[Mouse_]

Yesterday I felt ok about my first missed T session due to easter break. Then thoughts off how some codiene would help me feel even more ok, battled most the evening debating whether I was going to get some today or not, and alas decided the only thing to do, to guarentee my mood was to get some. Of course its not done what my head told me it could do for me, its just left me feeling exactly how I was feeling plus the upset stomach taking codiene causes me, but the anger that I detest showing T is going through my body. I hate T, I love T - If T cared about me she'd not want to take a break from me, theres nothing I can do about this because shes not my mother, yes but shes in the caring profession she SHOULD do more for me, but T is a person and she has needs too and if you were in each others pockets 24/7 there'd be no edges between you, but I don't want any edges, I want her, her, her, but aren't you benefiting now from the work you do in therapy? Yeah, but thats not the point, I want that and I want her all the time too.

How dare she have needs, how dare she just be able to walk away, put me down, but am I crazy?? these are irrational thoughts, so they must belong to a younger person, a younger me? are these feelings and thoughts what I experienced but split off growing up? NO! NO! they are to painful, I dont want them to be about me then I want them seen now!! its now! its now!!

I dont know how I am going to allow these thoughts and feelings to remain in my body, thats where the codiene comes into play, at least I have something I can do, something I've always done to help me through...I try to tell myself that perhaps T isnt doing this to me to hurt me, but that young part won't listen to reason, it doesn't respond to reason, it only responds to non verbal gestures and without seeing T those are lost for now...words are not enought, I need to see the love!!

[Sannah]

Mouse do you think this might just be transference and all of these feelings that are coming out are just past feelings for either of your mothers?

[peaches100]

Mouse,

Those do sound like frustrated attachment needs from your childhood that have been triggered by your t going away. Intellectually, the adult part of you knows your t has her own life and needs a vacation like everybody else. But it probably reminds you of the needy, empty feeling you had as a youngster when you wanted/needed mom and she wasn't there. Sometimes, it doesn't work trying to reason with the child part of ourselves. Sometimes, all we can do is sit with the feelings and do our best to acknowledge and soothe the part of us that is hurting. I know it is so hard!! But you can do this.

(((((((((((((((((((Mouse)))))))))))))))))

[Mouse_]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Mouse do you think this might just be transference and all of these feelings that are coming out are just past feelings for either of your mothers?

Yes, but sometimes I'm "in it" and for short moments I'm able to step outside off "it".

[Mouse_]

Originally Posted by peaches100

Mouse,

Those do sound like frustrated attachment needs from your childhood that have been triggered by your t going away. Intellectually, the adult part of you knows your t has her own life and needs a vacation like everybody else. But it probably reminds you of the needy, empty feeling you had as a youngster when you wanted/needed mom and she wasn't there. Sometimes, it doesn't work trying to reason with the child part of ourselves. Sometimes, all we can do is sit with the feelings and do our best to acknowledge and soothe the part of us that is hurting. I know it is so hard!! But you can do this.

Yes, I understand what you say, not sure I even want to soothe it right now though. Perhaps the codiene punishment is what I want for it at the moment.

[pachyderm]

Let's see, how many smilie huggies are we allowed?

((((((((((((Mouse))))))))))))

[Mouse_]

I keep remembering something T said once, she asked me to turn and look at two b/w photos she has on the wall in our room, both scuptures, one a rounded figure holding a rounded smaller figure and another with sharp edges. She said I got to much of the sharp figure and until I let that go and let go thinking everying will become that sharp figure I won't be able to take in or see the rounded figure.

I couldn't get that idea to fit in my head, because my intellect told me that of course I can see the rounded one is more soothing and warm compared to the hard edged one. But last night thinking about T's going away compared to my mothers going away, one physically and the other emotionally, I saw the difference, T offered me something to take from our room to hold onto, to remember it represents a bit of me and a bit of her and the whole of "us, she also has placed a tissue box on a shelve in the room as I relate to T through the tissue box and have lately been obsessing over kleenex having changed the shape of the box and T said that where she shops the box is the same, and I kept on and on and one day I saw she had placed a new box within eyesight so I could stop worrying about the box changing. I didnt' say this to T, but part of me had taken in this gesture, and I thought last night now its the first time anyone has ever bothered to do something to reasure any fears, I mean she must had held me in mind to have thought about doing that simple but reasuring act. I saw that last night, and in seeing that I felt the emptiness of my relationship with my adoptive mother, I saw what a "good" caring relationship is. Its taken 5 1/2yrs to get this far, to see something like this.

I saw how my expereinces are flooding my today and blocking me from seeing that "rounded/warm mother", It takes a great strenght mentally to let go of what you've always known to allow in something new, a lot of effort and mental sumasulting. I'm not saying I am completely ok here, what Im saying is, something different has happened this time, a another brick in the wall has been removed and just a tiny bit more sunlight is coming through. Its the first time I felt I could begin to trust and believe that there is still a me and T even when shes away.

This has a knock on effect in the rest of my life also, as I sat at work this morning having breakfast, I was aware of the "empty" conversations going on around me, how I use to cling onto people thinking without them I'd be lonely, but I felt a shudder as I realised how I was looking in the wrong places, attracted to the "wrong" people, and I felt suddenly aware of all that goes on between me and T, all the stuff, the verbal and non verbal, the tiny acts she does for me such as placing a tissue box with eye sight so I can be reasured, I begu to feel just maybe T is real and she isn't going away and she really does care about me and that I wont wake up and it all have been taken away from me without any explaintion. I can have this new experience, its mine to have and to hold, and I like it, I like it very much.

[Sannah]

Good Work!!!!!!!!!!!