for a minute please stop talking. This stuff has not bothered me before, I don't know whats up, I am not sure if this is the PTSD coming on full force or what.

hangingon

[phoenix7]

Originally Posted by hangingon

Interesting Chaotic, I think its the stimulation that affects us at that point. When I was spaced out and could barely respond, I felt like I was going to lose it, I almost wanted to say stop, I need you to stop. She did have me do a few deep breaths because I told her before that sometimes I feel like I am going to blackout. My head was really spinning and I ended up with the worst headache rather quickly.
I believe she was trying to distract me because she noticed something was up.
yep I think so too - my T does that a well - usually when i feel like I have taken a step back and am no longer connected
Come to think of it, I was out for dinner with my boyfriend a couple nights ago and he is a talker. For some reason it was way to much stimuation for me, I was staring at him and thinking in my head, please stop, just for a minute please stop talking. This stuff has not bothered me before, I don't know whats up, I am not sure if this is the PTSD coming on full force or what.

hangingon

I think sometimes that there is so much going on in our heads that even a small am ount more overstimulates us - and yes I think its to do with PTSD - I never had that (the wanting people to stop talking cos it was too much)before I got it O(Ptsd)-

[Sannah]

Hangingon, what I saw in your session was a lot of connecting and communication between you and your therapist! Good Work!

[lifelesstraveled]

(((hangingon)))

You are doing sooo great! Whenever I go into therapy I think about everyone on these boards and use you all as inspirations

Your T sounds so understanding and caring and patient. It doesnt sound like she is getting frustrated with you. She is patiently waiting for you to know and believe that it's okay to tell her the things that you have been holding on to for so long.

Talking in therapy is super hard for me. I would like to be able to have a discussion about this with my T...but I dont think I have gotten to that point yet.

Take care

[sittingatwatersedge]

(((((((((((( dear H )))))))))))) I really do love you! thanks for every bit of this.

and you are doing fine.
go at your own pace; you ARE going and it's fine.

[hangingon]

Phoenix,
I couldn't help but think that must be part of the issue. I have never had it hit me like it has this week. I have been pretty stressed, as I have a psych nursing final on monday, so I am sure that does not help. There has also been alot of change in my life over the last 6 months which probably comes into play as well.

Thanks Sannah
I have not been able to really call it connection yet, because I am still scared to death to tell her stuff. I want to be able to, its frustrating to go in there and have a battle going on in my head as to what to say, rather than just saying what I feel and think.

LLT,
Thank you, I also get the courage to try and say things to my therapist after hearing stories on here.
Therapy is very, very hard for me as well. As an adult I get so frustrated with myself for not being able to go in there and express myself. It's not like she is going to go an tell my parents what I am sharing. I trust her, yet can't really talk. It's so confusing.

Thank you sittingatwatersedge
I'd like to think I am making progress. I just want to be able to go in there and talk about what I need to.

hangingon

hangingon,
I was surprised to hear that you don't talk much in therapy because you express yourself like professional writer here. Maybe it could help if you wrote a little down for her to read. I too also intellectualize things, and now I can talk around the subject until a T forgets what the subject was. But not my current T, she interrupts. lol

But anyway, she sounds really good for you and so patient which is so important. You will open up when you are ready. I used to be the shyest person around, now nobody can shut me up after being silenced for so e many years as a kid. Your time will come. (((((hangingone))))

[hangingon]

Thanks exotic
I was also extremely shy when I was younger. However, over the years I have opened up more. When I have hospital cliniclas, there are about 6 girls in the group and I have no problem asking our instructor questions; in fact, I am usually the one who asks quite a few. I also have no problem asking questions in class (not that I don't get a little bit nervous of sounding stupid). As a child I would practically hide because I didn't want the teacher to call on me. So in that sense I have changed some.

Other students have commented on my ability to go in and talk with patient's as if I had known them forever. Yet, I never see that about myself. I don't even think of those things, I just go do what I need to do, and of course I want the patient to at least think I know what I am doing lol... I believe it makes them feel like they are in safer hands.

The problem I am noticing in therapy is that I feel totally different, it involves talking about my feelings, emotions, about me. In school it's not about me, at the hospital its not about me, its about what I have to do but the focus is not me and I find that much easier.

It's as if I go back to being a child when sitting in the room with my T, constantly having to monitor what I say. Not saying certain things because I am afraid of her response, or frankly the adult me battling sounding completely rediculous for feeling a certain way.

I could try writing things down for her. Maybe that would help some.
I just find it so frustrating that I feel so different in session, I trust her, so I don't know what the big deal is...

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by hangingon

The problem I am noticing in therapy is that I feel totally different, it involves talking about my feelings, emotions, about me. In school it's not about me, at the hospital its not about me, its about what I have to do but the focus is not me and I find that much easier.

It's as if I go back to being a child when sitting in the room with my T, constantly having to monitor what I say. Not saying certain things because I am afraid of her response, or frankly the adult me battling sounding completely rediculous for feeling a certain way.

Exactly, Hangingon.

about this >> I could try writing things down for her. Maybe that would help some.
I wonder. maybe it varies from one T to another. In the between time last time, I mailed my T something that I could absolutely not have told her aloud. When I went to see her, we were hardly seated when she brought out my letter and went right to that page, that paragraph, and started reading (aloud).
I asked her not to - made no difference, she was going to have this out and in a great deal of detail. I wonder if I will ever write her again? at least with this T, it don't seem to pay, as they say

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by hangingon

Other students have commented on my ability to go in and talk with patient's as if I had known them forever. I believe it makes them feel like they are in safer hands.

The problem I am noticing in therapy is that I feel totally different, it involves talking about my feelings, emotions, about me. In school it's not about me, at the hospital its not about me, its about what I have to do but the focus is not me and I find that much easier.

So meeting the needs of others comes quite easily but trying to meet your own needs is much more difficult?

[phoenix7]

Im the same at work - I think I put my professional face on and look after the patients that way - say the right things- do the right things - keep up my happy encouraging mask - let it slip a bit though cos a work colleague noticed - can talk about anything to anyone whilst I have my face on - but if its about me - then i revert back to the serously shy child who hides and can't speak' - ah well - such is life

take care

[MissCharlotte]

(((Hanginon)))

I have had so many sessions when it was impossible to talk. There have been Looooooong silences with T and me just looking at each other (or not). and then there are the times when I just chit chat about unimportant stuff like you do. It takes a lot of time to be able to really connect and even then it's hit and miss. I think you are doing great! You are forging a relationship with your T and the rest will come in time.

[Luce]

Hangingon, I can relate to sooo much of what you say. I am very similar in that I can talk to many different people quite easily, but the moment it is about me I clam up completely.

I had a very similar experience in T this week, but with a very different outcome. I like the way your T responded to you, and let you 'be' however you were, with understanding and without pressure. It sounds as though she was so gentle and compassionate with you.

When I was struggling to talk in T this week, after a few minutes of silence I was able to say something to the effect of "I can't get the words out. They're here in my head, but I can't speak them out of my mouth." Let me just clarify here that I was wrestling with all sorts of inner demons about 'not talking', 'not trusting', 'not speaking' etc. It was PAINFUL and I was working really HARD at trying to talk.

Unfortunately her response was to laugh and say "Oh well, don't mind me - I'll just sit here and think about what to have for dinner then." Then she physically turned in her chair and stared out the window.

Let's just say that I gave up trying to trust or speak and didn't bother trying to tell her anything anymore. I think I am going to quit. We just don't seem to be able to make a connection.

It sounds like you and you T are working together with whatever you are able to bring to the session... she is willing to be with you at the place YOU are at, which is so important for the development of trust. You are doing some great work. Keep at it.

[miray]

I felt very similar with the last therapist I went to. She was awesome in the same way. Stick with it, it will get a little easier each session. You seem to be doing great with it and will continue!!

[deliquesce]

Luce - !!!! how unprofessional and rude!!! i'm appalled. i think it would be good for you to find a T would more understanding.

also had a similar experience (with not talking) this week - pdoc did his usual ramble (he loves summarising *everything* at the beginning of each session), then had his usual "aha!" moment of "i don't know if anything new has happened since the last time i saw her", so asked me to let him know what was going on.

i told him i didnt want to talk, so could he just keep on talking. he said he does tend to talk quite a lot, especially for a pdoc. i agreed with him (lol). so he rambled on a bit more, then was able to draw me out slowly by just asking yes/no questions. he didnt ask anything emotional or heavy, just very basic stuff like if i was still going to uni, if i was taking meds etc.

it wasn't a great session, but it was ok, given my limitations that day. i think pdoc got frustrated, though, and seemed glad to get me out of the room. but he is also the sort of person who does a lot of reflecting between sessions, so i am sure he will come back next time with more understanding/compassion.

[hangingon]

Sittingatwatersedge,
Wow, I don't know what I would do if my T read it when I said not to. With my last T, I would occasionally write stuff down and bring it to her. Sometimes she would ask me to read it and I would, Other times I would say I can't and she would but she would always ask me to try first.
If it was really, really personal and there was not way that I wanted her to read what I wrote in front of me, I would hand it to her just as I was walkinng out the door. However, she really did try to get me to read because for some reason more emotion would spring up when I read it.

Sannah,
Absolutely, thats the way I have always been. I was the oldest girl and use to take care of my siblings alot. When I started school I would even stick up for the kids that were getting picked on. I was very empathetic in that sense, probably because I had saw alot of stuff go on at home and knew how painful it was to be treated unkindly so I would feel for the other children. When it comes to me, I find accepting kindness rather difficult. When people want to help me out, I always say no thanks I'm fine.

Phoenix,
I know what you mean. It gets lonely sometimes, at least for me it does because I want to be able to be "me" and not always have to put on the strong face.

Thanks Miss C
I hope its moving more in that direction, rather than me running away when things start to get too rough.

Lucy,
Oh my....I would have been very hurt if my T did that to me. Yet, it's hard to know where she was coming from because I think some T's try to spark emotion in people, you know to see if they can pull their strings to get them to open up and release some emotion. Yet, others treat you as if your just not talking because they think your being a brat, they have no idea what you are really feeling.
I don't know the relationship that you and your T have had to say she's completely out of bounds in doing what she did. Perhaps you can try writing to her what you mentioned on your post to me. That way she can see just how it made you feel.
If this is her typical behavior, I would say seeing a couple other therapists to see if you could find a match would not be a bad idea.

Thanks Miray
I am going to try to keep at it.

Deli,
From the posts you have had on here about your Pdoc, he sounds wonderful. Your lucky to have a Pdoc like them, many just seem rushed to push meds and see you to the door.

Thanks again for all your comments
Hangingon

[Rapunzel]

Wow, that is just like what it is like for me too. I have to pre-screen everything before it comes out of my mouth, and the higher the level of scrutiny, the less I can let out. I've been having a lot of trouble with talking in therapy, too, and several weeks ago noticed that it felt the same as when I tried to talk to my parents and never managed to talk to them.

It is very different to talk about someone else. I can talk about other people, or to other people about their feelings and thoughts and everyday stuff. The problem is when it comes to talking about me. I, too, can connect with some people easily, with empathy and they seem to feel like they can open up to me. Not with everyone, but some. And not with large groups of people - I'm much more comfortable in small groups or one on one. I'm an introvert, and I'm highly sensitive. Are you? I wonder if that's part of it too.

It is very frustrating. Writing things down helped me a lot, so that's worth a try. Email is much easier too, but I use electronic communication as a crutch. Crutches are fine when you really need them, but not when they keep you from strengthening a part of you that needs to be stronger. So, a caution there.

[chaotic13]

Originally Posted by hangingon

As a child I would practically hide because I didn't want the teacher to call on me. So in that sense I have changed some.

OMG me too. I HATED to be singled out given attention by the teacher. I needed extra help in school, but ...I don't think it was really possible for my teachers to approach me.

I still get this way, even though I'm...like a professional student these days.

The problem I am noticing in therapy is that I feel totally different, it involves talking about my feelings, emotions, about me. In school it's not about me, at the hospital its not about me, its about what I have to do but the focus is not me and I find that much easier.

My T and I chatted about this a little bit this week too. We were talking about her email and the fact that I have NEVER really said what I've experienced in childhood. I mentioned that it is hard to believe that as an educator, I have such poor communication skills. To which my T said...'Oh no, this situation is totally different. Talking about yourself and feelings and emotions... cannot be compared to what you do in the workplace.'
It really IS totally different.

[hangingon]

Rapunzel,

Yeah, I am more introverted though the students with me at clinicals tend to disagree, they say I am very good with communication and in asking questions. Even when I have done teaching presentations to a group, they tell me I am such a natural. They have no idea how stinking nervous I really am. I despise doing group presentations. It's totally different talking and asking questions in a small group as opposed to presenting to a large group.
I have also always been very sensitive to others and don't like for people to be angry with me. I can count on one hand how many people I have ticked off in my whole life. I am generally just easy going and can pretty much get along with most people.
I hate to argue or upset people. The problem is, I will do things I don't like so as not to upset people, that's an area I could certainly use work in.

I understand the email issue becoming a crutch. I usually email my T one email after each session, sort of just a processing of the session type email. So that's one email a week. She writes back very short replies. She never tells me she doesn't like me doing it. In the beginning she told me I could email her because I had said sometimes it easier for me to open up that way.
However, the last time it took her three days to get back to me which had never happened before. This time I emailed her thursday and have still not heard anything back. That gets to me some. I think of it this way, if you don't want me to do it, just tell me and I won't. I hate being left to feel like I did something wrong. My first thought is, is it bothering her that I email her. She's great in session, as far as being sensitive, maybe she just doesn't understand the email issue with me. I would suffice with a simple recognition that she got it. I don't know, thats sort of confusing for me.

Chaotic,
LOL chaotic, I don't like being singled out either. When I ask questions they are on my terms lol; I have time to prepare them in my head, it makes it much easier to ask it, than it does to answer a question when being put on the spot.
I love what your therapist said, and I think she is correct in saying they are two different things. I mean, what if we turned the topic onto our T's and started asking them personal question about how they feel, wonder how many would clam up lol...

Hangingon

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by hangingon

I was the oldest girl and use to take care of my siblings alot. When I started school I would even stick up for the kids that were getting picked on.

When it comes to me, I find accepting kindness rather difficult. When people want to help me out, I always say no thanks I'm fine.

So your needs took a back burner to the duties that you had to perform for the family. So now it is habit. You can break this habit with work and focus. I think that we learn how to take care of ourselves and our needs by our parents doing it for us first. If this was never done, we never learned. It is never too late to learn. You had to deny your needs every day while you were taking care of everyone else while growing up. That sort of message really gets imprinted in your brain.

What I found with myself, however, is that I had a thought in my head that prevented me from meeting my own needs and once I uncovered this thought I was able to identify and meet my needs without any problems.

Many people have mentioned how easy it is to function at work as compared to your personal life. Work gives you a very clear role to follow. It worked well for me too. With our personal lives things were never clear........

Originally Posted by hangingon

I don't like for people to be angry with me. I hate to argue or upset people. I will do things I don't like so as not to upset people, that's an area I could certainly use work in.

This would be a good thing to work on.

About your T and the email thing. You won't know what is going on with the delay in her answering you unless you ask her. Trying to figure out what is going on in someone else's head is really a losing game. I gave it up once I realized that I was always wrong in my assumptions on why people do what they do. You just have to ask them...........

[hangingon]

Sannah,
Yeah, I did put my needs last. I actually feel selfish when it comes to talking about my needs or doing things for me.

This is something that I will try to work on in therapy, though I imagine it won't be easy because I have been that way my whole life.

About the emailing issue. I did finally hear back from her. I don't know what it is, but even to ask her about that would be very uncomfortable to me. As if I am being a brat or childish to ask her why she doesn't email me right away like she use to. Part is feeling uncomfortable myself, and part is that I don't want to make her feel uncomfortable. Should she really have to explain herself to me because of my insecurity?
Those are the things that run through my head.

Hangingon

[kim_johnson]

Most of my therapy is like this.

Sometimes I have a hard time saying anything at all.
Sometimes I have a hard time saying anything other than stuff that has happened in my week. Trouble is that typically when therapists confront me on this then I go back to having a hard time saying anything at all.

I've realized that I'm afraid of how they are going to judge me. I know that some say that 'it doesn't matter what your therapist thinks of you' but it does matter immensely to me. If they were to judge me then that would harm me immensely. Judgement can be more subtle than the 'unethical' judgements, too, a quickly masked expression of disgust / disapproval / condemnation etc.

Fact is that it takes time to build up trust. A great deal of time.

I've had this conversation with my therapist... I said that I didn't see that it mattered so much what I talked about as any topic gave him (and me) the chance to see general patterns in my interactions with the world / other people. Sometimes he abstracts a little from the present topic to draw my attention to a general pattern. That is helpful. It has taken much much time of my just rambelling about what might be thought to be 'superficial' things in order for us to get to that point where the general patterns emerge, however. Also taken time for him to learn to be gentle with his interpretations and time for me to learn to trust his perspective / opinion / good intention with me.

I think that therapists often feel pressured to 'move things along' and that things often move along a little too fast for the clients benefit. I similarly think that clients often feel pressured (by themselves and sometimes also by their therapist) to 'move things along' and that things often move along a little too fast for the clients benefit.

It IS important to know that your therapist is okay with you talking about some deep / hard issues as well as the day to day stuff. It is also important to know that your therapist is accepting of whatever it is that you want to talk about and respectful of whatever it is that you might want to say, however.

It sounds like the 'pushing' is leading to your dissociating. The dissociating indicates that you simply might not be ready yet to get into whatever your therapist (or you) considers the 'hard stuff'. There is plenty of 'hard stuff' (that is more manageable) that can come up in abstracting a little from the daily stuff, however. You will get stronger as you get to know her better. You will also get stronger for learning some skills for keeping in touch with your body and grounding yourself (trusting your ability to regulate your emotions etc).

Hang in there.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by hangingon

About the emailing issue. I don't know what it is, but even to ask her about that would be very uncomfortable to me. As if I am being a brat or childish to ask her why she doesn't email me right away like she use to. Part is feeling uncomfortable myself, and part is that I don't want to make her feel uncomfortable. Should she really have to explain herself to me because of my insecurity?

This is your therapy. Talking about this will be beneficial. If you are feeling insecure this is an excellent way to delve into this. You are in a relationship with her and in open relationships things that bother you need to be talked about so that they are not in the way.